Please Help..... Nan lies on purpose.....

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,353
South coast
It may be a "lost in translation" moment @Shyness143 , but I dont think anyone is intending to have a go at you. Im sorry if it feels as though we are, though.
What we are all pointing out is that if you insist on complete truth all the time you are going to have a very hard time. The difference between truth and lies gets very blurred with dementia and you will not be able to stop your nan lying. We are trying to suggest things to make your life easier.Your nan wont be able to change because of the dementia - only you can do this

Many people on here are looking after family relatives who they never had a good relationship with, so you are not alone with that. We all know how difficult it is. I think we all feel like the very worst person when we start looking after someone with dementia. I made so many rookie mistakes and having qualifications didnt help me at all.
 

Shyness143

Registered User
Jan 23, 2020
23
cocoa fl
It may be a "lost in translation" moment @Shyness143 , but I dont think anyone is intending to have a go at you. Im sorry if it feels as though we are, though.
What we are all pointing out is that if you insist on complete truth all the time you are going to have a very hard time. The difference between truth and lies gets very blurred with dementia and you will not be able to stop your nan lying. We are trying to suggest things to make your life easier.Your nan wont be able to change because of the dementia - only you can do this

Many people on here are looking after family relatives who they never had a good relationship with, so you are not alone with that. We all know how difficult it is. I think we all feel like the very worst person when we start looking after someone with dementia. I made so many rookie mistakes and having qualifications didnt help me at all.
This is soooooo different than taking care of someone else's loved one. I feel like everything I know an apply to taking care of other people doesn't apply with my own nan. I thought being a caregiver was hard because of what we see an experience on the day to day. I honestly thought when I started taking care of my nan a little over a year ago would had been cake compared to working at the rehab an nursing home but, I was obviously naive or ignorant if you may.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,353
South coast
I honestly thought when I started taking care of my nan a little over a year ago would had been cake compared to working at the rehab an nursing home
Everyone with experience of working with people with dementia come on here and say exactly the same.
The difference is that there is a whole load of emotional baggage when it is a relative and also there is no end of shift - you are dealing with it 24/7 every day, so it is very emotionally draining. Being a caregiver to someone with dementia involves a whole new way of thinking and living - things that nobody tells you about. I have found this forum to be invaluable. Yes, sometimes I have been told tough truths, but they are told from a point of compassion because we all know that there is little enough support for dementia, wherever you live.
 

Shyness143

Registered User
Jan 23, 2020
23
cocoa fl
Everyone with experience of working with people with dementia come on here and say exactly the same.
The difference is that there is a whole load of emotional baggage when it is a relative and also there is no end of shift - you are dealing with it 24/7 every day, so it is very emotionally draining. Being a caregiver to someone with dementia involves a whole new way of thinking and living - things that nobody tells you about. I have found this forum to be invaluable. Yes, sometimes I have been told tough truths, but they are told from a point of compassion because we all know that there is little enough support for dementia, wherever you live.
They suggested today that I needed to make more personal time for myself an with my children but, I just don't see how I could accomplish this. As for she seems to reek havoc where ever she goes an doesn't seem to like outsiders near her or telling her what she can an can not do. My fear an reasoning behind adult daycare an why I don't see it fit to just drop her off a few days a week. The first rehab when treatment was done had her moved out within only a few days due to her creating drama with other residents. I worry that she will do these things at the daycare an no longer be aloud to go there. Is this an irrational fear or thought or in your opinion something I should at least try? sorry if I'm asking too much.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,296
North West
Hello @Shyness143

Just following your thread and wanted to say that everyone is trying to help you not fight battles you can't win. Its hard at times, but hopefully you'll find your way with this

Take care
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,667
Merseyside
They suggested today that I needed to make more personal time for myself an with my children but, I just don't see how I could accomplish this. As for she seems to reek havoc where ever she goes an doesn't seem to like outsiders near her or telling her what she can an can not do. My fear an reasoning behind adult daycare an why I don't see it fit to just drop her off a few days a week. The first rehab when treatment was done had her moved out within only a few days due to her creating drama with other residents. I worry that she will do these things at the daycare an no longer be aloud to go there. Is this an irrational fear or thought or in your opinion something I should at least try? sorry if I'm asking too much.
I’d say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

Tragicuglyducky

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
65
Shyness, you’re going to need a lot of energy and patience! Personally, based on only the small tidbits you’ve given us, it might be worth trying some kind of day care and persevering for as long as they’re willing to keep having her. I wonder if she is capable of manipulating things so that you stop sending her to daycare? So she might be on her worst behaviour so that you’re forced to give her all of your time and attention? With regards to her lying etc, although I’ve not had that with my dad, I have learned over the years how to handle each personality “quirk”. Unfortunately it only comes with time and experience. I can only recommend that you regularly take a step back and take stock of things and see what you can do to make life easier for yourself. As the others have said, you can’t change her, only how you handle things. We’ve all done the wrong things with our PWDs, we have to learn the hard way what works for us. I’ve had many an explosive argument with my dad (we never got on and he’s the main source of my mental health issues) I’ve been really hurt and upset because I’m just trying to do my best but he’ll happily tell me my beat isn’t good enough, recently somehow, I’ve learned not to rise to it, I’ve learnt my own techniques for getting information out of him and learnt when it’s a battle lost and just forget it/let his behaviour wash over me. I’m sorry I have no advice to give you but can only tell you that you are not alone. You may not find anyone going through EXACTLY what you are going through but our experiences will cross over. I have an 18 month old but I am not prepared to expose my little boy to my dads illness the way you are, I think that says a lot about you and me. I’m not strong enough to set a good example for my little boy, I often revert to being a teenager with my dad. I can only imagine the strength of will and character you must have for trying to do the right thing by your nan and your children. You are one hell of a brave lady!!!
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,644
Studies may help or might make things worse. They can be quite factual but dementia people have there own logic that often defies facts.
Your Nan needs your love and you need support, people often lie through fear. I think methods to avoid direct questions, open questions that allow her to save face.
There is a book Contented Dementia that may help.
You sound as if you have a lot on your plate try and get support. It you read posts you will see the many variants. It is a tough job, care for you self too. X
 

ButtercupFields

New member
Dec 25, 2019
7
@Shyness143 Dementia makes up its own rules as it goes along. Some people lose dominant personality traits, but sometimes those traits are magnified. Sometimes peaceful, kind people become violent and aggressive and say things they never would have said before dementia. It’s so hard not to take these things personally.
The studies aren’t looking at your particular PWD. Everyone has different experiences, and you can’t change behavior. You just have to learn how to cope and keep peace in your house as much as possible. Confronting her won’t change her lying. I don’t know your kids ages, but even pretty young kids can understand that someone is sick and the sickness is causing them to do things that aren’t acceptable for the well population. I have 4 older kids in my house and we live with a PWD who regularly tries (and sometimes succeeds) to assault anyone in reach, uses bad language, and makes death threats. The kids know that she does this because of the dementia. You can be a much more powerful influencer to your children by the way you treat your Nan with compassion, caring, and kindness.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to join this forum because of your situation, but the people on here have a huge wealth of knowledge and have been through it all. They know what it’s like to live with this disease everyday and will give you unending support. Please don’t take offense at the words of wisdom offered. They are only trying to save you some frustration and agony by learning from their own experiences.
I’m also in the US. This forum is the best one for support that I’ve found. Talk to your case worker. They can refer you to social workers who can help you access available resources in your area.
 

Shyness143

Registered User
Jan 23, 2020
23
cocoa fl
Shyness, you’re going to need a lot of energy and patience! Personally, based on only the small tidbits you’ve given us, it might be worth trying some kind of day care and persevering for as long as they’re willing to keep having her. I wonder if she is capable of manipulating things so that you stop sending her to daycare? So she might be on her worst behaviour so that you’re forced to give her all of your time and attention? With regards to her lying etc, although I’ve not had that with my dad, I have learned over the years how to handle each personality “quirk”. Unfortunately it only comes with time and experience. I can only recommend that you regularly take a step back and take stock of things and see what you can do to make life easier for yourself. As the others have said, you can’t change her, only how you handle things. We’ve all done the wrong things with our PWDs, we have to learn the hard way what works for us. I’ve had many an explosive argument with my dad (we never got on and he’s the main source of my mental health issues) I’ve been really hurt and upset because I’m just trying to do my best but he’ll happily tell me my beat isn’t good enough, recently somehow, I’ve learned not to rise to it, I’ve learnt my own techniques for getting information out of him and learnt when it’s a battle lost and just forget it/let his behaviour wash over me. I’m sorry I have no advice to give you but can only tell you that you are not alone. You may not find anyone going through EXACTLY what you are going through but our experiences will cross over. I have an 18 month old but I am not prepared to expose my little boy to my dads illness the way you are, I think that says a lot about you and me. I’m not strong enough to set a good example for my little boy, I often revert to being a teenager with my dad. I can only imagine the strength of will and character you must have for trying to do the right thing by your nan and your children. You are one hell of a brave lady!!!
Thank you for your kind words, this is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with. as it seems the hardest things we've all had to deal with.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,296
North West
@Shyness143 please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. Its not easy and we have to re-learn things in the dementia world as the pwd can't change who or how they are.