Please help me!

[maryjoan]

Hi,

As some of you might know, my partner is in supported living as of last Wednesday after 4 weeks in respite.
He has been very anxious, and perturbed as he cannot understand why he is there - he has had it spelt out to him many times, but cannot seemingly remember.
He has phoned me today, and his son, to tell us if we do not allow him home within the next few days - he will kill himself.
I cannot deal with this. I cannot move out, I cannot find anywhere to go, even the local Travel lodge is closed.......

Has anyone else come up against this sort of situation?

 

[nae sporran]

That is seriously worrying for you MaryJoan.
I've seen my partner getting increasingly fed up with her condition and heard her talk of hoping it will all end. She can be back to normal, whatever that is, after an hour or two. But, your partner seems to be feeling really down. I assume you have alerted his supported living manager and the care manager. Of course, weekends make that hard, but hopefully someone can keep an eye on him. Otherwise, the Dementia Connect helpline is good with advice and support for yourself. Get the details on https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementiaconnect, they are available til 4 today and again tomorrow.

 

[Izzy]

That must be very frightening for you @maryjoan.

It might be an idea to phone the social work department and ask to speak to the duty officer - explain what he is saying and how concerned you are.

 

[canary]

I think Social Services need to know about this risk. Please contact them on Monday morning. Dont forget to tell them that they have a duty of care towards a vulnerable person.

 

[Weasell]

I would be making a tape recording of the phone calls.
I would use them as evidence, as social services love a bit of ‘evidence’.
I would be contacting social services and the supported living manager, in writing and make them aware of it.
I would also inform the GP.
I would also be talking to the assisted living manager. They can not be happy about the situation. Their job is to support independent and happy lives. Could you get them to help at all?

 

[Louise7]

In addition to the suggestions already posted, your local authority will have an emergency safeguarding contact at weekends and the details will be somewhere on your local authority website. An alternative is to ring 111 and tell them that your OH is a vulnerable person who is threatening suicide and they will be obliged to contact the necessary authorities.

 

[maryjoan]

His son ( who lives 200 miles away) has arranged for a van to collect his father's belongings from the supported living and bring him back home here. I had no say in this. His son has PoA with myself....
I cannot begin to think what will happen when he is back here...

 

[Just me]

If your worried about your safety or your partners @maryjoan I’d do as @Louise7 suggested and call the emergency safeguarding team before he comes home.

 

[MaNaAk]

Please follow the advice above @maryjoan.

I am thinking of you.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[lemonbalm]

Also thinking of you @maryjoan and yes, please do follow the advice about calling the safeguarding team. Please let us know how things are when you can.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @maryjoan, I'd have written sooner but I was out and about. I hope you managed to get hold of the safeguarding team. I assume the manager of the extra care facility knows your partner's son's plans. I may be wrong, but I didn't think he could unilaterally decide that his father was coming back to your place. Hope something get's sorted soon, but in the meantime stay strong.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Please @maryjoan don't go back to the way it was. Take care of yourself.

 

[maryjoan]

I called the emergency number for social services, and they had access to the latest care plan ( which arrived here just yesterday). Some one will ring me first thing tomorrow.

I messaged his son to say that I had done this because I felt that he and I were too close to the situation, and that we needed to let the professionals deal with it as they had a 'duty of care' to his father as he is a vulnerable person. His son did not reply.

What my partner said to me makes no sense at all.... as, I suppose you would expect.

He said that it was obvious to him that I did not want him in my life and that if he did not come home he would kill himself.

Oh well another day to get through until I can get to grips with this....

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @maryjoan,

You have done the right thing and I can't imagine what you're but try to relax. Are you in a social bubble or have you got a friend that you can phone to take your mind off this? Please keep coming on here and chatting.

Hugs

MaNaAk

PS: You are the best partner ever and don't forget that.

 

[Sarasa]

Hope you get that phone call soon @maryjoan. I think your reply to your partner's son as well as being true was very tactful. I think I would have really had a go at him for assuming that he knew best in the situation.
{{{hugs}}}

 

[Bunpoots]

Try not to worry about his son’s reaction @maryjoan. He probably means well but what he’s expecting of you is too much. It’s unfair of him to expect you to stay in a relationship which no-longer works. It’s not as if you haven’t tried your best!

I think I, like @Sarasa would've told his son exactly what I thought of him!

I’ve got my fingers crossed for a sensible outcome for you.

 

[Mobbin17]

Without wishing to be trite , could you suggest that he stays with his son for a while , so that he can see how his father is It must be so easy to comment from 200 miles away . A friend of mine has a brother in law who lives in US and he is full of ‘useful’ advice regarding his Mum and Dad .for her and her husband ( his brother) Advice based on a phone call once a week or so . I wouldn’t even dream of saying that he doesn’t care , but he is too far away to see the whole picture. Presumably if you share PoA , he cannot act without you ? X

 

[maryjoan]

His son had him for a week last Christmas, and that is what kicked this long running saga off - his son cannot cope with him - my partner actually refuses to go back to either his son or his daughter.
I have read and re read the Best Interest statement put together last February and it was agreed then that my partner has not got capacity and it is in his best interest to move out of our home to somewhere he can be cared for, probably better than I can.
I have just had an email from the carer I have engaged to deal with my partner's stoma care - and she said he has cancelled her from tomorrow, as he is going home.......

Tomorrow is going to be a really hard day, I feel.....

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @maryjoan,

Please stick to your guns I know it will be hard but you will find the strength to keep him in someone else's care. His son has done his dad no favours at all and on top of that he seems to be prepared to break Covid regulations. Please keep us updated.

Hugs to you

MaNaAk

 

[Sarasa]

@maryjoan , you are going to have to stand your ground and say that you cannot have him back. Have you heard anything back from the emergency social work team? It may be time to ring them again, point out what was agreed in February and and that his stoma care carer isn't coming in from tomorrow. Is there anyone at the sheltered accommodation complex you can talk to about all this.
Stay strong.