Hi, my 83 year old mum has mixed dementia diagnosed 2 years ago. She also has SAD, burning mouth syndrome and a pacemaker. She is constantly complaining of headaches and sits around in a hat most of the time. I've asked drs if this is a symptom but they don't confirm one way or the other. We live close and I am in with her every day. I cook her meals, take her shopping, to appointments etc whilst working full time. My sibling is her everythingcomes when it suits and when I ask them to stay with her so I get a break, has every excuse going why they cant. I am exhausted. If be grateful for any thoughts or advice.
Parent care
- Thread starter Spritzergirl
- Start date
Now we are at the other end of caring I would like to make some suggestions.
Refer yourself and your Mum to social services for a needs assessment for both of you - before you do think of what you would like help with - I would suggest someone to do her meals as a starting point and maybe the cleaning - it doesn't seem like much for you to continue doing this but looking after someone with dementia creeps up on you until you 'finally' realise that it is too much - getting help in early gently gets you both used to the idea.
If you haven't already try to get your mum to set up POA asap - this helps in the long term. Do you know what her financial situation is regarding paying for her care? Investigate this as much as you can and then file it for future use. Sort out AA and Council Tax Disregard if not already done.
Don't rely on your sibling for any help if they are not involved already - it won't happen trust me , been there done that - if you needs a break then respite care might be the way to go.
If you don't look after you you can't look after her - remember the plane announcement regarding oxygen masks.
Hope this is a bit of help.
Refer yourself and your Mum to social services for a needs assessment for both of you - before you do think of what you would like help with - I would suggest someone to do her meals as a starting point and maybe the cleaning - it doesn't seem like much for you to continue doing this but looking after someone with dementia creeps up on you until you 'finally' realise that it is too much - getting help in early gently gets you both used to the idea.
If you haven't already try to get your mum to set up POA asap - this helps in the long term. Do you know what her financial situation is regarding paying for her care? Investigate this as much as you can and then file it for future use. Sort out AA and Council Tax Disregard if not already done.
Don't rely on your sibling for any help if they are not involved already - it won't happen trust me , been there done that - if you needs a break then respite care might be the way to go.
If you don't look after you you can't look after her - remember the plane announcement regarding oxygen masks.
Hope this is a bit of help.
Firstly, a big welcome.
Your situation is a very common one where one person does most of the caring and the sibling who does little or nothing is the golden child.
You are seriously being taken for granted and of course could do with a break. I think you are being far too polite in asking your sister to step up and do her bit.
You can still be polite but instead of asking your sister to stay, you tell her that you are going away for a few days and that you won’t be available to look after your mum. You could also tell her that you can’t change your dates because you won’t get a refund, can’t rearrange your leave etc etc etc so she will have to make some arrangements for mum while you are away. Obviously you will have to be firm and decisive and don’t let her suck you in. These are the times that toughen you up a bit and could be helpful as your mum condition progresses and you really need the extra help.
I hope everything works out for you.
Welcome to posting @Spritzergirl
I hope the excellent advice and suggestions from @thistlejak and @Lawson58 have helped.
I hope the excellent advice and suggestions from @thistlejak and @Lawson58 have helped.
Thank you for the response. Unfortunately mum won't do a POA. Her OCD makes her worried about losing control. I've approached the subject of respite and looking at card homes in case needed further down the line. I explained it was just in case she needed 24/7 care and I wanted her to choose somewhere she would be happy. No way would mum do it. Very frustrating and draining.
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately mum won't do a POA. Her OCD makes her worried about losing control. I've approached the subject of respite and looking at card homes in case needed further down the line. I explained it was just in case she needed 24/7 care and I wanted her to choose somewhere she would be happy. No way would mum do it. Very frustrating and draining.
Maybe you could try pointing out that if she was ill in hospital due to an accident and was unable to deal with her own affairs then without LPAs Social Services could take over everything and make the decisions about what happens to her. If it came to it, then her finances would be taken over and a Deputy provided and that will take a fair amount of money from her finances.
I keep trying but someone told her that a POA can change someone's will. I said I'd be happy to go to a solicitor to get something in writing that I don't benefit as I don't want anything from her but Mum's in denial that she has anything wrong even though she has been assessed and taking meds. She is very proud and won't accept help from strangers. Every time I mention it her response 'you're my daughter'. Shame mum didn't see that when I was young. Being just next door, I am very on hand and get very little time for myself. I know I should put my foot down but it's hard to say no to her albeit I get very weighed down with it all. I can't see a way out
Good luck, @Spitzergirl. Main and only informal carer for my PWD here, who was and is extremely proud and touchy (understandably) around their memory and thinking difficulties. My relative is happy for me to do things informally but can't seem to accept the idea that this will need to be formalised - says yes that's a good idea when outside professionals recommend she sets one up. But when it comes to signing the LPA form, nope, doesn't want to 'sign' decision making away (happy to arrange an LPA, happy for me to be the attorney, but reluctant to sign). Rather suspect there is some level of insight that decision making support is required, it must be so hard to the PWD to counter what they see as their independence being taken away. In terms of getting outside support in, I ended up getting some support in and insisting it was for me as I couldn't do it all alone. My PWD, although unhappy about it, seemed to accept this and months down the line, care is still going in. Best wishes x
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