Parent Becoming More Difficult

[Misslovely]

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with my Mother, who was diagnosed with Alzhiemer’s three years ago.

If we go out to a cafe she usually enjoys herself and will laugh and have a joke which is good to see. The problem is that she won’t let me or anyone else help with things to do with her home.

She now doesn’t want me to find out what food she has in to make a shopping list. She won’t let me hoover (I arrange for cleaners but she doesn’t like it). Unfortunately there is building work to be done on the house. Even if I introduce her to the work men, they explain what needs doing, I ask her permission and fib and say it’s free (I have deputyship) she gets difficult about it.

Work needs to be done to the house soon which could take about a week. I am dreading it as I have to take time off work to be at the house and deal with her anger.

I can’t get her to go to appointments with me or carers so she wouldn’t go to a day care or respite centre. If I try and increase carers’ hours while the repairs are being done she probably wouldn’t go out with them.

I’m just wondering what my options are because I can’t get much help from family, I work full time and sort out a lot of things. I’m finding it very stressful.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Can you convince her to take a week away for a “holiday” in a care home?

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Misslovely your options do seem to be very limited. From what you have described the only option might be for you to take time off work to be there when the work is being done, or as @Banjomansmate try to persuade her to have a 'holiday' in a care home.

 

[Toopie28]

If we go out to a cafe she usually enjoys herself and will laugh and have a joke which is good to see. The problem is that she won’t let me or anyone else help with things to do with her home.

She now doesn’t want me to find out what food she has in to make a shopping list. She won’t let me hoover (I arrange for cleaners but she doesn’t like it). Unfortunately there is building work to be done on the house. Even if I introduce her to the work men, they explain what needs doing, I ask her permission and fib and say it’s free (I have deputyship) she gets difficult about it.

Work needs to be done to the house soon which could take about a week. I am dreading it as I have to take time off work to be at the house and deal with her anger.

I can’t get her to go to appointments with me or carers so she wouldn’t go to a day care or respite centre. If I try and increase carers’ hours while the repairs are being done she probably wouldn’t go out with them.

I’m just wondering what my options are because I can’t get much help from family, I work full time and sort out a lot of things. I’m finding it very stressful.

Your Mum sounds like mine and if like mine, won't fall for the "resort" for a week thing.

Ma's very angry too. She's tiny and scares everyone with her tantrums. I've learned that no matter what, she's going to be upset. Nothing pleases her. And I had to come to terms with that. With others she smiles and does the "hostess mode", with me I'm the devil and the worst and why, why, why.

It never stops hurting. However now I realise she will be angry and complain but I still have carers and will have more. Because I can't take it any more.
So even though it's really hard, I just do what's best for her and ME and let her moan and complain.

If you take time off work, she won't be happy. If you increase the carer's, she won't be happy.
But which one works for you?

 

[SMBeach]

I’ve found myself having to remember that dad wasn’t happy at home. He’s in a care home now. At home he’d moan and complain but never actually told me what it was he was unhappy with. He used the word ‘carers’ quite loosely. He phoned constantly (now I feel guilty and worry as he never phoned from the care home as it’s a different phone he’s not familiar with) as I’m now in charge of how often we speak and when. He’d call anywhere up to 22 times a day even when he knew I was working. Through the night. He’d leave full length detailed voice messages that took a large part of my day to listen too. As I listened to once voice message, I’d be interrupted by another call from dad and now I kind off miss them. Because I know those calls mattered to dad and I dint want him to think I’ve forgotten him. But he never remembered I’d already called him that day when he was at home or that he’d called me and we’d spoken for over an hour. So I know him not being able to call me as freely as he did isn’t any harsher in him than when he was at home and forgot he’d called. He’d moan about the diy man who is lovely and attentive but dad stopped recognising him and seemed to think it was his job to clear up his incontinence accidents. It’s a horribly cruel disease and I can honestly say, if given the choice I’d choose any physical illness rather than a mental one. You won’t win what ever you do and there does come a point where you have to do what’s right for both of you, go through the guilt and worry of that decision and remind yourself it was actually not any worse than it was before.

 

[Misslovely]

Thanks for all your replies. I suppose I will just have to see how it goes and perhaps arrange for longer care calls on the days the repairs are taking place.