Downnotout
Registered User
For some background, my partner of 4 years and I relocated to be close to his mum (86) after his dad passed away. Due to lockdowns he had not had much contact previous to this for a couple of years. I did not know them before.
It was clear to me that his mum had early dementia- having been through all this with my mother 10 years ago. It took a while for my partner to accept this as he wanted to put it down to grief from the loss of his dad. I will call Mother in law ‘mum’ from now on for ease of writing.
We are very rural and mum was living in a huge old house that had become unmanageable. It was unclean, packed to the rafters because of hoarding, in disrepair, and she was isolated because the GP had said she was no longer safe to drive.
It took a while to get a diagnosis, she has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular, we were able to put LPA in place and have now moved her into a small cottage in the village so that she can walk to the GP, go to the shops and still have some independence. We thought this would make life easier and having a clean, clutter free home would be safer and more manageable.
It has just thrown up more problems though. She wasn’t washing/showering. Didn’t change her clothes. Wasn’t taking her meds. Couldn’t work the oven/hob (previously had an aga that was just on all the time). Getting dehydrated, which made her ill, because she doesn’t remember to drink…etc
Already we have in place a carer once a day, a cleaner once a week, memory nurse once a week and we are also going in most days and do/take her shopping, out for walks, to cafes. Despite living here for 30 years she doesn’t know anyone, has no friends or social circle, no other family around and because it’s a little village in rural Cumbria there is nothing locally like groups, day care,( there is a volunteer meal delivery once a week.) We struggled to find the carer that she currently has. We both work Full time. It’s exhausting.
We battle every day because she is hoarding again. Tissues, plastic bags, empty food containers, boxes, envelopes you name it. She won’t throw anything away. Food is a huge issue. Half eaten meals hidden in strange places. Refuses to store food correctly, things that should be kept in the fridge in various cupboards or just left out. We are throwing so much away because we don’t know how long things have been there. Despite the carer going in and making lunch and only taking a meal out of the freezer one at a time, by the time I/we get there everything like butter, cheese, yoghurts, meats, coleslaw, quiche etc is out of the fridge again. It’s the same when the carer arrives.
Because mum can now walk to the shops, she goes and buys the same things over and over. So much fruit, that she doesn’t eat, hides, then we find it rotting in a cupboard. Eggs, boxes and boxes, all hoarded away and not eaten. By the time we found them they were out of date. You get the gist. Mum used to run a B&B and had food hygiene qualifications. She has forgotten all this.
We are trying to monitor her water intake. We’ve tried refillable water bottles, she hides them. A jug and glass in front of her. It’s still there untouched when we go back. Disposable mineral water bottles. Short of standing over her and insisting she drinks we think she doesn’t drink anything until the next visit when we remind her again.
She has become childlike when prompted to do anything, eating, drinking, washing. She either lies that she’s “just” done it or laughs like she’s been caught out.
Mum also has 2 cats. They are all she lives for. She is fixated on them. So much so she now shuts them in rooms to keep them safe. Unfortunately she doesn’t grasp that they need food or water and access to a litter tray. We have put automatic food and water dispensers in but when she closes doors the cats can’t get to them. We try to encourage her to let them out into her totally secure garden. She is so scared of losing them that she cries and says she’ll never see them again. As soon as we leave she has them shut in a room again. (We’ve gone back in 5 minutes later to check) This is getting to be a real concern. It’s unfair on the cats, even cruel and I can’t let this go on much longer.
Having been through this with my own mother I thought I was prepared but this is different circumstances and she presents differently. We are desperate to keep her living semi independently as long as possible but she has deteriorated so quickly since moving into the cottage- she just doesn’t have capacity to manage even basic self care. Although if you met her and had a conversation you would think she was extremely capable.
I’m sorry this has been so long. I don’t know what I’m asking- tips about food, drinking, maybe. I think she needs more care visits each day but we can’t get anymore at the moment as the carer doesn’t have space. This was the only carer who had any space at all so we are stuck.
Lastly, I feel ashamed to say this has such an impact on me and my partner. We are only 4 years in, and only moved here last year. I’m finding it hard as it brings back so much of what I went through with my mum- which was just terrible. But it isn’t my mum, I barely know her and didn’t know her before as she was. I want to help and she has been nothing but lovely to me but this feels like a huge weight. We have space here in our house but I don’t want to go down that route. I work from home and from my point of view it would be too much. I would effectively become her 24 hour carer. I just want her to be safe and know that I’ve done the best I can to make this as easy as it can be on all of us.
If you managed to get this far, thank you.
It was clear to me that his mum had early dementia- having been through all this with my mother 10 years ago. It took a while for my partner to accept this as he wanted to put it down to grief from the loss of his dad. I will call Mother in law ‘mum’ from now on for ease of writing.
We are very rural and mum was living in a huge old house that had become unmanageable. It was unclean, packed to the rafters because of hoarding, in disrepair, and she was isolated because the GP had said she was no longer safe to drive.
It took a while to get a diagnosis, she has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular, we were able to put LPA in place and have now moved her into a small cottage in the village so that she can walk to the GP, go to the shops and still have some independence. We thought this would make life easier and having a clean, clutter free home would be safer and more manageable.
It has just thrown up more problems though. She wasn’t washing/showering. Didn’t change her clothes. Wasn’t taking her meds. Couldn’t work the oven/hob (previously had an aga that was just on all the time). Getting dehydrated, which made her ill, because she doesn’t remember to drink…etc
Already we have in place a carer once a day, a cleaner once a week, memory nurse once a week and we are also going in most days and do/take her shopping, out for walks, to cafes. Despite living here for 30 years she doesn’t know anyone, has no friends or social circle, no other family around and because it’s a little village in rural Cumbria there is nothing locally like groups, day care,( there is a volunteer meal delivery once a week.) We struggled to find the carer that she currently has. We both work Full time. It’s exhausting.
We battle every day because she is hoarding again. Tissues, plastic bags, empty food containers, boxes, envelopes you name it. She won’t throw anything away. Food is a huge issue. Half eaten meals hidden in strange places. Refuses to store food correctly, things that should be kept in the fridge in various cupboards or just left out. We are throwing so much away because we don’t know how long things have been there. Despite the carer going in and making lunch and only taking a meal out of the freezer one at a time, by the time I/we get there everything like butter, cheese, yoghurts, meats, coleslaw, quiche etc is out of the fridge again. It’s the same when the carer arrives.
Because mum can now walk to the shops, she goes and buys the same things over and over. So much fruit, that she doesn’t eat, hides, then we find it rotting in a cupboard. Eggs, boxes and boxes, all hoarded away and not eaten. By the time we found them they were out of date. You get the gist. Mum used to run a B&B and had food hygiene qualifications. She has forgotten all this.
We are trying to monitor her water intake. We’ve tried refillable water bottles, she hides them. A jug and glass in front of her. It’s still there untouched when we go back. Disposable mineral water bottles. Short of standing over her and insisting she drinks we think she doesn’t drink anything until the next visit when we remind her again.
She has become childlike when prompted to do anything, eating, drinking, washing. She either lies that she’s “just” done it or laughs like she’s been caught out.
Mum also has 2 cats. They are all she lives for. She is fixated on them. So much so she now shuts them in rooms to keep them safe. Unfortunately she doesn’t grasp that they need food or water and access to a litter tray. We have put automatic food and water dispensers in but when she closes doors the cats can’t get to them. We try to encourage her to let them out into her totally secure garden. She is so scared of losing them that she cries and says she’ll never see them again. As soon as we leave she has them shut in a room again. (We’ve gone back in 5 minutes later to check) This is getting to be a real concern. It’s unfair on the cats, even cruel and I can’t let this go on much longer.
Having been through this with my own mother I thought I was prepared but this is different circumstances and she presents differently. We are desperate to keep her living semi independently as long as possible but she has deteriorated so quickly since moving into the cottage- she just doesn’t have capacity to manage even basic self care. Although if you met her and had a conversation you would think she was extremely capable.
I’m sorry this has been so long. I don’t know what I’m asking- tips about food, drinking, maybe. I think she needs more care visits each day but we can’t get anymore at the moment as the carer doesn’t have space. This was the only carer who had any space at all so we are stuck.
Lastly, I feel ashamed to say this has such an impact on me and my partner. We are only 4 years in, and only moved here last year. I’m finding it hard as it brings back so much of what I went through with my mum- which was just terrible. But it isn’t my mum, I barely know her and didn’t know her before as she was. I want to help and she has been nothing but lovely to me but this feels like a huge weight. We have space here in our house but I don’t want to go down that route. I work from home and from my point of view it would be too much. I would effectively become her 24 hour carer. I just want her to be safe and know that I’ve done the best I can to make this as easy as it can be on all of us.
If you managed to get this far, thank you.
