Options to deal with partner calling me dad / papa

[TonyDB]

Hello all,

my wife and OH of the last 30 years has “mild” dementia diagnosis for over 6 months following a couple of years diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, varying degrees of confusion including “loosing my identity“ and “loosing our story” (those comments are curtesy of our very supportive Mental Health Team). We are both in our 70’s…

However yesterday (not the first time), out of pretty well nowhere having spent a pleasant morning and lunch at home, I called my wife one of our “pet” names for each other as we regularly do, which instantly came back with an angry reply of “you can’t call me that, your my dad”…

After that we had a tough afternoon and evening, and eventually settled as we went to our (occasionally separate, as needed last night) beds…

Previously I have been called “papa” and I have sort of got used to letting that slip by, trying neither to confirm or deny, just generally talking through and around the subject, that keeps the peace and we can get through that fairly quickly and carry on! However the “Dad” reply caught me out a bit by surprise and I immediately tried to correct her (huge mistake) and that was it, we had a really bad afternoon!

The additional issue when we get in places like this is my OH starts asking about “my relationship” with her mother, sister etc, that gets hard to answer sensibly and also difficult to diffuse and stop inflaming the situation, I try to quickly craft “neutral“ answers but if I get anything “wrong” then things escalate… Also I haven’t yet found a good way to “divert” her (the standard advice…) as she quickly brings me back with things like “your trying to avoid the questions, why can’t you answer..”. In this situation there is (to me anyway) a strange mix of her being in her sales heyday and never letting go and mixed up in time and place…

This morning I am still either papa or dad, but we seem to be getting on so hopefully things will calm down…

As stated in many other places on this forum, “smiling on the outside, screaming on the inside“, gosh that hurts sometimes!

Tony

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @TonyDB It is hard when this sort of thing happens as I know from first hand experience. My wife was always looking for K (me). She agreed I was a K but not the one she meant. She did move on to calling me Dad, sometimes believing I was a total stranger and so on. However much any of this hurts, one just needs to roll with the punches, as it were. Try to give short answers and avoid long explanations. If trying to justify oneself leads to more stress just let things go. Being called names and accused of things that aren't remotely possible is something to get used to. Sadly, if endearments or pet names cause upset then they are best avoided (which may not be easy after so long together).

You might also consider a permanent change to your sleeping arrangements. If your wife thinks that you are her dad, or a stranger, she may not be happy sharing her bed with you. By not doing so you may ease her tension and get some space for yourself. This certainly worked for me.

 

[TonyDB]

Hi @TonyDB It is hard when this sort of thing happens as I know from first hand experience. My wife was always looking for K (me). She agreed I was a K but not the one she meant. She did move on to calling me Dad, sometimes believing I was a total stranger and so on. However much any of this hurts, one just needs to roll with the punches, as it were. Try to give short answers and avoid long explanations. If trying to justify oneself leads to more stress just let things go. Being called names and accused of things that aren't remotely possible is something to get used to.

You might also consider a permanent change to your sleeping arrangements. If your wife thinks that you are her dad, or a stranger, she may not be happy sharing her bed with you. By not doing so you may ease her tension and get some space for yourself. This certainly worked for me.

hi northumbrian_k

thanks for that, the mental health team suggested this may be the case and recently we have slept together somethings and sometimes apart, I guess that the latter should probably become permanent fairly soon to keep the peace and keep us at home together….

again many thanks for the prompt reply

Tony