Only daughter whose mum went into Care Home week ago.

[nansiemlyn]

I'm only daughter 69 and mum is 89 in a few weeks Lived a long way away from.parents for over 40yrs Since my dad died 2yrs ago I've been supporting mum at a distance to live independently Managed well enough despite her having undiagnosed dementia for many years Took her to hospital early Jan with chest infection - but she had minor stroke - she ended up in stroke ward for 6mnths She has times when she is lucid - but due to slight balance issues and slight sight loss following stroke and the dementia having got worse her being disorientated at times now it was decided she could no longer live independently She arranged for me to have LPA immediately after dad died and had five MCA all of which she failed All agreed myself included it had to be care home She moved in on Monday She has now turned on me and blames me - accusing me if wanting he house etc She does eventually calm down She seems to be mixing and taking part in activities - although she claims she is made to sit in her room all day - I know this not to be true - she even went in the minibus with a couple of other ladies to the beach two days after she arrived ! Just like she did in hospital every day for six months she packs her clothes pictures etc up every day demanding to go home

Sorry for the very long time - but I'm a bit down after yesterday's visit Know it's early days as she has only been there a week - but I live a way away from home and it takes me a full day to get to get by public transport and I've bad arthritis myself I've been making trip twice a week to hospital recycling clothing washing etc for 6mnths I'm beginning to wonder if I should cut my visits to home to once fortnightly (other people living closer will visit) but I just set her off as being reason she is there Will she settle eventually ?


Sorry for going on and being garbled - but down and bit desperate


Thank you

 

[SkyeD]

Oh bless you. You've done the best thing for your mum - she's safe and secure and will have people on hand to help her with everything.

It's very hard when your parent moves into a care home... the feelings of guilt and so on. Plenty of lovely people on here will tell you lots of things that they (including me) have probably all been through (parent wanting to go home and so on) - please just remember that you're not on your own. It's very early days and your mum will settle eventually.

Sending you a hug,
S X

 

[Gosling]

Hello @nansiemlyn and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You will find us a very supportive and friendly bunch of people and there is lots of shared knowledge and experience from members of the various aspects of dementia. So I am glad you have found us.

I am sorry to hear about your Mum, and the fact that her health needs are such that she has had to move into a Care Home. As @SkyeD has said already, it's such a hard thing when you have to make that decision for a parent. I had to some years ago, so I too understand how you will be feeling. But you have done the right thing. It is a safe and cared for environment for her, and I am quite sure she will settle, and not be wanting to go home. My Mum did. Took a couple of weeks, but she did, and I'm sure your Mum will too.

With regards to visits, I would say go as frequently as is good for you. If others who are neared are visiting, then you know that is covered, so if it is easier for you, make it fortnightly perhaps. It may give you a bit of a break too, to recharge, which it sounds like you need.

Take care, and do remember please, there is always someone here. Don't feel alone, as you most certainly are not.

 

[Sarasa]

A warm welcome from me too @nansiemlyn. I'm glad you've found this forum as it is a good place for support and to offload if need be.
I was lucky in that my mum didn't blame me most of the time for being in care, she mainly blamed my 'nasty boyfriend'. I don't have one of those, just a rather nice husband. However he had made it very clear over the couple of years before mum moved into care that she wasn't going to move in with us as much as she wanted to. It did take mum a while to settle, and even then she wanted to be elsewhere even though she admitted she was quite happy where she was. I think it is part of the dementia, the idea if the person with dementia was elsewhere everything would be fine.
If your mum is settling in well it might be a good idea to hold off visiting too much for a while until she has settled in some more. Seeing you or hearing from you may well be setting her off.
If there are other people who visit once a fortnight seems fine for visiting. You can always phone the home to ask how she is getting on, or send in flowers, chocolates or other small things you think your mum will like in the meantime.
You won't be able to help your mum at all if you end up so worn out you can't do anything.

 

[Anitatampa]

I had to move my mom into a memory care home two months ago, and she still demands to be taken to her home every time I visit her. I go once a week, text the nurses and staff once a day and ask how my mom is doing. They also have a website inwhich they post them doing fun stuff. I see and hear how good my mom loves doing and participating in all the events and schedule things everyday; but she claims “it’s boring, I don’t like it here and I don’t do anything…take me home now.” She forgets all the stuff she does and loves to sing and dance. I believe they will never forget to complain to you and will most of the time will demand to be taken home…just do what I do: 1. Change the subject to something pleasant 2. Play a game or an activity with your parent 3. Take them around the place. It always works so far. I paint her nails or bring her a small gift other times and that makes her happy.
I can breathe again and have peace of mind that she is in a safe place. She was so hard, exhausting, and very demanding of all my time every single day. I tried very hard to keep her safe and happy and active, but it was taking a lot out of me. She could not be left alone for any amount of time and was needed so much help….I had no life or energy for anything else. Please don’t feel bad at all about visit g her every two weeks, she is fine and finding her way in her new environment and probably making new friends. Just breath!
sending a hug from Tampa Florida…Anita

 

[nansiemlyn]

A warm welcome from me too @nansiemlyn. I'm glad you've found this forum as it is a good place for support and to offload if need be.
I was lucky in that my mum didn't blame me most of the time for being in care, she mainly blamed my 'nasty boyfriend'. I don't have one of those, just a rather nice husband. However he had made it very clear over the couple of years before mum moved into care that she wasn't going to move in with us as much as she wanted to. It did take mum a while to settle, and even then she wanted to be elsewhere even though she admitted she was quite happy where she was. I think it is part of the dementia, the idea if the person with dementia was elsewhere everything would be fine.
If your mum is settling in well it might be a good idea to hold off visiting too much for a while until she has settled in some more. Seeing you or hearing from you may well be setting her off.
If there are other people who visit once a fortnight seems fine for visiting. You can always phone the home to ask how she is getting on, or send in flowers, chocolates or other small things you think your mum will like in the meantime.
You won't be able to help your mum at all if you end up so worn out you can't do anything.

Thank you so much

 

[nansiemlyn]

Hello @nansiemlyn and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You will find us a very supportive and friendly bunch of people and there is lots of shared knowledge and experience from members of the various aspects of dementia. So I am glad you have found us.

I am sorry to hear about your Mum, and the fact that her health needs are such that she has had to move into a Care Home. As @SkyeD has said already, it's such a hard thing when you have to make that decision for a parent. I had to some years ago, so I too understand how you will be feeling. But you have done the right thing. It is a safe and cared for environment for her, and I am quite sure she will settle, and not be wanting to go home. My Mum did. Took a couple of weeks, but she did, and I'm sure your Mum will too.

With regards to visits, I would say go as frequently as is good for you. If others who are neared are visiting, then you know that is covered, so if it is easier for you, make it fortnightly perhaps. It may give you a bit of a break too, to recharge, which it sounds like you need.

Take care, and do remember please, there is always someone here. Don't feel alone, as you most certainly are not.

Thank you

 

[nansiemlyn]

I had to move my mom into a memory care home two months ago, and she still demands to be taken to her home every time I visit her. I go once a week, text the nurses and staff once a day and ask how my mom is doing. They also have a website inwhich they post them doing fun stuff. I see and hear how good my mom loves doing and participating in all the events and schedule things everyday; but she claims “it’s boring, I don’t like it here and I don’t do anything…take me home now.” She forgets all the stuff she does and loves to sing and dance. I believe they will never forget to complain to you and will most of the time will demand to be taken home…just do what I do: 1. Change the subject to something pleasant 2. Play a game or an activity with your parent 3. Take them around the place. It always works so far. I paint her nails or bring her a small gift other times and that makes her happy.
I can breathe again and have peace of mind that she is in a safe place. She was so hard, exhausting, and very demanding of all my time every single day. I tried very hard to keep her safe and happy and active, but it was taking a lot out of me. She could not be left alone for any amount of time and was needed so much help….I had no life or energy for anything else. Please don’t feel bad at all about visit g her every two weeks, she is fine and finding her way in her new environment and probably making new friends. Just breath!
sending a hug from Tampa Florida…Anita

Thank you so much

 

[nansiemlyn]

Oh bless you. You've done the best thing for your mum - she's safe and secure and will have people on hand to help her with everything.

It's very hard when your parent moves into a care home... the feelings of guilt and so on. Plenty of lovely people on here will tell you lots of things that they (including me) have probably all been through (parent wanting to go home and so on) - please just remember that you're not on your own. It's very early days and your mum will settle eventually.

Sending you a hug,
S X

Thank you

 

[SAP]

I think the important thing is that your mum is safe and it sounds like she is being well looked after. Now you need to think about your own health needs. If visiting her often is leaving you feeling exhausted and upset, there is no harm in taking a small break and allowing your self time to process all that you have been through. You can always ring the home for an update in between visits. Hopefully your mum will settle and eventually she will stop asking to go home. Remember this is the dementia talking , not your mum. She needs time to adjust. Be kind to yourself you have done an amazing job so far. X

 

[scotlass]

when My mum had to eventually go into a nursing home I made up my mind I would visit her every day, and I meant it at the time, but I couldn't live up to it, the nursing home was about 20 miles away, I had a husband and two children at home, it was so exhausting. she was well looked after ,so my visits were cut to once a week sometimes once a fortnight. we have good intentions, but our bodies tell us when to slow down, Now it's my husband who has alzheimers,he's not too bad at the moment, but we never know when that could all change....make time for yourself...x

 

[nansiemlyn]

I think the important thing is that your mum is safe and it sounds like she is being well looked after. Now you need to think about your own health needs. If visiting her often is leaving you feeling exhausted and upset, there is no harm in taking a small break and allowing your self time to process all that you have been through. You can always ring the home for an update in between visits. Hopefully your mum will settle and eventually she will stop asking to go home. Remember this is the dementia talking , not your mum. She needs time to adjust. Be kind to yourself you have done an amazing job so far. X

Thank you x