Only a few more days together

[kd7279]

I am feeling totally, totally depressed. My wife goes in to care on Tuesday after long and careful deliberation by me and involving her immediate family.
Everything I do now, I think that this will be one of the last times I can do it for her. We still sleep together and cuddle each other (even if she doesn't know who I am!) and tell each other we love them. It's tearing me apart.
It's almost like looking ahead to a bereavement, I'm finding it so hard to accept that we will never be together again, to go on holiday, to go to bed together, to sit down to a meal together, to fall asleep in front of the TV together, and I still have three more days of this torment.
She doesn't know she is going in to care of course, and I'm trying to put on a normal face, but it's so so hard not to keep bursting out into tears in front of her (as I am now as I write this)
I have got this of my chest, now got to get her showered and dressed.

 

[Jess26]

I wish I had some words to comfort you.
You have just made me realize what a whole different ball game it is when it's your partner that's going into care rather than a parent or some other relative. Your love for your wife shines through.

Thinking of you.

 

[jeany123]

I don't know what to say, just sending my best wishes and I hope things go well, remember you are still caring for her but in a different way,

Jeany x

 

[kingmidas1962]

It really is a bereavement of a kind, so it's understandable that you feel this way. My mum feels the same about my dad. It may be your cup of tea but had you thought about having sone counselling? It can be reakkreally helpful when times are difficult.

Your wife is incredibly lucky to have you - please keep coming back to let off steam when you need to xxxx

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Your post is very sad and I feel for you - but - you will still be able to love your wife, spend time with your wife, kiss her and hug her. She is not going to prison and will be allowed out for outings.

You are doing a very unselfish thing. Far worse to continue as you were as you must have been struggling for some time.

If I was in the position of needing care, I would prefer my husband/family did not struggle so much to keep me at 'home' and end up viewing me as a burden and feel at breaking point about me. I have heard so much anguish and frustration here from carers, so personally, I would not like to receive care at this horrendous cost.

I am therefore sure your decision is the best one for your relationship.

Good luck!

 

[rajahh]

My heart goes out to you. I get so close to facing this with my own husband, and can well imagine how you are saying to yourself, only three more times todo this, and then only two.

I am sure you have kept your wife at home longer than you probably should have, but parting is just so difficult

Jeannette

 

[Grannie G]

I can identify with you kd having experienced the same three years ago.

What you omit from your feelings of sadness are the reasons you made this painful decision. Yes you will miss so much but at the same time will be spared the behaviours which brought you to this decision.

It`s comparable to remembering sunny schooldays but forgetting the rain.

I do hope your wife settles well and you will benefit from sharing the caring with support from a team of professionals, leaving you with quality time to spend together.

 

[optocarol]

Hope all goes well. I have just read My Bonnie by John Suchet and he talks at the end about when his wife went in to care. You might be interested, it was a good book.

 

[Rosie Webros]

I do feel for you but what you are doing is a very unselfish thing. You can tell that you love your wife so much and so you know that you have made this decision in her best interests. I am sure that once she is settled in the home and you realise it's not the end of your good times together you will feel a lot better. You will have quality time with your wife then and can still cuddle her and take her out. Hope all goes well. Take care xx

 

[meme]

So sad......She is so loved, and you will look after her in the same way but in a different place and space

 

[Big Effort]

Dear kd,

It is without doubt the most difficult, saddest thing a carer has to do. As a daughter, this is unbearable, to have no choice but to organise alternative care for Mum. However I think for a couple to be separated in this way is absolutely excruciating. My heart goes out to you.

It is good that you posted..... keep posting. I am just reading a book about the vital importance of sharing something painful, of speaking out worst fears and nightmares and feelings, or writing them here on TP. It is critically important that we share these pains, bottling them up makes them fester. So post, post, and post some more. Decisions like this have been taken by some, lie ahead of others..... so while it is dreadfully painful, you are not alone.

One mercy is that your wife is not being simultaneously torn to shreds. For that I am glad. For your pain, I am not. But we are human and these things matter so much.
Hugs and more hugs, you are so brave, and let the tears flow, hugs again, BE

 

[kd7279]

Thanks to all of you who have posted. It is always good to get something off your chest, which is what counseling does really.
To optocarol, yes I have John Suchet's book, in fact I have almost used it as a reference book, it mirrors our life together so closely it's uncanny.

I promise to keep you all informed as to how things go.
Keith

 

[lilysmybabypup]

So sad for you. Sometimes we don't give men enough credit for the depth of their love and devotion. You have clearly given all of that and more to your wife.

You are right that it must feel like a bereavement. I just hope as you recover from the huge task of caring, you will be free to enjoy your time together now.

Give yourself time and rest in the knowledge that you have acted selflessly and with devotion.

Take care,
Stephanie

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry to read of your situation Keith. I can only imagine what it must be like. I hope your wife settles well and you can both enjoy your time together in a different way. Take care. x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello Keith. I think you are doing a brave and heroic thing. You will probably disagree, I know. But I'm the daughter of a wonderful man who is struggling to look after his wife, my mam, at home, and is gradually being consumed by this awful illness just as much as she is. Watching them both decline even though only one of them has the disease is just soul destroying.

I wish you all the best and hope that this new phase in both your lives will not be a bad one, but will allow you to relinquish at least some of the stress and concentrate on spending quality time together that you can both enjoy.

I don't know if I'm wording this correctly, but I feel for you. I hope all goes well on the day, and we're thinking of you.

CG x

 

[garnuft]

So sad to read about the choices you have been forced to make Keith.

I have no words to comfort you other than to say that you have made this decision because it is the right one, try to keep that in your mind.

The grief you must feel at the changes in your life are unimaginable to me but I feel for you.

I wish you strength to deal with the extraordinary challenges you are faced with.
Very best wishes.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Keith,

I totally understand your feelings; my husband went into care just over a year ago. I felt wretched, guilty, sad and so many other negative feelings.

I too miss the things you mention, and there is no getting away from it. But, in the last year, i have learnt so any positive things.

I visit him as often as I can, usually about 5 times a week, and make sure we have some quality time together. I don't need to worry about the messy jobs, unless i choose to. I can enjoy the good things when we are together. The cuddles, we always have a cuddle during my visit, and i always kiss him on arriving and before i leave. Not the same cuddles, but the best i can do.

I know his needs are met and he is contented with life. I couldn't meet his needs on my own at home, so he now feels more comfortable knowing that there is someone there for him at all times.

I am working hard on building my life up away from the CH, as my GP told me that there is nothing wrong with having your own life. I am working on that aspect!!

I wish you well in the next few days, and the weeks to follow. I hope this helps just a little.

Jan xx

 

[angelface]

So sorry for the way things are with you, you must feel almost like a condemned man. I suppose that sounds too dramatic, but you must feel just awful.

You are so brave to be able to do this. Just sending love and support.

G

 

[kd7279]

Well, tomorrow is the day. I have just taken a few things round to the CH to personalise her room, flowers, pictures, ornaments etc and had a good old cry whilst in there. In fact I can't seem to be able to do anything without breaking down.
The terrible thing is that she has been so much better the last few days. We always used to have a mini battle getting her undressed, last night everytime I took something off she thanked me. She is taking her medication without fuss, and, for the first time in nearly three years, is asking to be taken to the toilet.
It's almost as if she knows she is going into care.
If she were to be angry and lashing out, I wouldn't feel so bad about her going into care, now I'm wondering if I am doing the right thing, although I know in my head I am but my heart says no.
One more night together.
Keith

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Well, tomorrow is the day. I have just taken a few things round to the CH to personalise her room, flowers, pictures, ornaments etc and had a good old cry whilst in there. In fact I can't seem to be able to do anything without breaking down.
The terrible thing is that she has been so much better the last few days. We always used to have a mini battle getting her undressed, last night everytime I took something off she thanked me. She is taking her medication without fuss, and, for the first time in nearly three years, is asking to be taken to the toilet.
It's almost as if she knows she is going into care.
If she were to be angry and lashing out, I wouldn't feel so bad about her going into care, now I'm wondering if I am doing the right thing, although I know in my head I am but my heart says no.
One more night together.
Keith

Keith, how thoughtful and caring you are, placing cherished and beautiful items in your wife's room. I can't say I know how you feel right now because I haven't walked your path, but I acknowledge your grief at this upheaval in both your lives.

I wonder whether the little improvements and passive behaviour is because your wife can sense your deep sadness and is in her own way responding to that emotion. It's natural to have self-doubt as the day approaches, and to look for glimmers of hope.

Nothing we say can ease your distress right now, sadly, it's something you will deal with in your own way and in your own time. All we can do is to say you are a wonderful husband and, I hope that, while your relationship will change, there will still be precious times to share, and special moments together.

Forgive yourself and take it one day at a time. Take care,

Stephanie, xxx