OH constantly mourning long-dead siblings

[brioni]

My wife is in her early 80's with moderate-stage Alzheimer's. She comes from a large family of many brothers and sisters, where she is one of the younger ones. Now that her long-term memory is firmly fixed in her childhood, she is constantly mourning the fact that her older siblings have since died (some many years ago).
I struggle to deal with this - usually by telling her that they are all older then her, but this doesn't seem to satisfy her. Within the past couple of days I have changed to saying that they wouldn't want her to be sad, and that would make them sad; this seems to be more effective (at the moment).
I wonder, however, does anyone have a suggestion for a better solution?

 

[canary]

Does she remember that her siblings have died, or do you have to remind her? Is there anything that is triggering it off?

With dementia you have to prevent them from anxiety and every time she realises that her siblings are dead will be like the first time she heard, so its best to prevent her from going there. Try heading her off and distracting her when you realise where the conversation is going. If she asks where they are or whether they are dead, then love lies are the way to go. Hopefully this phase will pass soon

 

[marionq]

Whenever this topic comes up about siblings I seem to have a contrarian view and wish I didn’t. My husband was one of 7 brothers and 2 sisters. Only himself and one handicapped sister left. At the height of his Alzheimer’s he constantly wanted to go out to meet up with one or more brothers usually at a place that no longer existed. He is 86. I just didn’t have enough distraction techniques to cover all of them so was very direct and when he mentioned x or y I told him calmly they had died in such and such a place and in what year. I then swiftly moved on to another topic.

This worked although it took months before it subsided. The important thing is not to raise anything which would remind them so I never bring out old photo albums or talk about matters which focus on his family.

 

[brioni]

Does she remember that her siblings have died, or do you have to remind her? Is there anything that is triggering it off?

With dementia you have to prevent them from anxiety and every time she realises that her siblings are dead will be like the first time she heard, so its best to prevent her from going there. Try heading her off and distracting her when you realise where the conversation is going. If she asks where they are or whether they are dead, then love lies are the way to go. Hopefully this phase will pass soon

Thanks so much for your advice; I'm very sorry that I haven't responded before, but I haven't checked back on this thread for 2 years!! Where does all the time go?
Anyway, that mourning phase has passed, she no longer mentions the siblings who have died, except for the sister who was closest to her. Unless she says that sister is dead, I don't; I just say that she is in (wherever it was that she lived). Seems to satisfy her.

 

[brioni]

Whenever this topic comes up about siblings I seem to have a contrarian view and wish I didn’t. My husband was one of 7 brothers and 2 sisters. Only himself and one handicapped sister left. At the height of his Alzheimer’s he constantly wanted to go out to meet up with one or more brothers usually at a place that no longer existed. He is 86. I just didn’t have enough distraction techniques to cover all of them so was very direct and when he mentioned x or y I told him calmly they had died in such and such a place and in what year. I then swiftly moved on to another topic.

This worked although it took months before it subsided. The important thing is not to raise anything which would remind them so I never bring out old photo albums or talk about matters which focus on his family.

Apologies for taking so long to respond; I realise that I have not checked this thread for 2 years - where does the time go?
Initially I used the same technique as you - "he/she died some time ago etc". Now, when the question arises (which is far less frequent these days) I simply say that they are in (whichever town they were buried) without mentioning the buried part. That seems to work in our case as her family were spread across the world, none of them in the UK.

 

[Scarlet Lady]

My aunt is now in a phase where she constantly asks if her elder sister (my mother) is still alive, which she hasn’t been for over twelve years. She’s usually satisfied with that explanation, even if she forgets within seconds, and never seems distressed by it. But the other day, she suddenly said, “where’s Audrey?” And I found I had no answer. Where indeed? I brushed it off as best I could.

 

[marionq]

It’s quite strange when old threads are resurrected as so much has changed. My husband fell and broke his hip in the week of that post and died five weeks later. The handicapped sister I mentioned then became my sole responsibility. She fell apart when the first lockdown started and was admitted to a care home. Some months later she was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus and has now died. Our posts are a history book.