1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Mum is obsessed with her dead relatives in two ways, she doubles them up meaning she says things like I know my mum is dead, but I mean my mum and she seems to get odd pleasure in going over their deaths. This has been going on for months.

    Mum wants to go over and over the year they died, what they died from, the grave they are buried in and who they are buried with. On a good day it can be half a dozen times a day, on a bad day we are in double figures, getting more and more insistent. She will not be distracted by tea, food, tv going out or anything else. It has been driving me up the wall. I suggested we write the details down so she has them, but no she didn't want to do that.

    The bizarre thing was she started up as usual on Monday and after going through it several times I caught her looking at me in such a sly way I would swear it was deliberate. I'm afraid that did it for me I wrote the details down and gave it to her. She threw it on the floor. I put it on the arm of the chair, she pushed it off. She refused to have anything to do with it.

    Mum has a console table by her chair and she keeps bits and pieces in there. I put the paper in there. Mum still hasn't acknowledged or to my knowledge touched the paper and yet yesterday for the first time since about June mum did not ask about the dead relatives. It was only one day, but it was so nice not to have to go over it. I'm praying it lasts!
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,860
    Female
    Scotland
    Interesting! It suggests that there is a degree of understanding what is reality. That is why I am very straight albeit brief when my husband asks about one of his six dead brothers some of whom he hasn't seen for decades.

    I just give him the facts then move directly on to something nicer or offer a cup of tea. There has definitely been a reduction in these conversations.
     
  3. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I find it hard to go over it when everything I read tells me love lies could be a better way to handle things, but despite thinking that there are two of her mum etc she knows on some level that her parents etc are dead and therefore she would spot the lie. Like you when we have to go over it I keep the answers short. I do wonder if she picks up in my reluctance to go over all the details (nothing unusual, but still depressing) and whether that makes her all the more determined.
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,111
    Toronto, Canada
    Lavender, I think the love lies work in reassuring those who are anxious about what has happened to their loved ones. I know they worked for my mother. So since your mother doesn't seen to be bothered, I wouldn't worry so much about it.
     
  5. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Update

    Just a quick update.

    Mum is back to wanting details of her relatives deaths. I checked and the piece of paper I wrote the details on has gone from the draw in the console table. Probably coincidence, but back to square one. I swear she finds some enjoyment I don't understand out of endlessly going over the details.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,563
    Female
    South coast
    Endlessly going over the same details is par for the dementia course.
    As the details dont seem to be upsetting her, unless it upsets you I would just keep giving her the same brief details and just let it wash over you.
     

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