Nursing home needed

[Jessie107]

I haven't posted on here for a while as I haven't needed to, but things have come to a head.
My Mum who has Alziemers has become more and more verbally aggressive with us and has got a lot worse mentally now. She has rages and we have got to the stage where we can't go on looking after her at home for much longer.
My brother sleeps in the house overnight, my sister does all day, I can now only manage two afternoons a week as I have M. E.
The problem is she has always said she doesn't want to go into a nursing home, so she will not go willingly no chance. So how do we actually get her in one? The Mental health team are involved and have been told we can't carry on, will they section her?
My god that will be so traumatic, I can't witness that. We just don't know how to get her into a home, either way it's going to be horrible.
Would really welcome any advice, sorry for short post, can't concentrate for long due to M. E.

 

[Beate]

Has she lost capacity? If so, other people can make this decision for her. Have you got health & welfare POA by any chance? If not, powers to be can make a best interest decision. No one's talking about sectioning or dragging her kicking and screaming yet. A bit of subterfuge and love lies go a long way! She could go to a "hotel for recuperation on doctor's orders" or something. It's a pretty common scenario for someone to say they don't want to go into a care home. I'm still waiting for the person to come along and say, yes, please!

 

[Jessie107]

Thanks for your reply.
Yes we do have power to attorney for health and welfare.
When we suggested to her that she go for respite to give us a break, she completely flips and we are met with shouting and aggression that is off the scale, very hard to take. She has lost capacity, but is still aware of where she is and the house, so getting her to go to a nice 'Hotel' is just not going to work.
Even when she was in hospital a year ago she was constantly, saying she wanted to go home and refused to go to rehabilitation, she is very very difficult to deal with and very strong willed, so I have no idea how we are going to deal with it.
Jessie

 

[For-my-Dad]

Thanks for your reply.
Yes we do have power to attorney for health and welfare.
When we suggested to her that she go for respite to give us a break, she completely flips and we are met with shouting and aggression that is off the scale, very hard to take. She has lost capacity, but is still aware of where she is and the house, so getting her to go to a nice 'Hotel' is just not going to work.
Even when she was in hospital a year ago she was constantly, saying she wanted to go home and refused to go to rehabilitation, she is very very difficult to deal with and very strong willed, so I have no idea how we are going to deal with it.
Jessie

Hi there, My dad, who is only 75, has been in a home for 5 weeks. He isn't aggressive (yet) but was repeatedly wandering day and night and so deemed a danger to himself. He is very physically fit so even on a GPS tracker could get very far before we could intercept. As others have said, you have the right to a S services mental capacity test. When asked if he might be better/safer out of his home, of course the poor man said no- repeatedly.However our , in many ways inept and unsupportive, social worker was able to unpick with him whether he was of totally sound mind, understood his own safeguarding risks and could retain that information and sadly he couldn't. Then a report is produced and essentially the state/ s.services deem your loved one would be safer in a home. Once in a home they apply for a Deprivation of Liberty Order. Another Best Interest assessor comes out and they explain the legal process to you. There was no way my dad was going in willingly so, bereft of other ideas, I exhausted him that day and he went there late. I liaised with the home re this issue of how to get him in. They suggested it was put in terms of a nice one night stay in a hotel initially. He was suspicious walking in. He was so knackered from walking round Essex, having hearty meals and loads of stimulation , he took it for that night. If you read the thread I posted a couple of days ago ( my first), he is still understandably upset about being there but just today there were very small signs of a smidgen of acceptance. I wish I could tell you another happier way to do this and the way I had to do it grieves my conscience but if I step back, I can see he was a danger to himself and I pray he will settle more and that we can still have some good days when they come. So first step is definitely to ask for a mental capacity test for your loved one. I am so sorry. I have 3 kids, youngest still young and spent months rehabilitating one after a serious illness but this is still the hardest thing. It feels so horribly deceitful but to be honest I would resist being put in a home. I guess we have to understand that and know we have their best interests truly at heart, even if they cant see it.

 

[For-my-Dad]

Hi there, My dad, who is only 75, has been in a home for 5 weeks. He isn't aggressive (yet) but was repeatedly wandering day and night and so deemed a danger to himself. He is very physically fit so even on a GPS tracker could get very far before we could intercept. As others have said, you have the right to a S services mental capacity test. When asked if he might be better/safer out of his home, of course the poor man said no- repeatedly.However our , in many ways inept and unsupportive, social worker was able to unpick with him whether he was of totally sound mind, understood his own safeguarding risks and could retain that information and sadly he couldn't. Then a report is produced and essentially the state/ s.services deem your loved one would be safer in a home. Once in a home they apply for a Deprivation of Liberty Order. Another Best Interest assessor comes out and they explain the legal process to you. There was no way my dad was going in willingly so, bereft of other ideas, I exhausted him that day and took him there late. I liaised with the home. They suggested it was put in terms of a nice one night stay in a hotel with me initially. He was suspicious walking in. He was so knackered from walking round Essex, having hearty meals and loads of stimulation , he took it for that night. If you read the thread I posted a couple of days ago ( my first), he is still understandably upset about being there but just today there were very small signs of a smidgen of acceptance. I wish I could tell you another happier way to do this and the way I had to do it grieves my conscience but if I step back, I can see he was a danger to himself and I pray he will settle more and that we can still have some good days when they come. So first step is definitely to ask for a mental capacity test for your loved one. I am so sorry. I have 3 kids, youngest still young and spent months rehabilitating one after a serious illness but this is still the hardest thing. It feels so horribly deceitful but to be honest I would resist being put in a home. I guess we have to understand that and know we have their best interests truly at heart, even if they cant see it.

Sorry meant to add- we were actually threatened with a section too so of those two options, a home is better even if she resists it.

 

[Amy in the US]

Jessie, if she is oriented to her location, then work with that, maybe with work that needs to be done on the house: the boiler is out and it's freezing, the water pipes have burst, the roof needs work, anything that would make the house an unsafe and unlivable place for a while. She can leave "when the builders say it's finished and okay to move back in." Shifting blame is key

Or if she is a person who will go along with "doctor's orders," then the doctor is concerned about her (insert name of malady she has had that will resonate with her), or wants her to build up her strength, or is worried about that nasty flu going around, or whatever. She can leave "when the doctor says so." Again, always make it someone else's fault, not yours!

I wouldn't discuss it in advance or try to get her to agree or bring the topic up at all. As you know, there's no reasoning with dementia and it will only frustrate everyone.

You have PoA, so you make the decisions.

I have been there and know how difficult it is. For me, one of the hardest parts of dealing with dementia is having to make decisions for another person, and decide what is best for them. Care needs have to dictate our choices, not what they want, say they want, would have wanted, or what we want, all too often. It's not easy or pleasant and I'm sorry.