Nursing Home move

[maisiecat]

Hi,
My husband has been in a Dementia Nursing Home since August and has been pretty settled in the last 2 months. He has late stage Parkinsons and mixed dementia. When I visited today the Manager called me over and said that in a meeting they had talked about my husband being too "good" for their Home as they have many people with worse dementia and did I think I should move him?
I was so shocked as his placement in the Home is permanent. A Care Home won't accept him as he has Nursing Care needs and he remains utterly delusional. For instance he wants to go to Butlins on holiday so we can go on the rides. We'll go on the bus. This is a man who can barely walk.
Has anyone had to do this and I need to know how to do it. I don't even know if he has a social worker. She told me they won't ask for him to be taken out but that must be in her mind.
I would welcome any advice as I need to be ready for the request to remove him and my own mental health remains fragile from 15 years of caring.

 

[Bod]

If he's settled, and the home can meet his needs, then I would leave him there.

Bod

 

[scotlass]

sorry to hear that the nursing home is thinking about moving your husband, surely they understand that dementia will only get worse, I don't think it would be in your husbands best interest to move him when he is settled where he is. I hope he manages to stay where he is,,,,

 

[maisiecat]

If he's settled, and the home can meet his needs, then I would leave him there.

Bod

I have no desire to move him and can't imagine why they are suggesting it. None of his diseases will improve and I think any change will be detrimental. I just wondered if anyone had experience of it.

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

I feel there is a lot of unnecessary stress for us relatives of people in care homes. This seemingly casual swipe has had a big impact on you. They just don't seem to get our needs or what we can contribute in terms of our expertise on our family member. Because they get to spend so little time one-to-one with residents, whereas you as the relative still do, you are often much more tuned in to how they are but that doesn't sit easy with their role as 'the professionals'. They tell you things they've discovered about your relative - she's actually got a bit of a nasty streak - as if you weren't all too familiar with it after years of exposure to it.

It seems bizarre when others are posting here about people being booted out for being too bad that your husband might be booted out for being too good. I assume from what you say that he is funded by social services and if they are happy with it, then this is a storm in a tea cup. He likely doesn't have a named social worker, but the duty desk are there for you regardless. Hopefully they can put your mind at rest. You don't need to be on alert for something that isn't on the cards. But even so, it undermines your sense that they value him as one of theirs. Some people are really crass and as relatives, we're vulnerable to that crassness.

 

[maisiecat]

I feel there is a lot of unnecessary stress for us relatives of people in care homes. This seemingly casual swipe has had a big impact on you. They just don't seem to get our needs or what we can contribute in terms of our expertise on our family member. Because they get to spend so little time one-to-one with residents, whereas you as the relative still do, you are often much more tuned in to how they are but that doesn't sit easy with their role as 'the professionals'. They tell you things they've discovered about your relative - she's actually got a bit of a nasty streak - as if you weren't all too familiar with it after years of exposure to it.

It seems bizarre when others are posting here about people being booted out for being too bad that your husband might be booted out for being too good. I assume from what you say that he is funded by social services and if they are happy with it, then this is a storm in a tea cup. He likely doesn't have a named social worker, but the duty desk are there for you regardless. Hopefully they can put your mind at rest. You don't need to be on alert for something that isn't on the cards. But even so, it undermines your sense that they value him as one of theirs. Some people are really crass and as relatives, we're vulnerable to that crassness.

Hi @Mumlikesflowers , I did really feel attacked out of the blue over it. I know I am still fragile and am having counselling but it seemed so arbitrary and pointless. If he is changed to a lighter touch home he will soon deteriorate and be moved again. I didn't know about the duty desk so thats very helpful.
If he is to be moved I will take him home. I know it won't work long term but if I'm going to live waiting for an axe to fall on me I'd rather be the one who is holding the axe. He is funded by LA although his pensions make a big contribution and I top up from a legacy I have and he gets NHS contribution.

 

[maggie6445]

Hi, @maisiecat , I'm sorry this has happened. Do you think the LA are pushing for a cheaper home if they feel his needs could be met elsewhere? The " too good for here" made me wonder what's prompted the idea of a move . Hope I'm not right,seems unfair if he's settled.
Or maybe she was thinking that as you are topping up you could find something less expensive that would still meet his needs

 

[maisiecat]

Hi, @maisiecat , I'm sorry this has happened. Do you think the LA are pushing for a cheaper home if they feel his needs could be met elsewhere? The " too good for here" made me wonder what's prompted the idea of a move . Hope I'm not right,seems unfair if he's settled.
Or maybe she was thinking that as you are topping up you could find something less expensive that would still meet his needs

Hi @maggie6445 I am not sure the LA are involved with it. Seemed pretty off the cuff to me and when she called me in I assumed it was to explain a medication error that had been made.
He had been home for lunch at the weekend for the first time which had been pretty bittersweet as he obviously only partially recognised it.
Trouble is its given me the feeling that I am shutting him away unfairly and the guilt is always near

 

[maisiecat]

sorry to hear that the nursing home is thinking about moving your husband, surely they understand that dementia will only get worse, I don't think it would be in your husbands best interest to move him when he is settled where he is. I hope he manages to stay where he is,,,,

Hi @scotlass His dementia seems pretty much to the fore to me. He hit another resident last week. He is up from 2am and when he knew he was coming home for lunch had obviously been difficult to manage as he thought we were late. He also swallowed 2 double doses of his tablets when they made a medication mistake without commenting

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @maggie6445 I am not sure the LA are involved with it. Seemed pretty off the cuff to me and when she called me in I assumed it was to explain a medication error that had been made.
He had been home for lunch at the weekend for the first time which had been pretty bittersweet as he obviously only partially recognised it.
Trouble is its given me the feeling that I am shutting him away unfairly and the guilt is always near

I'm sorry her remark has unsettled you. As carers we can have enough guilt without off the cuff comments adding to it.

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

I've given up aspiring to take Mum out of the home for anything as it doesn't seem like a kindness. I think the suggestion from @maggie6445 that they thought they were doing you a favour financially by suggesting it seems plausible. Please be aware of this narrative about jumping ship before they sink you. As you said yourself, it was a remark off the cuff with no concept from them of how it would make you feel. It might be better to ask for a meeting and say how anxious it made you feel and then they may well say 'oh gosh sorry' we just thought we might be doing you a favour financially. And you can say no, what is doing me a favour is to reassure me that this is his home.

 

[maisiecat]

Thank you I expect you are all right and my reaction was over the top. It had been very difficult bringing him home emotionally for me and when he obviously barely recognised it I felt swamped by grief.
I think too that they have no idea of the pain you go through as carers. I had only just begun to feel sane again. Luckily I had a counselling session this afternoon (not lucky for the counsellor) and I think it showed her how fragile I am.
It was so unexpected too as the hospital social worker and consultant had told me he would never be safe to come home so if he was moved he would just have to be moved back again.
Thanks for your answers and support

 

[maggie6445]

Have a good nights rest. Tomorrow is another day and I hope it's better for you.