My mum is absolutely fabulous at hostess-ing too! It's one of the hardest aspects of dementia to get used to because if you are the person who doesn't get the hostess treatment, it can feel so lonely and it's hard not to take it to heart.
After a couple of GP visits after dad died, where mum fussed over the GP like a mother hen and declared she was fine, I eventually made an appointment to see him by myself and just explained everything and we concocted a plan together. He dropped in 'unexpectedly' (to mum) telling her it was time for her annual check-over and she just went along with it. He started to chat with her about things in the village and mum totally tripped herself up by getting everything mixed up, without once realising she wasn't doing a brilliant job of holding a conversation.
So, finally, we are awaiting a trip to the Memory Clinic and I've done as Weasel suggested (thank you Weasel
) and written out a summary of what I really want them to know. I think my lowest moment was when mum's previous care agency actually accused me of being paranoid and deluded because they only saw her in hostess mode and blamed me for the times she was down because apparently, my 'anxiety' rubbed off on her.
It's only thanks to the good people here that I know about host-mode and I knew the agency boss was talking utter nonsense when she came out with the statement that greeting the carers the 3 mornings they came round cheerfully and showing none of the problems I had raised would be 'unsustainable'. It's scary how they tried to manipulate and shame me into buying more of their time. The proof of the pudding is in the eating though and since I informed them that their services are no longer required, the difference in mum has been pretty amazing. She still has the 'blank stare' spells which are really grim, but they aren't usually quite so bad, unless they have been triggered by over-stimulation the day before or more often caused by worry or frustration.
I've learned just to sit back and enjoy the hostess moments, but brace myself for the aftermath! The worst bit can be telling relatives that they should limit their visits and keep the conversation simple and light...............then wait 2 hours for them to leave after they've told mum all the family woes with knobs on and left her dehydrated and desperate for the loo.....oh and telling me on the way out what a lot of good their visit did