now I have guilt....nothing new there!

[Dottie 1]

so after 5 years of caring form my FIL with VD, we have decided to instigate permanent care for him. He has lived with us since being diagnosed, generally he is quite docile but can be difficult. He has been getting up more in the night and trying to' go to work' and he is having real continence issues. He was in respite last week and the staff told us he was going to the toilet and sitting down but forgetting to take his trousers and pants down. Since his return, I'm having to check him regularly - the washing machine has not been off!

I'm racked with guilt as this week he has not been too bad behaviour wise apart from the incontinence and trying to go to bed constantly from 3pm....but to be honest, I'm fed up looking after him, that's the truth. He is not my dad, but the burden is left to me to care for him as my husband is at work whilst I try to 'work' from home. My youngest age 17 is becoming frustrated at the amount of my time he takes up, I don't think she is being selfish, just fed up with being asked to wait for my attention whilst I re-dress her granddad.

He is not going to be happy but if we don't do this now then either I am going to go mad or get divorced.

Apologies for my grumpiness, I think I have just reached the end of the line.

Dottie x

 

[Noorza]

You have been a saint, you have done more than enough and you are allowed a life that is free from the stresses and strains of dementia on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis.

You have done far more that I would or could do, you have no need for guilt and every right to be grumpy. I wish you well for a speedy search to find a care home for your FIL.

 

[Witzend]

I didn't last as long as 5 years with my FIL, but I was worn out with trying to cope with him, no peace either day or night, the same question over and over and over again, wandering and banging and shouting at night, scary rages, etc. OH was very good with him but he was working long hours and often away, sometimes for a few weeks at a time. And we had two daughters coming up to important exams, with sleep being so often disturbed. So TBH, enough was enough.

I had always been very fond of my FIL, but I will confess that although I did feel bad and guilty when he finally went into his CH, I did not feel dreadfully guilty for a long time. The relief was so colossal. If you have done 5 years, and also had incontinence to deal with, I honestly feel you have nothing to reproach yourself with. We would all wish that we did not have to resort to care homes, but other people's lives are important, too, and particularly if someone is already pretty elderly and has mostly had a pretty good life, I don't see why anyone should feel awful for putting other, younger lives first.

But we do, don't we...

 

[1954]

I think you have really well to last all that time without him going into permanent care. You will feel guilty I am sure but it will ease with time hopefully. Incontinence big time is when I think I will find it hard with MIL. At least it is mostly contained in her pad!

I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure you have too

It is time to be kind to yourself and your family

 

[lin1]

Hi
I agree it's time to be kind to yourself.
How about having respite care with a view to it becoming permanent?
This would give you some breathing space before you have to decide