Not sure what to do

[Geof]

This may seem a small problem to what others are experiencing but not sure what to do for the best.

Leading up to the crisis which led to my wife going into permanent care 8 weeks ago I had to place our Labrador dog, Skye, in foster care because the 'voices' that Anne heard were threatening both his and my safety and at times she became quite frantic about him and he became very protective of her. Once he was gone she seemed to settle and believed him safe.

I brought him back to live with me some weeks ago. He provides the only structure to my days now apart from visiting the CH. Anne is aware that he is back with me and the old fears have resurfaced now no matter how much I try to reassure her.

Last week I visited and she was playing with the Pat Dog which visits the CH with tears streaming down her face and saying how she misses Skye.

She has obviously been mentioning Skye to the CH staff because they are suggesting that I take Skye for a visit but I'm unsure how Anne would react. Would it set her mind at rest or unsettle her and increase her fears?

Is it worth the risk?

Geof

 

[cragmaid]

Seeing Skye away from the home might help. You won't know until you try it. You can always tell Ann that his carer ( the car) is sitting in the car park and will take him away if needed.

 

[pamann]

Hello Geof, A few visitors take their dogs in to see there husbands or wifes in my husbands CH, they seem to be very happy to see them, all you can do is try and see how your wife reacts, if it upsets her then it would be wise not to take Skye again. Several residents have photo's of their dogs, you could try taking one for your wife.
How are you Geof ? has your wife settled in the CH? l do hope you are Ok

 

[Shedrech]

do give it a try Geof
I've seen in dad's care home how the residents react to a dog visitor - eyes light up and though not all want to pet the dog, some clearly enjoy stroking it
of course monitor the situation carefully and remove Skye at any signs of distress from your wife or him and maybe keep the first visit short, with an excuse to leave already worked out
I really do hope she accepts Skye and isn't worried - that would be such a boon to you all
I'm glad he's part of your life again

 

[tigerlady]

I take our dog (a border collie) in to see my husband on nearly every visit. He loves to see her and she loves to see him. I also gave him a life size border collie toy dog when he went into care - its presence seemed to settle him, and the fact that it is sometimes in his room and sometimes elsewhere about the home gives him the sense that the real dog is always around somewhere.

I shut her in my husbands room if its a meal time, or leave her in the secure garden, and then bring her back, so he is used to her coming and going. Also she is a good excuse for when I want to leave, as I say I have to pop out with her for a short walk and I wont be long - he accepts that and his short term memory is so bad that once I've gone he's forgotten I've been.

 

[Geof]

I take our dog (a border collie) in to see my husband on nearly every visit. He loves to see her and she loves to see him. I also gave him a life size border collie toy dog when he went into care - its presence seemed to settle him, and the fact that it is sometimes in his room and sometimes elsewhere about the home gives him the sense that the real dog is always around somewhere.

I shut her in my husbands room if its a meal time, or leave her in the secure garden, and then bring her back, so he is used to her coming and going. Also she is a good excuse for when I want to leave, as I say I have to pop out with her for a short walk and I wont be long - he accepts that and his short term memory is so bad that once I've gone he's forgotten I've been.

Hello tigerlady,

I'm so glad that taking your border collie to visit your husband is such a help to you both. I think that I'll give it a try.

regards Geof

 

[Geof]

do give it a try Geof
I've seen in dad's care home how the residents react to a dog visitor - eyes light up and though not all want to pet the dog, some clearly enjoy stroking it
of course monitor the situation carefully and remove Skye at any signs of distress from your wife or him and maybe keep the first visit short, with an excuse to leave already worked out
I really do hope she accepts Skye and isn't worried - that would be such a boon to you all
I'm glad he's part of your life again

Yes I think that I'll give it a try Shedrech and follow your advice about monitoring the visit.

Thanks, Geof

 

[GrandmaBarb]

I take our dog (a border collie) in to see my husband on nearly every visit. He loves to see her and she loves to see him. I also gave him a life size border collie toy dog when he went into care - its presence seemed to settle him, and the fact that it is sometimes in his room and sometimes elsewhere about the home gives him the sense that the real dog is always around somewhere.

Thank you for this post, tigerlady! My husband is in a care home and is bedridden. He loves our German Shepherd so, so much. I took her to see him one time but it was a chore because she has severe arthritis and needs a ramp to get in and out of the van. I have a ramp but it's heavy. Had to bring carpet runners, too, because she slides on slick floors. After reading your post I ordered a plush, toy German Shepherd puppy for him. It will be here tomorrow. Can't wait to give it to him!

 

[GrandmaBarb]

Geof, before the staff at the care home would allow me to bring our German Shepherd to visit my husband I had to have our vet FAX her shot record to them. They just wanted to make sure she was up to date on all her shots and did not have any diseases that were contagious to other dogs. They have pet therapy at the home where people bring in really sweet dogs for the residents to pet and cuddle. My husband loves it when they bring one into his room. Good luck with your little fellow. Hope all goes well for him and your wife.

 

[Geof]

Hello Geof, A few visitors take their dogs in to see there husbands or wifes in my husbands CH, they seem to be very happy to see them, all you can do is try and see how your wife reacts, if it upsets her then it would be wise not to take Skye again. Several residents have photo's of their dogs, you could try taking one for your wife.
How are you Geof ? has your wife settled in the CH? l do hope you are Ok

Hello again pamann,

Yes, I'll give it a try. As they say 'nothing ventured nothing gained'.
Anne does have photos of our dogs past and present and also of me but I often find that she has hidden them away in a drawer in her room. Whether it is too painful for her to see them or she is frightened that 'they' will take them away I can't work out.

Anne does seem more settled in the CH. She is well looked after and likes the staff but hates 'them' (the voices) that also live there. When she talks it's usually in a very quite whisper in case 'they' overhear and taunt her during the night.

As for me? the best that I can say is that I'm managing most days although that sounds self pitying. I sometimes get to feel that I am on top of things for a few days and then come crashing down again like the last few days. Today I'm wondering why I torture myself by going to visit and then I beat myself up mentally for being so spineless.

I suppose it's the suddenness of it all. Just a few months ago we were pottering along and managing quite well at home and then everything crashed down. All our hopes and dreams shattered and now living apart - just marking time.

Well, enough of this. I'll give myself a kick up the backside and carry on for another day.

Speak soon, Geof

 

[pamann]

Hello Geof, l do understand how you feel, l was so relieved when my husband went into care 10months ago now, but l have come to terms with the way life is now, l do visit 6 days a week for 6hrs, late afternoon and evenings, l do not miss him, because l see him now more than when we were working, we both worked long hours, and were ships in the night.
I do miss the closeness which we once had, after 56yrs together it is a wrench, the thought of him being in care for the rest of his life is upsetting. We have to make the most of the time we have left, l do play bowls serveral times a week, it get me out, there are many bowlers, who have lost their husbands or wifes, do you have any hobbies or clubs that you could go to, you do need some sort of outlet, thinking of you Geof.

 

[tigerlady]

Hello tigerlady,

I'm so glad that taking your border collie to visit your husband is such a help to you both. I think that I'll give it a try.

regards Geof

Hope it works out for you and that taking Skye in doesn't upset her too much. Several residents have relatives that bring dogs in and it does cheer them up, and most of the other residents are also pleased to see the dogs.

 

[tigerlady]

Thank you for this post, tigerlady! My husband is in a care home and is bedridden. He loves our German Shepherd so, so much. I took her to see him one time but it was a chore because she has severe arthritis and needs a ramp to get in and out of the van. I have a ramp but it's heavy. Had to bring carpet runners, too, because she slides on slick floors. After reading your post I ordered a plush, toy German Shepherd puppy for him. It will be here tomorrow. Can't wait to give it to him!

When I took my husbands toy dog, I told him it was for when the real one couldn't be there, but in spite of that he thought it was real, even when the real one was there as well, and often tried to feed it! It has even survived going in the home's washing machines several times! He doesnt take so much notice of it now, but as I said, it is in his room, or sometimes in the lounge, and other soft toy animals and dolls are scattered about, which makes the place more homely.

 

[Casbow]

This may seem a small problem to what others are experiencing but not sure what to do for the best.

Leading up to the crisis which led to my wife going into permanent care 8 weeks ago I had to place our Labrador dog, Skye, in foster care because the 'voices' that Anne heard were threatening both his and my safety and at times she became quite frantic about him and he became very protective of her. Once he was gone she seemed to settle and believed him safe.

I brought him back to live with me some weeks ago. He provides the only structure to my days now apart from visiting the CH. Anne is aware that he is back with me and the old fears have resurfaced now no matter how much I try to reassure her.

Last week I visited and she was playing with the Pat Dog which visits the CH with tears streaming down her face and saying how she misses Skye.

She has obviously been mentioning Skye to the CH staff because they are suggesting that I take Skye for a visit but I'm unsure how Anne would react. Would it set her mind at rest or unsettle her and increase her fears?

Is it worth the risk?

Geof

I would say definitely give it a go. It could go really well and therefore all three of you will benefit. She may be upset when you leave but does she get upset anyway when you leave. If it goes badly then you will at least know you have tried.Good luck.x

 

[Scarlett123]

I don't think any of us can accurately predict if our ideas will be right or wrong, but I'd agree, it's worth a try. You're doing a brilliant job Geof, and you are not spineless, you are a caring husband, that has had his plans, with his beloved wife, smashed to pieces - and you're human. xxx

 

[Shedrech]

morning Geof
oh my - you are so far from being self pitying and spineless - you are facing such unexpected challenges with honesty and kindness; there's real courage on that

 

[Geof]

Well folks I gave it a try today and am so glad that I did. The CH staff were forewarned in case a problem occurred but it went off without a hitch.

Yes there were tears when meeting and leaving but it was worth it just to see her happiness and a smile on her face as they spent time together! It also gave us a topic of conversation and distracted Anne from her fears.

Skye was on his best behaviour and has been invited to go back as often as he wants. We spent our time in the garden as it was such a nice day which was another breakthrough because Anne had become very nervous about going outside.

I kept the meeting to just half an hour, timing it just before his regular tea time, which worked well because I could see that Anne was tiring and so had an excuse to leave.

I hope to take him with me regularly because he is welcome in the lounges as well as her room and the garden.

Thank you all for your advice, it has really worked out well.

regards, Geof

 

[Scarlett123]

So glad it all worked out well for you all.

 

[pamann]

Well done Geof so pleased you had a good visit. ☺

 

[GrandmaBarb]

Am so happy for the three of you, Geof! Wish I could take my husband outside to the garden at the care home to visit with our dog but he is bedbound. When our dog visited him in his room he enjoyed it as long as she was in his line of sight. Once she settled on the floor, out of his sight, he forgot she was there.

Tigerlady, my husband loves the little plush puppy I got him! He seems to think she is real at times. He holds her, talks to her just as he once did to our dog, tells her he loves her and that she's the best dog in the world. I tried to attach a photo of him with his new "Liddy" puppy, but could not figure out how to do it.