Not looking forward to the weekend...

[babystar]

Mum's moving in to the care home this weekend and for our own peace of mind we told her about it on Saturday just gone. She has very minimal communication skills but we sat her down and I explained what was going to have to happen. She got upset and cried but was fine a little later, probably having forgotten.

Yesterday I took her for a proper look round the home. She'd been before but only as far as the office where we sat for her assessment. I don't know the extent of what she does and doesn't remember as she can't tell you but wanted to at least give a chance of her recognising the place when we go at the weekend. She was fine when I picked her up and said we were going to have a look round, even fine when we rang the bell at the front door. Then it was just crying, crying, crying. All the way round her face just crumpled, and when she saw her new room, and when we sat in the lounge for a cup of tea. So not looking forward to having to leave her there

 

[Emomam]

My mum went into a care home Monday. We made it a complete adventure.

Concentrate on the positives more people to talk to, more people like her so she won't feel different anymore, more things to do. Lots of fun with other people.

It's not a negative thing in my view but last week I was where you are now. See my thread 'I don't know if I'm doing the right thing'. Mum is so happy at the home.

I know it's not always the case but you have to give it a go. Take a deep breath and don't let her see your upset.




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[angecmc]

Hi Babystar, its not a nice feeling for you, but hopefully the care home staff will help you with Mum if she becomes upset. You will possibly find that she is fine once you are gone and will be ok, its a bit like when you first start leaving your children at playgroup or nursery, they kick up merry hell while you are there but soon settle once you go. Always have a reason for why you have to go, I usually say I am going to work or the doctors and never say see you tomorrow, I always say see you later, little white lies do help and sometimes are necessary. Good luck xx

Ange

 

[flossielime]

Dad always wants to be somewhere else

q

 

[flossielime]

I dreaded taking my dad to a care home and feared he would be furious. He actually took it loads better than I thought. I still felt guilty but dad was ok at first. He is a did agitated now 5 days in but probably no more agitated than he is at home.

Good luck at the weekend it might not be as bad as think it will be.

 

[babystar]

I have been following similar threads and it was good to read positive experiences.

I think what is making it hard is that Mum can't communicate. So I can explain but I don't know if she understands, and she if she does or doesn't she can't verbally say anything. All she says the majority of time to any question is "yeah". Sometimes she'll come out with other bits and pieces but it is really minimal. She obviously understands as she's getting upset. Understandable as she is moving out of her home that she was in for over 50 years, and the town where she's lived practically her whole life. So I can only try and reassure her about the positive things. Sometimes I am grateful that her symptoms are so far removed from the expected behaviour of advanced Alzheimer's, and other times I wish she would be more vocal, even if it was nonsense.

The staff were very nice when we looked around. Telling Mum she would be okay, they would look after her, giving her a cuddle, talking about the activities they all do etc.

Not that I have children, but the analogy of their first day at school is a good one. I envisage sneaking out whilst she's getting involved with something. Then the next thing will be when to go back - go back to show she's not been deserted or stay away to give her time to settle so she's not relying on us too much. But will judge that as and when.

 

[Jess26]

As you say only you can judge when to visit for first time. I was advised to leave it at least a week and I'm sure I've read others were told the same.

You may be surprised (I hope so) how easily she settles. I was with my mum.

 

[Annebags]

Babystar, it is not easy. Sending you strength. I agree with being like Polyanna and be stressing all the positives. I find it easiest (only 8 weeks in!) to visit an hour before a meal or so. You then have a natural "excuse" to leave.

Incidentally mum has days when she hates it and wants to leave. Other days when she seems to think she has lived there all her life. Mum is not a social animal and has never joined in things, yet she does there. I was amazed. I am not saying it or the home is perfect but on the whole, mum's quality of life (and mine!) has improved.

 

[babystar]

So the weekend has passed and Mum is now in the home.

My sister and her husband took Mum out whilst my husband, brother, and I packed up the things we were taking and took them to the home to sort her room out. We were hoping to put things together on the Friday but as Mum was there we could only list things to take as packing them up would've upset her.

It all took a lot longer than I thought, the time flew by. My sister brought Mum in just as I was making the finishing touches. One of the staff sat and went through more paperwork. Then they brought down soup, sandwiches, cake, tea and a banana -- despite already having a McDonalds Mum polished off everything except the sandwiches.

It was hard when it came to leaving as I knew it would be. Mum was getting upset on and off the time we were with her, but due to the deterioration in the emotional side of her brain she has been like this for a few weeks anyway. Left her sat in one of the little lounges and she was just crying and reaching out to us... heartbreaking. One of the worst parts was when we had to take her engagement and wedding ring off her as they said if she is inclined to take them on/off, which she is, there's no way they'd know who plain rings would belong to.

We asked advice about visiting and they suggested if we go regular days to stick to those but shorter visits. My sister went Monday and she was sat with another two ladies that the staff said she was making friends with. They all played bingo. I went yesterday but decided to take her back to mine for tea as normal. I thought it would be good for her to get out and assure her she would still be coming over as normal. When I picked her up she was sat with the same two ladies which I guess is good, although she didn't have her glasses on... She was upset on and off at mine and obviously when it came to going back. We went to her room, then out again. I never know where to leave her, as don't want to leave her alone. She got upset again and a member of staff asked if she wanted to sit in one of the little lounges with her whilst she did her paperwork, and she said yes. The staff went to get her a cup of tea and I had to leave her crying again

Is it always going to be so hard?

 

[Chook]

So the weekend has passed and Mum is now in the home.

My sister and her husband took Mum out whilst my husband, brother, and I packed up the things we were taking and took them to the home to sort her room out. We were hoping to put things together on the Friday but as Mum was there we could only list things to take as packing them up would've upset her.
..........

Is it always going to be so hard?

I've just left mum for the first time. Ouch my heart. Poor mum, she relies on me and I've just abandoned her.

It will get easier. It took mum a good 3 months to get used to her new flat and that was before her dementia was this bad. And just think how long it takes us to settle down in a new home or new job. They need time for things to become normal.

I think I'm not going to take mum out for at least a few weeks because I think it will just add to the confusion.

It's nice to know someone else is going through the same thing. Feel free to private message me if you need someone to talk to.

Chook
x

 

[Chook]

Hi Babystar, its not a nice feeling for you, but hopefully the care home staff will help you with Mum if she becomes upset. You will possibly find that she is fine once you are gone and will be ok, its a bit like when you first start leaving your children at playgroup or nursery, they kick up merry hell while you are there but soon settle once you go. Always have a reason for why you have to go, I usually say I am going to work or the doctors and never say see you tomorrow, I always say see you later, little white lies do help and sometimes are necessary. Good luck xx

Ange

Just out of interest why should you never say See you tomorrow? I always say this because I think it reassures mum that I'll be back. Am I doing the wrong thing?

 

[RedLou]

I've just left mum for the first time. Ouch my heart. Poor mum, she relies on me and I've just abandoned her.
Chook
x

You have not abandoned her. You are - clearly - a brilliant child, who will never abandon her.

 

[Chook]

You have not abandoned her. You are - clearly - a brilliant child, who will never abandon her.

Thank you Redlou, your words made me cry and made me realise how much I'd been beating myself up. Woke up feeling very tearful (not helped by being kept up all night by my son) and I'm dreading going to see mum today. Dreading another emotional goodbye.

Sorry, I've taken over someone elses thread!

Chook x

 

[babystar]

It's not taking over - sounds like we're both in the same boat!

I wasn't going to take Mum out, but then thought maybe I would because then she'd be reassured that our routine would stay the same. Then after I'd dropped her off I wondered if I should have done it after all. I think it was a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. Made harder as I don't know what she's thinking, or what she remembers. I just wanted to get her out of there really. Not that it's horrible, but just a change of scenery for a few hours. Obviously the worst part is having to leave her each time...

I have been saying "see you soon" or "see you later" so not specifying a particular day or time. Again I have no idea how much notice she pays to wording anyway!

I was pretty positive before she moved, and agreed it was the right thing to do, which I still believe. I am trying to remind myself of the positives to counteract the whole guilt thing. My recent one is that now she is in the home I don't have to worry about her being cold in her home because she's turned the boiler off again, or she's decided to disrobe, or wander outside.

 

[pippop1]

Re the rings, can you buy something similar but in sterling silver or plated gold with fake diamonds? Lots of jewellery shops sell these and they look pretty good.

If they get lost then it's not as bad.

QVC UK do lots of lovely rings that are good quality and look very real. Maybe it could be part of your Christmas present to her? You could pretend that you've had her old ones professionally cleaned and as there's been a break she might not notice

 

[Chook]

It's not taking over - sounds like we're both in the same boat!

I wasn't going to take Mum out, but then thought maybe I would because then she'd be reassured that our routine would stay the same. Then after I'd dropped her off I wondered if I should have done it after all. I think it was a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. Made harder as I don't know what she's thinking, or what she remembers. I just wanted to get her out of there really. Not that it's horrible, but just a change of scenery for a few hours. Obviously the worst part is having to leave her each time...

I have been saying "see you soon" or "see you later" so not specifying a particular day or time. Again I have no idea how much notice she pays to wording anyway!

I was pretty positive before she moved, and agreed it was the right thing to do, which I still believe. I am trying to remind myself of the positives to counteract the whole guilt thing. My recent one is that now she is in the home I don't have to worry about her being cold in her home because she's turned the boiler off again, or she's decided to disrobe, or wander outside.

I hope you don't think I was criticising you for taking your mum out, everyone's different. I knew it would confuse my mum because when she first moved into her flat it would really confuse her to bring her to my house. She thought she was staying and would constantly look for her things.

I've just been to see mum this morning and she was so happy to see me. We went up to her room, I got her tv working and we watched a bit of a dvd together. Then we went down to the conservatory because I knew lunch was coming and then I did a runner whilst lunch came out. She was a bit agitated but no where near as bad as last night.

Oh and I said "see you later" and she demanded to know when, so I ended up saying see you tomorrow anyway! Ha ha!

Hugs to a fellow care home newbie x

 

[babystar]

Re the rings, can you buy something similar but in sterling silver or plated gold with fake diamonds? Lots of jewellery shops sell these and they look pretty good.

If they get lost then it's not as bad.

QVC UK do lots of lovely rings that are good quality and look very real. Maybe it could be part of your Christmas present to her? You could pretend that you've had her old ones professionally cleaned and as there's been a break she might not notice

That's a good idea, and would solve the problem of what to get her for Christmas as well! I'll look into it. It wasn't a nice feeling taking them off her so it would be good to give her something back.

And don't worry Chook, I didn't think you were criticising! Everyone is different, and it's hard to know what to do for the best. What's good for one doesn't necessarily suit another. My Mum has such limited verbal now I can't even judge by things she says. It makes it so difficult to know what to do for the best doesn't it?

 

[angecmc]

Just out of interest why should you never say See you tomorrow? I always say this because I think it reassures mum that I'll be back. Am I doing the wrong thing?

Hi, the reason I never say see you tomorrow is that it makes Mum upset when I leave, I usually say something like I am going to work/doctors now and will see you later. Mum seems to accept this as she thinks I will be back shortly, the staff say once I am gone, she doesn't remember that I have been, but at least I don't have the struggle as I am leaving her. X

Ange

 

[babystar]

Mum seems to be getting on ok. Whenever I speak to staff they say how lovely she is and how she's always smiling.

Apart, it seems, from when I come to pick her up! She cried on and off for about half the time we were together yesterday. Then when I dropped her back I was looking at something in her room, turned around, and she'd gone. Found her in the lounge with staff and others. Went and said goodbye and no tears. Then got stuck waiting for people with frames to pass one another, and she walked over to me and held my hand and then started crying. If only I'd got out!

So two questions:

When Mum keeps crying (and there is no apparent trigger) should I ignore it? Or acknowledge it and comfort her? Or change the subject??

And when Mum disappeared on me and was already in the lounge, would it have been a better idea to just leave without saying goodbye?

 

[angecmc]

Mum seems to be getting on ok. Whenever I speak to staff they say how lovely she is and how she's always smiling.

Apart, it seems, from when I come to pick her up! She cried on and off for about half the time we were together yesterday. Then when I dropped her back I was looking at something in her room, turned around, and she'd gone. Found her in the lounge with staff and others. Went and said goodbye and no tears. Then got stuck waiting for people with frames to pass one another, and she walked over to me and held my hand and then started crying. If only I'd got out!

So two questions:

When Mum keeps crying (and there is no apparent trigger) should I ignore it? Or acknowledge it and comfort her? Or change the subject??

And when Mum disappeared on me and was already in the lounge, would it have been a better idea to just leave without saying goodbye?

Hi, I tend to try and distract Mum when she is tearful, though not easily done and yes to your second question, I would just leave xx

Ange