Not happy in care

[Dustycat]

Hi. I feel I have hit rock bottom again. Dad went willingly into care 3 weeks ago. Found a lovely place. Brand new. All mid cons etc. Felt elated for him and for my husband and I at the prospect of having a bit of a life. Today Dad announces he's not happy. Struggling to understand why but I feel in bits. I moved him into care before crisis point for his best interests. Husband says there is no alternative but I now feel terrible but I know we can't go back to him being at home. It was destroying our relationship. Hopefully it's still just early days. Xx

 

[Jessbow]

Its early days, very early days. There will be plenty going on to distract/occupy him in the run up to Christmas, try not to worry too much.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Not being happy in care the first month or two is completely normal. I'm always surprised when I hear of someone who adored going into care.

I know you are probably feeling very guilty but hang tough and your dad will settle in. You also need to settle in yourself - not just your dad. It can be very hard to giving up caring at home.

 

[Claire]

3 weeks is really not very long for anyone to settle and perhaps the question is - would he be truly happier anywhere else? Not to mention would he be safer? You are bound to have wobbles, but if you feel that the home is a good place for him in general I would stick with it for a while at least. So many people with dementia state they are not happy/want to go home etc, but they are unable to say why they are unhappy or where home is. Sadly the condition takes so much from sufferers which, in many cases, includes the ability to live independently. You made your decision with your dad's best interests at heart. Don't let the guilt monster sit on your shoulder - we would all want to live an independent life for as long as possible but at what cost?

 

[Witzend]

I agree that it's still very early days. Please, hang in there and do not despair, though I do know how hard it is. My mother took a long time to settle and every visit was very difficult for quite a while.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I agree with the other posters, much as I would have loved Dad to have settled quickly into the care home, it took 2 months of pacing, walking continuously, not eating or drinking very well, losing weight, wanting to leave with me each visit, saying he was unhappy, having tears etc etc. But gradually it got better and 5 months on he has a certain degree of acceptance. I haven't been able to take him out like many others do as I don't want to undo the hard work of us all getting him to this stage, would worry that I'm dangling a 'see what you are missing' carrot and that would be cruel plus worry that I wouldn't get him back in. He has daily access to a secure lovely garden and can see the traffic and people going by so does have some sight of the outside world. He does still ask to go and told me he was unhappy but as others have said I don't believe now. he can make sense of why or what he is feeling that is making him unhappy. I have always been very envious of the posters who say their relative took to care straight away and were happy, for us it has been a hard few months but I can honestly say that it has got easier I visit every other day but still can't directly say I am going as I don't want it to be a trigger for upsetting Dad - so I'm going to get dinner ready, wash up, put the rubbish out - anything that I think he will accept. Within minutes of me going, Dad has forgotten I was there which now is a blessing and helps me with the guilt that like everyone who has posted, always seems to be there and probably always will be.

 

[Witzend]

I agree with the other posters, much as I would have loved Dad to have settled quickly into the care home, it took 2 months of pacing, walking continuously, not eating or drinking very well, losing weight, wanting to leave with me each visit, saying he was unhappy, having tears etc etc. But gradually it got better and 5 months on he has a certain degree of acceptance. I haven't been able to take him out like many others do as I don't want to undo the hard work of us all getting him to this stage, would worry that I'm dangling a 'see what you are missing' carrot and that would be cruel plus worry that I wouldn't get him back in. He has daily access to a secure lovely garden and can see the traffic and people going by so does have some sight of the outside world. He does still ask to go and told me he was unhappy but as others have said I don't believe now. he can make sense of why or what he is feeling that is making him unhappy. I have always been very envious of the posters who say their relative took to care straight away and were happy, for us it has been a hard few months but I can honestly say that it has got easier I visit every other day but still can't directly say I am going as I don't want it to be a trigger for upsetting Dad - so I'm going to get dinner ready, wash up, put the rubbish out - anything that I think he will accept. Within minutes of me going, Dad has forgotten I was there which now is a blessing and helps me with the guilt that like everyone who has posted, always seems to be there and probably always will be.

I was the same - never really leaving, just nipping to the shops or dry cleaner's before they closed (no matter what time it was since she had no idea) or off to pick up my car from its MOT - endless fibs. But she would forget within a minute that I had been at all. I once came back after a couple of minutes, having left a cardi or something, and she had no idea I'd only just left.

 

[flossielime]

Just wanted to send you ((((((((hugs)))))))))). I am going through similar and finding it really hard. I hope it gets better XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

[Emomam]

Mum went into a care home last Monday and I have to say she loves it. She was/is a social person and loves joining in with all the activities. We have only had tears once because she was happy and she has been bored one day on Sunday because no activities.

I think she has settled because she had already put herself in a home in her mind sometime ago.

I feel lost though but I'll tough it out and we will both be fine.

Keep strong.

I have made myself not visit today and tonight I could cry. I know she is fine and I don't need to visit everyday but it's had when you've spent everyday for the past 4+ years with someone.


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[Insomniac]

I'm 5 weeks on from mum going in and it's been awful. Not eating, sitting at the door, ranting at me and claiming she has been locked up and incarcerated. Constant complaints that no one looks after her, she's ignored etc which I don't believe. Thought we were making a little progress last week but she got a bug and we seem to be back to square one. My aunts have also been on the phone constantly saying she's in a terrible place - they haven't seen it - and I should move her somewhere 'of a better standard'. I know its early days , but with Christmas on the horizon and the pressure of trying to clear her house to sell to pay the fees I feel like I'm sinking. I'm starting to avoid seeing her and speaking to her cos I feel physically ill doing so. I desperately want to believe this is going to get better but I can't stop crying and am finding it difficult to function properly.

It's such a horrible situation we are all in but from reading what everyone else has been going thru it sounds like the norm and will improve. Guess we just have to ride the storm !


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[Dustycat]

Thank you all for your comments. I feel a bit better now. Have also spent the evening on the telephone to family members catching up and they have all told me not to worry and I've done the right thing. Dad has been a bit under the weather today so that may be part of it. I also think he misses being out and about as my husband and I used to keep him entertained. There is loads going on in the run up to Christmas so hopefully he will settle down. It's good to know I am not alone in my anguish. Xx