Not feeling such a brightspark today

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by brightspark, May 12, 2007.

  1. brightspark

    brightspark Registered User

    Apr 23, 2006
    9
    nottingham
    Hi all
    I haven't been on for ages, never seem to have time. I have been having lots of bad days with myself lately. My hubby Charles has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, doctor reckons on the border of early to mid stage, but he does not accept that there is anything wrong with him. I have been trying to get him to do an enduring power of attorney, but he won't. Also he hasn't made a will yet (he is 71) and I have tried various approaches to try and get him to make one but he just gets angry with me and will not discuss it at all.

    I am so tired of the incessant repeated questions day in day out and I don't know how much more I can take. Thankfully I am still working, which is my sanity, but I dread going home every day. We should be seeing the doctor again soon to see if he can go on tablets but she is not hopeful of that because she says they can affect the stomach and he already has tablets for his arthritis which affect his stomach and he is on another tablet to help protect his stomach, so you see it doesn't sound too hopeful.

    Some days I just feel so helpless and so down and I know that its not going to get any better.
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    I am so sorry that things are not going well for you at the moment.

    Cannot offer any advice re POA or wills, it seems to be a road many of our members have gone down.

    Today I am more concerned with you. O.K. so you work, and that helps, but try to make a little calming 'me' time if it's possible. Nice soothing bath with some scented candles, or give yourself a manicure/pedicure. You obviously need a little bit of TLC to get you through this very trying stage. Take care of yourself, love
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,866
    Kent
    Oh am I at One with you.

    I honestly don`t know how you manage to work and care at the same time. I understand work gets you away from the house, gives you a change of scene, and different people to talk to, but where do you get the energy from.

    How does your husband cope at home by himself? Does he go to any day care centres? I imagine he doesn`t if he is stubborn, like mine, and gets angry quickly, like mine.

    The questions are draining, aren`t they.

    Well I`ve had a dreadful day today, but have been helped so much by TP. I have more time than you as I`m retired, but there is so much support here for you, if you can make some time.

    I hope you get some results at the doctors. Make sure you write it all down, so you don`t forget.

    Take care,
     
  4. brightspark

    brightspark Registered User

    Apr 23, 2006
    9
    nottingham
    You're right Connie I do need a bit of TLC but there is so much to do at home. My husband does nothing anymore and hasn't for a long time and the house is such a state. We are hopefully having central heating installed this summer, something I have been begging for for years and there is so much to do to get the house sorted. So much has been collected over the years that needs sorting. You may ask why I let it get to such a state. Well 3 years ago I took a decision to do something for myself and took on a foundation degree, as well as work and home and a teenage daughter!!! I graduated in January this year but so much has been left undone in the house I am now wondering if it was worth it.
     
  5. brightspark

    brightspark Registered User

    Apr 23, 2006
    9
    nottingham
    Grannie G
    I only work on the same road as our house, I work at the school down the road and if there is a problem my husband usually rings the school. Thankfully they are very good and I am able to ring him and sort things out. It doeasn't happen too often. My main worry is that he doesn't always eat when I am not there but at least I can make sure he has a good meal in the evening.

    Maybe I should feel guilty about leaving him on his own but I'm afraid I don't.
     
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Well done you......of course it was worth it. You are a person with as many rights as the next. Sounds to me as if you have been doing a wonderful job. Looking after your husband, working running a home, and bringing up a daughter.

    Did someone mention 'superwoman'? Seriously, you must be overtired, overworked, and that leads to negative thoughts. Hope things look up for all of you soon.
     
  7. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Is there no way you could download the EPA and fill it in and get him to sign it on pretext of something else

    Vascular Dementia is difficult I know ......been there with my Mother but after a blazing row one day over unpaid bills etc I asked her to sign a form to allow sale of shares because of a takeover and she signed like a lamb ...........yet i know she had no clue what she was signing

    Its the wild swinging from one state to another and the intense denial of anything being wrong plus the claim that everyone else in the world is mad that gets you

    If the house is not Tenants in Common you need to sort that too or their will be a heavy IHT burden or a social services claim

    You need to find a really good solicitor or Citizens Advice to help you get things in order to protect your future too
     
  8. brightspark

    brightspark Registered User

    Apr 23, 2006
    9
    nottingham
    Helena

    I know only too well that I need to sort all this stuff out. I did go to see a solicitor for advice and to find out how I stood as the house is not in joint names, only his, he was very informative and gave me all the information about what would happen if my husband died intestate. (The solicitor I saw was one my daughter knows in Huddersfield, she came with me, I live in Nottingham0. He advised me to get my husband to a solicitor and to get wills made and while there sort out EPA as well but of course I have been unable to get him to even talk about it so I am stuck.

    I was not aware that there could be any claim on the house by SS. Surely they would not see me homeless!!!!! Anyway I belive I am a long way off from that yet so I still have lots of time to work on him. I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable getting him to sign something that he didn't know he was signing, but I can undestand why you suggest it
     
  9. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Brightspark

    If you enjoyed doing it, it was worth it. The house will get sorted someday.

    Could you persuade your husband to get P.O.A. and wills sorted, if you said you were both doing it, together?

    This was the way I persuaded Mum, (not so much, Dad, because he will do anything asked of him) I said hubby and I were making wills and P.O.A. s and it was a sensible thing to do. We all went to the solicitors. My husband and self already had wills, but not P.O.A.s. still haven't got them. It was enough for one day that Mum and Dad signed.

    I told a white lie to achieve an objective, without the trauma and agitation. Infact I think Mum quite enjoyed her day out, we went for a meal afterwards and she immediately forgot about the solicitor.

    Hope you can get things sorted
    Alfjess
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,866
    Kent
    Dear Helena

    I wouldn`t reccommend anyone to sign any document on a pretext. That would be rendered nul and void the minute it was signed.

    I know we do bend the rules in certain situations, but I really think the line must be drawn here.

    Take care
     
  11. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Brightspark, you mention the tablets, my husband was on tablets for rheumatoid arthritis plus a tablet to stop his stomach being upset as he had had ulcers in the past which bled and he had to be rushed into hospital but he was still given Exelon. He was on 28 tablets a day for a while and then down to 21 a day.

    Sue
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,866
    Kent
    Hi Brightspark,

    My husband and I have mutually beneficial wills. Admitedly they were drawn up before my husband was diagnosed with AD, but we are now in the process of getting Mutual POAs.

    He was resistant to POAs until it was suggested we could have them for each other.

    Do you think your husband would accept it, if it were suggested.

    Well done on getting your degree.
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi brightspark

    Your post does worry me a bit. I really don't think you have that much time. Anything legal, i. e. wills, EPAs, house transfer of ownership, have to be done while your husband is capable of understanding what he is signing, otherwise they are not valid.

    Regarding the house, they would not see you homeless, but if it were still solely in your husband's name the value of it would be counted as his assets, and you would have to pay his nursing home fees should this become necessary. Could you afford to do this without selling the house? If it were transferred to tenants in common, only half the value would be counted.

    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to frighten you, but honestly, the sooner all these things are sorted out the better.

    Good luck,
     
  14. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Actually Hazel I'm not sure you're completely correct about that. When you're talking about the marital home, it is disregarded for the purposes of the means test provided it is being occupied by a spouse. It makes no difference whose name the house is in. The potential problem is if at some point that spouse decided the property needed to be sold. We'd have to ask Sue38, but I believe that even then, the LA would only be able to access 50% of the value, no matter whose name it was in. I am certain there are protections for spouses who live and have lived in a house even if their names aren't on the deeds, in the same way as there would be if there was a divorce.
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Thanks Jennifer. I'm sure you're right. I think my brain has gone to sleep, and perhaps I should follow it!:eek:
     
  16. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,854
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Jennifer,

    Do you want a job?:D
    Sorry just catching up. Still got mystery virus and going out on Friday night and not getting home until 3 p.m. Saturday did not help.:eek:

    Yes you are right the house would not be taken into account as an asset if occupied by a spouse. The non-owning spouse house would not be able to sell the property unless the owning spouse had given them POA, or was still mentally capable of giving instructions to sell the house, but this would be the same if the house was in joint names. Do you mean that if the house was sold the LA would then be able to say that the proceeds were relevant assets and could not be used to purchase another property? Yes I think that's right but if the house was in joint names and was sold the LA could claim half the proceeds. I'm not 100% sure on this one and will check it out on Monday. A spouse can register their right to live in the house under the Matrimonial Homes Act (this is a straightforward procedure) but I do not think absolutely necessary as far as LA concerned.

    Hi Brightspark,

    As you know you do need to get things sorted as soon as possible. If you cannot get your husband to agree to sign an EPA this is not the end of the world. You can make an application to the Court of Protection to be appointed as a receiver when the time comes, although this is a longer and more complicated procedure.

    I am more concerned about the fact that you and your husband have not made wills. As the solicitor probably told you, in England if someone dies intestate a spouse does not necessarily inherit the whole estate. For example if the deceased had children, the surviving spouse inherits personal belongings, £125,000 and a life interest in half of the rest of the estate. With the rise in house prices this may not be enough for the spouse to automatically keep the house. (Note that if the house is in joint names as joint tenants NOT tenants in common then the surviving spouse takes the deceased spouse's share under the right of survivorship and is still entitled to the personal belongings, £125,000 and life interest in half the rest). Could you persuade your husband to consider making a will to make sure you are protected if anything should happen to him?

    Hi Helena,

    You said something about the house being in joint names as tenants in common to avoid IHT burden. Yes you are right that putting the house in joint names as tenants in common can be useful for avoiding IHT on the death of the second spouse, but remember that there is no IHT on gifts between husband and wife whether there is a will or not.

    Sue
     

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