Not a normal Christmas day!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grandaughter 1, Dec 25, 2006.

  1. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    141
    Hampshire
    Hello all. hope you are managing to have a peaceful christmas.

    Last time I posted about my Grandad I believe it was to ask your advice about the fact that he refused point blank to go to day care or respite and the strain my Nan was under!

    Well these last few weeks have been a struggle. Grandad has had numerous falls at home - ambulances being called out approx 3 times a week! Last week he cut his head which then needed gluing, then on Thursday night he fell in the bathroom and had to go to hospital for stiches. He lost approx a pint of blood and the god damn stupid doctors stiched him up and we had to carry him home more or less (took 3 of us to get him in and out the car!)

    Needless to say the next day the Social worker and GP took one look at Grandad and gave him an emergency admission to a nursing home.

    Me, Mum and Nan went to see him today and I thought a photo of my 2 girls (his great-grandchildren) would be nice for him to have in his room - BIG MISTAKE! He took one look at the picture and broke down sobbing like a baby, it was heartbreaking. My Nan broke down too as in the 55 years she has been married Nan has never seen Grandad cry. We asked him if he was able to tell us what was wrong and he said no.

    What on earth can you do? It broke my heart to leave him there but he just isn't safe at home any more. My Nan is racked with immense guilt and I feel lousy for giving him the blimin photo!

    This is such an evil evil illness and I feel such sadness for him. I'm just so anxious about visiting again as I don't want to upset him again and go through the emotional trauma.

    The nurses are lovely but they can't make him better or take him home.

    Much love to you all and your families
    Louise x
     
  2. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi louise

    so sorry about your grandad it isjust so heartbraking this illness and its a comfort that people on here do understand. You are bound to be upset about the picture you gave but it was a nice gesture. No one will ever know what goes through a loved ones mind with this illness but all i can say is show your love do what you feel in your heart. take care

    kathyx
     
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi louise

    Louise.........please don't feel so bad about the photo..........it might not have been that which made your grandad cry............sometimes they cry for other reasons and just can't tell us why, because they sometimes don't understand themselves.

    When you said
    i remember writing the same words in a post some 6 months or so ago and yes it does break your heart .........but i can't tell you how to cope with it, i can only tell you how i coped, in the hope that it might help..........in my case, i knew that no matter how much i was hurting........and i was hurting like hell.......i knew he had to come first and my hurt came way down the line to that.......i was determined to make sure that no matter what, he had the medical care he needed, he was safe and well cared for, but above all he knew how much he was loved and needed............it bacame more of a maternal protection for a sick child.........and god help anyone who might have crossed my path!
    I'm not saying do the same, i'm just saying that i think your grandad needs your love and support, so don't be anxious about visiting...........and no.... the nurses can't make him better, but i'm sure he'll feel better knowing he has his loving family around him.

    I hope your next visit goes well, but if it doesn't, stay strong and determined....it will help you through it and i'm sure it will help your grandad too.

    Love Alex x
     
  4. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    141
    Hampshire
    Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated especially from people who have "been there" and know what we're going through.

    We are just so out of our depth here. The nurse's say he is fine when we phone and it just seems to make Grandad worse when we visit. The last thing I want is to make Grandad stressed; and to see him sobbing was heart-breaking.

    He seems to think that when I go he is going home as I have a car, yet he is fine with my Mum. He can communicate perfecly well that he doesn't want to be there but what can you do? He is in the nursing home for 6 weeks to rehabilitate cos of his fall, with a view to it being permanent.

    I am so torn with wanting to visit him at every opportunity and staying away as I know how emotional the visits are.

    Oh to see him smile again.

    x
     
  5. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Louise

    I know its heartbreaking honey..............but don't let that stop you visiting..........the more you visit, the easier it gets for both of you..........but yes it will hurt at times..............and yes, you will see him smile again, and when you do, you'll cherish the memory of it.

    Best wishes
    Love Alex x
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Hi Louise, I`m so sorry about your Grandad. It`s one of the most difficult things in the world to see this level of unhappiness and feel responsible for causing it. Your grandad probably broke down because, somewhere deep inside, he realizes his health is deteriorating and feels vulnerable and frightened.
    Keep visiting. If you can, try to see him before he sees you. That will help you to know whether or not he`s upset all the time. He`s bound to be upset when he sees you, but that doesn`t mean he would prefer not to see you.
    However upset and unhappy he is, at least he is being assessed, and your Nan is having some of the tremendous responsibility taken off her shoulders for a time. Common sense tells you he can`t be allowed to keep falling the way he was.
    I hope they find out whether he can be stabilized and that you all get the strength to cope.
    Love Sylvia x
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #7 Margarita, Dec 26, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2006
    What lovely word from Alex and of cause every one else, I can’t really say any words of comfort, because I have not been , where you are now in seeing my mother father showing so much emotions.

    I know when I cry my children do not like to see me like that , but oh how I wish I could cry in there arms without them feeling so hurt seeing me like that. Maybe you had a close relationship with him when you where younger and he feel he can realise all his tension of suppress emotion with you. We all need a shoulder to cry on, maybe he feels you are that shoulder . emotions cannot kill you so I say. What can’t kill you only make you stronger ,( you may not see it like that ) that's only my perception of it xx ((((hugs )))
     
  8. Lonestray

    Lonestray Registered User

    Aug 3, 2006
    236
    Hereford
    Crying

    Hi Grandaughter, I have five grandaughters and three great grandaughters. I find it interesting how some grandchildren care enough to visit their grandparents and others don't. I'm speaking from experience the same as your situation, when my wife had a fall and broke her arm I was lacking in support all round and advised to place her in a NH. I visited her daily and came to understand her reactions to different people. The reaction is the very same to-day namely appearing to be upset i.e. over emotional some times crying. Like a child she could sense when someone really cared. It is an overwhelming feeling of want, joy which only a hug and reassurance can ease.
    I take my wife to the supermarket twice a week, when she see one of the staff she appears about to cry,that girl always puts her arm around her and chats with her. Though my wife can't talk she picks up vibes the same as children.
    At the NH there was one of the staff who use to put on an act, come breezing into the room "Hello Jennie how are we to day?" I could see Jean was not fooled
    when I asked "You don't like her, do you?" She agreed by vigorously shaking her head. While another younger member of staff would talk and stroke Jean's hand, she would well up with emotion. The first time it happened: "I'm sorry did I hurt you?" I had to tell the girl, it's OK she likes you. How often I've had to explain that.
    Try talking to Grandad about the old days and show him lots of affection.
    Think on this, I was feeding Jean a chocolate coated toffee biscuit the other evening. She was taking some time chewing on it, so I pretended to take a bite of the rest, she started to pull a pet lip (N East expression) like a child I couldn't stop laughing as I tried to tell her I was joking.
    Sorry to go on but I do know what it's like to be abandoned and alone in the world.
    Good luck and keep loving, God bless. Padraig
     
  9. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    141
    Hampshire
    That's what upsets me the most, the fact that my Grandad may be feeling abandoned and alone. I just hope deep down in his head somewhere he is not feeling hurt about the decisions we've had to make on his behalf.

    It's so hard trying to place myself in his shoes as a "well person". If I got put in a home I would feel so isolated, but I keep telling myself that of course he is not well and just hope that the days do not pass slowly for him and he is comfortable and not lonely.

    On a purely selfish note, I can't get the picture out of my head of Grandad sobbing and I had an awful dream last night where he died and I just couldn't get the happy smiling Grandad in my head, just the sobbing one.

    I must confess to being a total coward about visiting him again. No-one went today as we couldn't face it. My Nan is going to visit daily from tomorrow as we are hoping that if she makes regular visits at set times Grandad may get used to a routine and start accepting that this is his new home now.

    Here's hoping anyway.

    Fondest thoughts to you all

    Louise x
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london

    Oh bless don’t keep doing that as all your do is torment yourself more , no wonder your having those nightmare on the positive side, nightmare provide a release for the psyche as they can bring us valuable insight into what is causing the most stress in our lives.

    Yourself and your family know what best for your granfather , go with that and all will fall into place .

     
  11. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Louise,

    I was sorry to read about your Grandad's emergency admission to the nursing home, but I have to say that from your description of your Nan from a couple of months ago (I remember you mentioning she was finding things very difficult), this has to be the best option. Your situation with your Nan and Grandad reminds me of how it was with my parents when Dad went into a Home over two years ago.
    This is just how it was with my Mum and Dad. Mum visited every afternoon for around eighteen months, although she has now reduced it to once every other day. Dad's reactions prove to me that somewhere deep down he knows who Mum is and I'm pretty sure this is due partly to those regular visits.

    When Mum first started visiting, and she was about to leave, she had to tell Dad that she was going shopping otherwise he would try to follow her. Nowadays she does not have to say anything because he stays in his chair, but I thought I'd mention this because it can sometimes be difficult to know how to end the visit.
    Very wise words, Louise, I have to tell myself this many times! It's early days but I do hope your Grandad settles quickly and you will feel able to visit again soon.

    Very best wishes,
     
  12. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    We cannot put ourselves in their shoes, unless we can also enter their world in our minds.

    I try so hard with my dear Lionel, but because he looks and acts NORMAL, does not mean to say that is how he interprets daily life.

    I spent Xmas day with him at the care home. We exchanged presents, sat in the entrance lobby, greeted everyone who came in. During lunch he asked me "do we know why all these people are here?" I answered "It is Christmas day"

    He seemed perplexed, but he had just greeted everyone as they arrived............

    THEIR WORLD MUST BE SO PERPLEXING to them, no wonder we cannot comprehend.
     
  13. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    229
    Birmingham
    Hi Louise.I can understand how difficult it is for all your family on knowing how much to visit at the moment, as we found it difficult when my dad went into a N/home 3 months ago, we didn't know whether we was going to much and upsetting him more, or going to less and he was feeling abandoned. In the end after the first week mom went every other day, and i go twice a week.
    Dad as cried on and off over the last year or so, when i used to visit them both at home, dad always cried when he saw me, but then smile straight away, as if his emotions went from happy to sad in an instant, it was very hard to understand what he was feeling. But i know now when i go to see him he cries as soon has he sees me because he's happy to see me, not because he is upset. At first i tried to leave when there was a carer on hand, tell them i was going so they would step in when i said goodbye. Now when i leave i'm able to say i'm going now dad cause i'v got to catch a bus home and it's getting dark. I'm just trying to say i remember how difficult it is for you at this time and would like to send you a big hug. Your a wonderful grandaughter being so supportive for them both. Best wishes. Janet
     
  14. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    MY mum never went into a care home my dad looked after her, but it was heartbraking when she went for aweek in to respite. I can not emagin how you deal with this can only emagin the pain you must feel. Putting someone in a care home must be a very very difficult decision to make. But when you can no longer cope physicaly and mentely what can you do.

    kathyx
     

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