1. wedge

    wedge Registered User

    Jan 14, 2008
    15
    egham surrey
    Bob was sectioned for 28 days on Wednesday. He is getting worse each day. Crying all the time asking to go home. We cant understand much of what he says, he just rambles all the time, but every so often a tiny bit of lucidity comes through. Today we arrived my daughter and I to visit him, to find him sobbing on a chair being comforted by a fellow patient. Hehad been very aggressive even throwing furniture arround. He knew us, but blames me for being in hospital. He said in a moment of clear speach " i HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, AND DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU HAVE LEFT ME HERE" He accused me of having a boyfriend, and said I am a f----- bad cow. He never swares in front of me. My heart is breaking, he is in such torment and I cant help him. Friends came to see him and he was pleased to see them and knew them, but just repeats over and over that he is terrified and wants to go home.He was at one time punching himself in the head. Will this awful torment pass? I know he was a danger to himself at home, but did I do the right thing sending him to hospital? would he be better at home everyone says no but I am so guilty and so desperate to give him some peace.

    Wendy
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,882
    Kent
    Oh Wendy this is just what my husband said to me. It is so hard to hear when you know how distraught you are. It`s so sad your husband is unable to see that.

    I do hope it will all work out and within the 28 days some medication to control this awful behaviour will be found.

    Nothing I say can ease your despair. It is a cruel illness, both to the sufferer and the carer.

    I can only wish you strength.

    Love xx
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Wendy, I'm so sorry.

    There's nothing I can say to help, I know, but I do understand how painful this must be for you.

    Sylvia has just been through the same experience, and her husband is now home and more settled. That should give you hope for the future.

    Love and hugs,
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Jun 14, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2008
    Sorry to read what happening to your husband , easy for me to say it sound like you did the right thing xxx , but I am not living in your shoes with this happening to me .

    Just wanted to wish you all the best hoping they give your husband all the support that he needs, while his in hospital
     
  5. CYN

    CYN Registered User

    Jan 4, 2008
    702
    east sussex
    Dear Wendy.

    So sorry to hear about your husband, mine was in an assessment ward and told my daughter on one visit "the people in here are not like you and i" he seemed to have an insight. he had VAD.

    I hope they can sort him out and you can have him back soon ,remember he does not mean the things he is saying to you.

    Take care,
    Cynthia x x
     

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  6. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    Need to talk?

    My husband has been on an assessment ward for 7 weeks 2 days and I know that he has been extrememly unhappy although some of the time he has been unaware of where he was because of the medication. I am almost at the point of just bringing him home as I am also very unhappy for him to be there. I just cannot see that it has been of any help at all, in fact things are going from bad to worse and I am so worried about him. He has also lost weight had an infection and now I am sure is de-hydrated as today he just slept the whole time I was there visiting and his pulse rate is very low. I will be there tomorrow morning and if things are no better, I will want to see the consultant and will be bringing him home, whether I can manage or not it will be better than this.
    Like you I just don't know what to do for the best, but I dont think what is happening now is for the best/ I notice that you dont live to far from me if you want to sned a private mail and maybe you could give me a ring or I you.
    Anyone else reading this feel free to to give us any advice or help.I feel so sad my heart is breaking.
     
  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Wendy and Charleyfarley,

    I'm not in your situation, I feel so sorry for you both. Wendy, see what transpires over he next couple of weeks, things may get under control. Charleyfarley, it seems you have made your mind up, make sure you have lots of support in place, and let us know how you go on, and if you need moral support.

    Love to you both.

    Margaret
     
  8. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    about support

    Hi Wendy and thanks for your quick reply, youmust be a late bird like me. what sort of support can you suggest. I dont know what to do, shall I ring social services, see my Gp or try and get some help from Alzheimers Society. I seem to have managed on my own for the last couple of years but I now realise I need as much help as I can get but dont know how to go about it. x
     
  9. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    sorry Margaret

    Sorry Margaret I called you Wendy - well it is very late. Night night God Bless x
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,882
    Kent
    #10 Grannie G, Jun 15, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2008
    charleyfarley

    Please see the consultant before you make a decision.

    Ask why your husband is still on the ward, ask what treatment he is having to manage his condition, ask if any further treatment is being considered.

    Ask if his distress on the ward could be having a negative effect on his mental health, ask if he could be monitored at home in a calmer environment.

    We found by asking the right questions the consultants were willing to discharge my husband `on leave` so if there was an emergency a bed would be available for him to return.

    The unhappiness is unbearable for everyone concerned and it is taking us time to recover. But I`m so pleased we brought my husband home with the agreement of the consultants and not against their advice.

    Take care xx
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi charleyfarley

    So sorry you're in this desperate situation. I've no personal experience of it, but from reading Sylvia's posts, I know how awful it must be.

    Please take her advice, she's been there!

    If you can get your husband home with the consultant's approval, the hospital will put support in place in case things go wrong. It does sound as if you will need medical support, not just SS. If you bring him home against advice, you may find you're on your own.

    Love,
     
  12. wedge

    wedge Registered User

    Jan 14, 2008
    15
    egham surrey
    #12 wedge, Jun 15, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2008
    Need to talk

    Dear Charleyfarley, I know how you feel, I am wondering if being in the assesment is making Bobs anxiety and depression worse not better, I suppose it is early days for us so we must wait and see a bit longer. I would love to talk to you personally, I dont think we are supposed to put our phone numbers on this site? So my personal email is
    (Moderator note: I have removed the email address as it is policy not to allow such personal details to be posted on the board. Should you wish to exchange email address please do so via the PM system. Please be aware of your own security however :)) Please get in touch, maybe we could support each other through this terrible time I know you must be feeling desperate too.

    Wendy

    Wendy
     
  13. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    Quick update

    Hi Wendy margaret Hazel and thanks for your replies and support. I have replied to your PM Wendy and will be in touch tomorrow. I have been to the hospital all day today and just got in before midnight. They sent for the doctor as chris had a very low pulse rate and was cold and clammy, she did an ECG and decided to send him to the main hospital. so he's had all the tests etc and they said he is okay because as the day wore on he seemed to chirp up (I wondered if it was anything to do with not having his normal meds!
    I saw the consultant last week and told him I wanted to bring my husband home but he doesnt think I can cope and is worried in case he gets more aggressive, but |I told him I wasnt worried about it, it was the wandering I was worried about - constantly walking about wears me out trying to keep up with him and watching every move. So he wants to give it a little while longer and as you say I have to agree as I felt if I didnt I would be on my own. I just told him I had thought about all the consequences and options open to me and I know I won't be able to look after him eventually but at this time and moment I just want to give it one more try and if it doesnt work I can say I did try. So I must wait until he gives me the okay and just hope it wont be to long. I have made a note of the questions Margaret - some I have already asked and the others will keep for the next appointment. Night all, Bless you all xx
     
  14. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    sorry sylvia

    Thanks for this syvia, it does help so much to know that people care and have been through the same thing as you are and as you know any word of advice is greatly appreciated, I did see the consultant and told him how I felt and that I would abide by his decision, but I will ask the other things you suggest. I think they are sick of me on the ward as I go every day and air my concerns to them if I think there is a need, but I feel I have to be his voice as he cannot express things himself or speak up on his own behalf. It truly is your own worst nightmare, I dont think anyone- with the greatest respect - knows how much of a nightmare it is unless they have been through it themselves. People ask How do you manage - but you just do because you have to. Night night god bless xx
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,882
    Kent
    I don`t think anyone will be sick of you charley, they will see you as a deeply concerned wife.

    My husband`s bed was raised so he wouldn`t be tempted to lie on it all day. I understood the reason but he didn`t. He was worried he would need to climb on a chair to go to bed at night. He was frightened he`d fall out. He doesn`t like heights.

    So I asked for it to be lowered. The staff nurse said he only had to ask. And I said he wouldn`t know who to ask or how to ask or even if he could ask.

    Even with all the dementia training in the world and a great deal of experience, some seemingly minor problems are unseen and overlooked.
     
  16. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    Hi Sylvia

    Sorry it has taken so long to reply - I havent got the hang of everything on here. I am glad to say that my husband has been a lot better since they have cut the med he was on right down, he is smiling when I go and showing affection, maybe just stroking my hair or arms but it is enough for me to see he is hanging in there and there is part of him that remembers. He is also eating much better and hopefully will put some weight back on. I feel a lot better in myself and I know I have to carry on and hopefully they will find something that will help him. I also know if I did say I was taking him home they would probably section him so I couldnt. Its not worth putting myself through more stress. Am I being defeatist or just trying to make some sense of all this. I still go everyday at either lunchtime or dinnertime and the nurses say he is more cooperative for me and eats all his meal. I just hope that like you I will be able to have him home and give him the best of care I can manage while he is still at the stage he can remember that this is home and we are the people that love and care for him deeply. Thanks for your support as you undoubtedly know from your own experience it is greatly appreciated. Carole xx
     
  17. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Carole

    I'm so glad to read that Chris is more settled now, and that his behaviour towards you is more affectionate.

    As for "Am I being defeatist ...?" of course you are not. Dealing with this awful disease is like trying to hit a continually moving target; changes happen which we have to adjust to; sometimes it's very gradual, sometimes it's a big lurch and then a temporary stability again. Each time we have to absorb the emotional pain & shock, and work out how best to change to meet the new requirements. It doesn't get any easier, and admitting that we need input from doctors & specialists brings home to us that another phase has been entered. Often it's painful waiting for THEM to fine-tune meds for the best effect.

    It isn't being defeatist, it's coping as best we can with what is a dreadful situation.

    Best wishes
     
  18. pamron

    pamron Registered User

    Jun 20, 2008
    7
    Nottingham UK
    Anger and aggression

    My husband who will be 80 next month was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2005. He has gradually got worse but was not too bad - it was mainly his memory that worsened - but on May 26th he had a sever pain in his chest and I had to send for the Paramedics and an ambulance as I thought he was having a heart attack.
    He was taken to hospital and given various tests which included a scan and they diagnosed an Aortic Dissection which they explained was a tear in the aorta. They also said that there was an operation for this but that he would not stand it.
    They said the only treatment was to get his blood pressure as low as possible so they changed his medication and said they would keep him in until his BP was low enough.
    Sorry if I am rambling on but the above explains what has happened next.
    He went absolutely berserk in hospital when I wasn't there and although I visited every day they were ringing me in the evenings and asking me to talk to him to calm him down and twice I had to go back to see him. He was also hallucinating and did not understand where he was.
    This of course didn't help his BP and after a week they decided it would probably come down if he was at home and therefore calmer.
    Fine, I thought, but then his GP said, when I spoke to him on the phone the day after, that he must not drive until his BP was down.
    He hit the roof when I told him! Since then he has had at least one tantrum every day when he asks where the car keys are. Although I drive too he hates being driven by anyone and storms and rages and blames me for not letting him have the keys.
    I even took him to the docs so that he could tell him himself but it has made no difference. This,of course, is not helping his BP either.
    I don't know how long I can stand it. Today we had the same thing at least 10 times and I finished up in tears half a dozen times. What can I do?
    I have even considered leaving him to his own devices and driving away for good. That sounds terrible doesn't it?
    I don't think it will come to that but I feel guilty for even thinking about it. After 53 years of marriage- good ones too for the most part I couldn't do it and I know in my heart that he cannot help it. How do all you good folks manage to be so positive and caring when all I can do is cry. I'm even doing that as I type!
    Sorry if I have bored you all to tears too but I had to tell someone. If I talk on the phone he listens in on the extension so I cannot even pour my feelings out to my son and daughter who both live a long way away.
    Sorry again.

    Pamron
     
  19. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Dear Pamron
    You have not bored me:)
    What else could I do but be with my hubby.
    He is 84, I am 60.
    It could be the other way round:(
    I do not have any anger from my Ron. I am lucky in that respect.
    Here if needed.
    Barb & Ron
     
  20. charleyfarley

    charleyfarley Registered User

    Mar 28, 2008
    17
    surrey
    Thanks

    Have just read your reply Lynne and its nice to know someone else stays up as late as me. sometimes I sit here until all hours and keep telling myself how stupid I am for staying up but I think I wait until I am so tired I get straight to sleep when I finally get into bed. Your post somehow made me feel calm and collected, it was spoken with experience I thought and wish I could explain better. Is it that you have accepted what is happening and come to terms with it, I dont know - I think thats my prob;em I havent accepted the inevitable and struggling against the tide.
    Pam - I am glad you posted a reply and got some things off your chest, I know you were having a good cry while writing, but thats okay as well, I do that to, I think we try so hard to keep a brave face, when we are alone and opening our hearts to people we can't see it releases the emotions and that must be a good thing. You didnt say how old you were Pam, but my husband is 67 and I am 61 and feel worn out most of the time, before he went into hospital I was absolutely drained emotionally and physically, to be honest I still feel the same, what with trying to keep the home and garden and getting to the hospital everyday, keeping up with the washing/ironing (he goes through quite a lot of clothes) But we have to carry on. Dont think you are the only one who has felt like running away, I think we all have.When you have spent a lifetime with someone its so hard, its not the way its supposed to end, its not what we expect to happen. Whatever way we cope, its the best we can do, I am sure you will get up tomorrow and carry on the best way you can - like us all. Be thinking of you, please keep talking and let it all out, we're all here to listen and sympathise and understand. Hope Ron improves and they manage to get his BP down.love Carole x
     

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