Newbie - Where to start?

[Kendo469]

Hi,

This is my first post on this forum as I don't know where to start?

I have noticed recently that my 76 year mother has become quite forgetful and will ask the same question several times during a conversation, even though you may have answered her several times already.

When her and my dad go out together, dad waits in the car whilst mum checks and rechecks if the gas is turned off, or the windows closed or whether she has her purse and so on.

Or when they go shopping she will ask several times, if they need a certain food item within an couple of minutes and not recall asking previously.

My dad has raised this with me in confidence several times about the way mum is and I have tried to get him to make a doctors appointment, but without success. Now dad does not acknowledge when mum is repetitive during conversation and just ignores it, choosing not to deal with it. Now, other family members have noticed over Christmas the way mum is and have been talking about it and this has upset dad. Whenever I mention to dad privately about getting an appointment for mum, he just says, "I can't do it, its my wife, she will never forgive me". I know it is hurting him inside having to deal with this, but how do I get him to do something?

Where do I go from here? Can I speak to their doctor in confidence or do I get dad to confront mum about it and see if they will go together with me to the doctors?

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks, Kendo.

 

[min88cat]

Hi Kendo and welcome to TP. You will find lots of lovely people on here!!

Can you suggest that maybe your Dad takes your Mum to the GP under the pretence of a well woman check? You could ring the surgery beforehand and explain your concerns so your Dad doesn't have to say much about what is going on when he gets there.

If it is indeed Az or Dementia related there are drugs that can be administered to slow the decline.

 

[grove]

Hello & Welcome ! !

Hello Kendo , Am sorry to read about your Mum & ( Dad ) 76 is still youngish to me having Memory probs ! Sorry getting away from your questions ! . Can understand your Dad not being able to "face up " to your Mum's probs ( my Mum was the same with Dad ..... he has Moderate Dementia & Mum could not "face up " to the fact that Dad was unsafe Driving ) A way round your problem is to contact your Mum's G P via a letter ( you could use your Thread to help you ) & then you could encourage your Dad to take your Mum to see the G P & you could tell your Dad is was a "general Health Check Up etc " & the G P would have been warned by your letter before the Appt . This type of Advice has been given before on T P ( sorry not a "Real Expert " however other T P 'ers will be along soon to give you more advice !)

Good Luck & Hope that helps ! ! ........ Just thought "Click On " Altz Fact Sheets .... Top of this Page on Right ! There are lots of Info ... "What is Demetia ? etc etc " You can Print the Sheets out !

Love Grove x x

P S Keep Posting & you have lots of Support & Friendship on T Point !

 

[assilem]

Hi Kendo,

This sounds all to familar as this is how things started with my Nan.
My Mum wrote a letter to her GP telling him of our concerns and said that we know he wouldnt be able to discuss anything with us due to confidentiality but would he please arrange an appointment for her. Could you maybe try this? We didnt say anything to Nan about the letter and just took her along to the surgery.

Is there anyway you could take your Mum instead of your Dad taking her? He may be loathed to discuss it with GP and then get angry at you for going behind his back. Maybe if you can get the ball rolling and show your Dad that there is help and support available he will be more willing to do something?

I would reccommend that you at least inform the GP of your concerns, he wont be able to discuss your Mums care with you, but you can let him know what is happening.

Hope you manage to get things moving, dont be afraid to ask for help, it is not a sign of weakness.

Take care for now.
Mel.x

 

[Christin]

Hello Kendo, welcome to Talking Point.

I am sorry to read of your concerns for your mother, but pleased you have found TP. You might find this link helpful

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/document_pdf.php?documentID=260

If you are unable to persuade your mother to accompany you to the GP, I would certainly write or phone them. The GP may not be able to discuss your mother's health, but I believe they should listen to your concerns.

With very best wishes to you, please let us know how you get on.

 

[Mrs T]

Welcome, I am glad you found this forum early on, you will find bundles of help and advice here.

I agree with all the above advice. This was exactly how it started with my mum and exactly what we did. I would urge you to speak or write to the GP or dementia specialist about your concerns in advance so that they know what to expect. Then book an appointment and take your mum yourself, particularly as dad may cover some stuff up, under a well woman or general health check guise.

Once a diagnosis is made, they will be able to prescribe drugs at the appropriate time, which can really help sometimes. Even if they don't make a diagnosis just yet, at least it is on her record for future information. It's well worth getting the ball rolling as early as possible; if you wait to get the services involved until you start to need them you will have to go through a lot of administration just when you need swift action.

We have learnt the hard way that it is best to try and pre-empt problems and we have always been on the back foot with the next development, so I urge you to tackle this sooner rather than later.

Best of luck.

 

[assilem]

I fully agree with what Ms T has said, it is best to get things in motion now, rather than waiting til there is a crisis. While no one can say how fast or slow your mum may progress at least if you have voiced your concerns now it should make for easier access to services in the future when they are needed. We have had quite a battle over the past 18months getting people tolisten to us. Whne my Nan had her initial OT assessment in her own home, we were not informed that it would be taking place and no one was there with Nan, the OT report stated that Nan didnt need any help or assitance at that time as she was very convincing with her answers, we as her family knew this was not the case and so we felt let down at the first hurdle. Do not give up you may feel like you are always on at people to pay attention to what you are saying and willfeel like at times you are fight a loosing battle but it willbe worth it in the end.
Dont mean to scare you, this is just what we found when we first started having problems, others will no doubt have had an easier path.

Mel.x

 

[Delphie]

I know it is hurting him inside having to deal with this, but how do I get him to do something?

Maybe try explaining that if there is something wrong then it's better to know it about it asap because there is medication out there and it works well for many people. Perhaps this way he'll feel he can be a bit more proactive because he's going to be getting a solution to a problem rather than just going along to get bad news.

Also, a diagnosis of dementia isn't inevitable, even given what you've said about your mum's behaviour. One of the first things the GP will want to do is a blood test to see if all's well there, as it might not be. Dementia-like symptoms can appear for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with dementia, and some things that create such symptoms can be treated.

So try putting a more positive spin on the idea of seeing a doctor. It might work.

 

[sussexsue]

Also, a diagnosis of dementia isn't inevitable, even given what you've said about your mum's behaviour. One of the first things the GP will want to do is a blood test to see if all's well there, as it might not be. Dementia-like symptoms can appear for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with dementia, and some things that create such symptoms can be treated.

So try putting a more positive spin on the idea of seeing a doctor. It might work.

Think this is really important, as there are things other than Alzheimers that can cause these symptoms. I would really stress to your Dad that getting your mum assessed and prescribed suitable drugs can really help. For some people, drugs like Aricept can have a really positive effect. If any other organ was failing we wouldnt hesitate to go to the doctor and really the brain should be treated just the same.

Good luck.

Sue xx