Hi. my name is Julia and my father has dementia. He is 76 years old and lives at home with my mother. His memory has been worsening over the last couple of years, but it is the violence and aggression which is now scaring me rigid. Over the last few months he has started to accuse various family members, including myself, my 17 year old son and even my 6 year old nephew of stealing from his house. When my mother refuses to be drawn into a conversation regarding this, he starts shouting and yelling at her, throwing things at her and telling her he hates her and wishes her dead. She is also 76 and is crippled with arthritis and I am petrified that one day he will cause her serious injury. I cannot go to the house as I am the main target of his anger, but I speak to my mother when I can and it breaks my heart that she is so unhappy. My brother thinks he should be sectioned, but I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. Can anyone offer any advice please?
new user, scared and worried
- Thread starter jools090867
- Start date
Hello Julia
Your mother should not have to live with this form of aggression which, in my opinion, constitutes abuse.
Sectioning is not the only answer. Your father could be prescribed calming medication.
I have recently experienced this with my husband. He was not as violent as your father but even so, extremely challenging to live with. We were lucky, the medication has proved to be most effective.
I suggest you contact your father`s consultant or Community Psychiatric Nurse if he has one, and ask for help as soon as possible.
Your mother should not have to live with this form of aggression which, in my opinion, constitutes abuse.
Sectioning is not the only answer. Your father could be prescribed calming medication.
I have recently experienced this with my husband. He was not as violent as your father but even so, extremely challenging to live with. We were lucky, the medication has proved to be most effective.
I suggest you contact your father`s consultant or Community Psychiatric Nurse if he has one, and ask for help as soon as possible.
Dear Jools, so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
Has dad got a Social Worker, or anyone specialised in dementia, that you could speak to. His aggression toward you and the family, whilst not uncommon, can possibly be helped.
You really need to get the SW, GP or anyone else involved. This situation will not go away on its own, but many things can be tried before 'sectioning'.
Please let us know how you get on - and maybe someone will be along soon with more advice.
Has dad got a Social Worker, or anyone specialised in dementia, that you could speak to. His aggression toward you and the family, whilst not uncommon, can possibly be helped.
You really need to get the SW, GP or anyone else involved. This situation will not go away on its own, but many things can be tried before 'sectioning'.
Please let us know how you get on - and maybe someone will be along soon with more advice.
Hello Jules
First of all welcome to TP. I am sorry to read about your dad, and I am sorry I don't really have any advise as mum has vascular dementia but has not been violent apart from verbally. I think you must get your dad's GP in on this, Others will be along and maybe have more advise. I am sorry I cannot be more help.
Good Luck
Jenny
First of all welcome to TP. I am sorry to read about your dad, and I am sorry I don't really have any advise as mum has vascular dementia but has not been violent apart from verbally. I think you must get your dad's GP in on this, Others will be along and maybe have more advise. I am sorry I cannot be more help.
Good Luck
Jenny
Thank you for your words of advice and kindness. The trouble with my father is that the outbursts are unpredictable, he can go 5 or 6 days where he is muddled and confused but with no apparent aggression. He is still lucid enough to have an opinion, and he refuses point blank to see his consultant. My mother has made several appointments but each time he refuses to go. My mother has become a virtual prisoner in her own home, he has stopped her seeing friends and going to church, threatening suicide or faking illnesses when she suggests going out. He is manipulative and cunning - not the man he was even 12 months ago. I know I sound harsh and callous but my dad has gone now, and so I have to make sure my mum is ok.
Julia
You need a home visit from the consultant.
If your father shows his anger the consultant will witness it.
I would write to the consultant in advance and detail your father`s behaviours. Even if he does have calm periods for several days, the periods of anger are unacceptable.
Try not to be so afraid of your father. It is the illness that is making him as he is, but even so it should not have to be tolerated.
You need a home visit from the consultant.
If your father shows his anger the consultant will witness it.
I would write to the consultant in advance and detail your father`s behaviours. Even if he does have calm periods for several days, the periods of anger are unacceptable.
Try not to be so afraid of your father. It is the illness that is making him as he is, but even so it should not have to be tolerated.
Can you not ask the consultant to come to your house to do the assessment on your father ? even if your father does not want to do the assessment, at lest the consultant can see for himself how hard its getting for your mother to cope with your father aggressive behavior. They are trained to handle those situation.
If your mother does not open the door to them, no one going to know how hard its getting for you mother in coping with your father . May be if your there with her when S/he arrives it give your mother the courage to open the door to them .
I found that it made my life easer me acknowledging my mother when she accuse ever one that they had stole something , other wise I would get a reaction like you father does from my mother, so I would go looking for what was lost, find it show my mother that no one had stolen it .
PS never read your relay Sylvia till I posted my post.
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The Consultant should be asked to come to your home. The Consultant my husband has always makes a first appointment one which is carried out in the person's own home. She says she gets a much wider picture of the illness and its impact on the family carers.
Phone the Consultant's secretary and explain everything. I'm sure the Consultant will phone you back once appraised of your mum's very difficult situation.
My love to you and your mum.
xxTinaT
Phone the Consultant's secretary and explain everything. I'm sure the Consultant will phone you back once appraised of your mum's very difficult situation.
My love to you and your mum.
xxTinaT
Jools some 2 years ago my husband was as your father is now, totally not him he was the gentlest person , but alzhiemers took over, eventually our cpn nurse said we need some drastic intervention after she whitnessed his behaviour for herself and the consultant and a social worker where there within the hour. trev was sectioned, but i do not think this is something to fear as it opened up help which we would otherwise not obtained.when i offered to let the social worker see the bruises he said no need, you did not have to speak a word we can see, so perhaps a home visit would help. now for the positive , my husband has been back home 2years now, not pretend it is easy bui it is managable,and as allowed me to have my husband a bit longer, take any help offered, and if not offered be strong and ask for help love Pam