new user joined Saturday - mum passed Sunday

[caran]

Hi mum had been diagnosed with Dementia about 5 years ago although it seems that she had it for some years previously,
she went into a nursing home nearly 4 years ago because my father who was disabled could no longer give her the care and attention that she needed and I work full time running my own businesses and therefore (as much as I would have liked to)could not just 'hand in my notice' and care for her. (one of my biggest regrets and guilt pangs).

Dad passed away three years ago so I have been overseeing mums care.

I have been a constant reader of the forum at the various stages of mums illness and have found strength and support from postings, replies and information and decided that as she was in the latter stages and my strength was dipping, that I would join which I did on Saturday.

This Sunday afternoon, mum passed away having been very ill for the past few weeks and receiving palliative care for the last 10 days.

Although I spent most of last week at her side (crying a lot of the time), she passed just after I had left the nursing home to have a break and get her something at a local shopping centre.

The numbness I feel at the moment is frightening, I am in a daze making the preparations for her funeral, I have a mixture of feelings of pain, grief, peace,relief that her pain is over and again it has been helpful to read postings and to know that I am not the only one to feel this.

For the last 4 years all my focus has been on mum, I visited her almost every day but I still feel such terrible guilt that I could not take this awful disease away from her or stop it in its tracks.

Sorry to go on but it helps to write it down.

 

[Norrms]

Hiya

Hiya caran, our deepest sympathies are with you at this time and its good to see you have got some comfort from here in the past and will hopefully continue to do so in the future, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxx

 

[creativesarah]

Hi just to say grief is a very personal thing and there are so many emotions and things said and unsaid but I'm sure your mum was comforted by your prescence with her and you were more of a loving daughter than she might have expected!
You've done so well it's so hard to watch someone you love suffer
so don't be too hard on yourself
My sympathys are with you
Creativesarah

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Caran, my sincere condolences to you on the loss of your mother. Love from Deborah

 

[alphonse]

hello there Caran,so sorry to hear of your bad news.Can't begin to imagine what it would be like to hear that news,scares the hell outta me to be straight.

For some reason it does help to write things down,also helps to find a caring soul with a good ear to pour out your feelings.I know sometimes we feel like we don't want to burden people with our feelings,it turns out that thats the way they would rather have it in many cases,the chance to help that is,so give em a shot,you might just feel a bit better again.

Wish i could offer you something really usefull but i'm out of my depth and don't have any real experience in this so will wish you well and sign off.


take care Caran.

 

[sue38]

Hi Caran,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. I'm glad that you haven't only just found us, but have been reading the posts for some time. I hope you will get even more support now that you've registered.

I lost my dad just over 3 weeks ago in similar circumstances, although my dad had been admitted to hospital a week before he died. I wasn't there when he died - I had been up all night with him, and as we didn't know when it was going to happen I took the decision to get some rest, knowing that it could happen when I wasn't there. I didn't make it in time, and although I did want to be there, I'm not going to beat myself up about things I can't change now.

I think it's natural to be in something of a daze so soon after you've lost your mum. However much you think you're prepared, there's no way you can be.

Guilt comes with the territory. I too could have given up my business to care for my dad at home, but the likelihood was that he would still have had to go into care, and the very last thing he would have have wanted me to do was to give up my business. That doesn't stop those nagging feelings of 'what if...'.

I still feel such terrible guilt that I could not take this awful disease away from her or stop it in its tracks.

I think we've all wished for that at some time, but please don't feel guilty - you have done everything you could for your mum and I'm sure you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

 

[poppy01]

Hi..

Sorry to hear about your mom passing away. My thoughts are with you. I cant offer any advice to you as I only lost my own dear mom 5 weeks ago so I too am still grieving. And yes I feel guilty too and all that comes with it. My mom also died alone and I'm finding this extemely difficult to handle at the moment.

I know exactly how you feel. I know its no consolation at the time for you, but youre really not on your own. There are a lot of us on this forum that over the last few weeks have lost a loved one, all feeling the same.

I hope you start to be able to handle your moms passing a little easier soon. This forum is a godsend, it really is.

Take care. Try to think of the happy times you had with your mom.

 

[christine_batch]

Hi Caran,

I am so sorry to read of your Mum's passing.

Please stay on Talking Point, you will get so much support.

Even though my husband passed away aged 62 with A.D. a year ago.

I was due to visit my husband on the Sunday and I was not up to seeing Peter ( I am disabled) and I received a phone call at 6.30 a.m. the Monday morning telling me my husband had died.

Sending love and lots of hugs at this terrible time.

Christine

 

[caran]

thanks everyone, your best wishes and support are much appreciated. I will keep in touch on the forum as I may be able to help someone else as you have all helped me in the past.

 

[Mameeskye]

((((hugs))) Caran

Sometimes there are no words.

It's more than two years since my Mum died. I remember that time only too well. The mix of emotions, the pain that came with it, and the relief after a long time of worry and waiting. My heart goes out to you and your family at this time.

The strength I got from reading and responding was incredible. I am glad that you are finding help from everyone's support here too.

Wishing you courage and strength to face what life brings you in the next wee while.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Jo1958]

Caran, hello
So very sorry to hear your sad news, my condolences to you at this time.
Sending you support for the coming days and wishing you patience with yourself and an ability to give yourself some of the care and attention you have been giving your lovely mum.
Kind regards, Jo

 

[Izzy]

Sincere condolences. Izzy x

 

[CaPattinson]

Hello there Caran, My deepest sympathies for your sad loss. You most definitely did your very best for your mum. I lost my mum 2 and a half years ago I know how devastating and heartbreaking it is. I only joined talking point a few days ago - it has helped me and if you keep posting here you'll meet wonderful friends who will support and help you at this dreadful time. I was going to put a quote here but I dont know how but Sue put it in her message. You felt guilty you couldn't take away this terrible disease - many of us feel like that - if you read the posts you'll find that guilt visits everyone. I wanted to stop my mum having alzheimers - its natural to feel like that BUT it is impossible yet we still feel guilty. I would have given anything for her not to have this most cruel disease. To see how my mum changed it broke my heart. There's no point dwelling on 'if onlys' or 'I should have' because except for giving the best possible care as you did it's out of your hands. Its very early days for you Caran, you must be having mixed feelings just now - you might be confused and heartbroken amongst a lot of other emotions I know I was. I am here for you if you need to talk. REMEMBER you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Take care, Caran. You are in my thoughts. xx Christine

 

[Lynne]

Hi Caran

My sympathies on the loss of your mother last week, and strength for the funeral to come (this week?).

The numbness I feel at the moment is frightening, I am in a daze making the preparations for her funeral, I have a mixture of feelings of pain, grief, peace,relief that her pain is over and again it has been helpful to read postings and to know that I am not the only one to feel this.

As you have said, that turmoil of emotions is quite overwhelming and we retreat into numbness as a way of dealing with it; at least, I did.
Take them on singly, starting with peace & relief that her pain and confusion is over.

Best wishes