New member

[Jazzi]

Hi
I have a partner with undiagnosed dementia. Trying to get him diagnosed has been an uphill battle. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so is very resistant to attending appointments, etc. Am now at the stage where he has had a ‘challenging‘ appointment with the Dementia and Frailty team and yesterday had an MRI on his brain. My husband has always been a very difficult man and prior to my slow realisation that something was drastically wrong I was on the verge of leaving him, despite financial difficulties. I came across this forum when, at 4 o clock in the morning, I typed into google ‘can you divorce someone with dementia’. Not sure why I joined as I don’t have a specific question except to say that I do have very supportive children and sister and a good friend, but feel so bad constantly burdening them with my problems.

Wow! What an introduction. To post, or not to post ...... Well, here goes

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Jazzi.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation and I’m glad you’ve found this forum.

You don’t have to have a specific question here. It’s a place where you can come for understanding and support. Share how you feel and what concerns you. You’ll find understanding and support here.

 

[Sarasa]

A very warm welcome to Dementia Support Forum from me as well @Jazzi.
I echo what @Izzy has just said, this is a very friendly and supportive place.

 

[Silversally]

Hi
I have a partner with undiagnosed dementia. Trying to get him diagnosed has been an uphill battle. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so is very resistant to attending appointments, etc. Am now at the stage where he has had a ‘challenging‘ appointment with the Dementia and Frailty team and yesterday had an MRI on his brain. My husband has always been a very difficult man and prior to my slow realisation that something was drastically wrong I was on the verge of leaving him, despite financial difficulties. I came across this forum when, at 4 o clock in the morning, I typed into google ‘can you divorce someone with dementia’. Not sure why I joined as I don’t have a specific question except to say that I do have very supportive children and sister and a good friend, but feel so bad constantly burdening them with my problems.

Wow! What an introduction. To post, or not to post ...... Well, here goes

 

[Silversally]

Welcome,Jazzi. Some of us are in a similar situation - caring for someone we no longer love and wishing we had left before all this started. I think your family and friends would want you to offload your problems as listening sympathetically is one way for them to help, when they feel rather helpless. Hoping you find the strength to get through this. Come here any time you like and you will find support.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome from me too @Jazzy.

I`m pleased you decided to post. It`s the best place to let off steam to people who know how it is and will not walk away.

 

[DC21]

Hey! Hope you are coping with the situation you are facing. This forum is a way of sharing your frustrations and if you do have specific issues there is always someone who can offer advice. I offer that to try to assist in understanding the process and in the hope that you might find my experience useful.

I faced a similar situation a few years ago. My wife was always a strong willed person and took the lead in most things in our relationship. Over time she lost the ability to remember things, to pay bills on time particularly, and that began a long journey to get her to recognise the problem and even longer to get her to accept it and get to a formal diagnosis. It's not easy for the carer to be patient over this time, but as I learnt, its not a situation that can be forced. As you may know you can't get a diagnosis without the full cooperation of the patient. Another frustration to get over!
I'm guessing you're past this stage having got to the MRI stage. What follows is very much dependent on the results of that. It will help the team to determine the type of dementia your partner has. If your partner hasn't already had the memory tests, then that will come too and a formal diagnosis should follow. In my case this all took time and patience, not because the memory team wasn't available, more because my wife would refuse to attend appointments. There is no easy fix to this, more a case of gentle persuasion and patience. Timing of appointments and the right time for your partner is a work of art, Persistence is the key.
The team will give you a pathway incorporating medication if appropriate and there is help out there and you will be signposted by the team to the assistance that you need. They should also offer advice on the financial support you may be entitled to. Depending on your circumstances, attendance allowance and carers allowance are the two key benefits you could apply for.

I hope some of this helps with your situation.

 

[Kevinl]

Hello from me too, please feel free to vent, we all have days like that sometimes. K

 

[Jazzi]

Welcome,Jazzi. Some of us are into a similar situation - caring for someone we no longer love and wishing we Thankyou Silversallyhad left before all this started. I think your family and friends would want you to offload your problems as listening sympathetically is one way for them to help, when they feel rather helpless. Hoping you find the strength to get through this. Come here any time you like and you will find support.

 

[Jazzi]

Thank you for responding. Do you know if anyone does divorce, live separately at this stage?

 

[Jazzi]

Thank you all so much for the welcome, it’s really good to know that there are people prepared to listen and respond.

 

[Jazzi]

Hey! Hope you are coping with the situation you are facing. This forum is a way of sharing your frustrations and if you do have specific issues there is always someone who can offer advice. I offer that to try to assist in understanding the process and in the hope that you might find my experience useful.

I faced a similar situation a few years ago. My wife was always a strong willed person and took the lead in most things in our relationship. Over time she lost the ability to remember things, to pay bills on time particularly, and that began a long journey to get her to recognise the problem and even longer to get her to accept it and get to a formal diagnosis. It's not easy for the carer to be patient over this time, but as I learnt, its not a situation that can be forced. As you may know you can't get a diagnosis without the full cooperation of the patient. Another frustration to get over!
I'm guessing you're past this stage having got to the MRI stage. What follows is very much dependent on the results of that. It will help the team to determine the type of dementia your partner has. If your partner hasn't already had the memory tests, then that will come too and a formal diagnosis should follow. In my case this all took time and patience, not because the memory team wasn't available, more because my wife would refuse to attend appointments. There is no easy fix to this, more a case of gentle persuasion and patience. Timing of appointments and the right time for your partner is a work of art, Persistence is the key.
The team will give you a pathway incorporating medication if appropriate and there is help out there and you will be signposted by the team to the assistance that you need. They should also offer advice on the financial support you may be entitled to. Depending on your circumstances, attendance allowance and carers allowance are the two key benefits you could apply for.

I hope some of this helps with your situation.

Thankyou. Do you know what happens if you can’t get an official diagnosis. As I understand it my husband has now been assessed by a junior doctor on the Dementia and Frailty Team (he didn’t want me to accompany him and it has taken 8 months from finally getting him to see our gp to get this far) who asked for the mri test and having achieved that, the next stage will be an appointment with the consultant who will be able to diagnose the type of dementia, etc. What happens if he refuses the appointment?

 

[Jazzi]

Welcome,Jazzi. Some of us are in a similar situation - caring for someone we no longer love and wishing we had left before all this started. I think your family and friends would want you to offload your problems as listening sympathetically is one way for them to help, when they feel rather helpless. Hoping you find the strength to get through this. Come here any time you like and you will find support.

 

[Jazzi]

Still learning how to use site. Meant to post response but think it went out as a general post (?). Does anyone leave a partner at this stage?

 

[DC21]

Thankyou. Do you know what happens if you can’t get an official diagnosis. As I understand it my husband has now been assessed by a junior doctor on the Dementia and Frailty Team (he didn’t want me to accompany him and it has taken 8 months from finally getting him to see our gp to get this far) who asked for the mri test and having achieved that, the next stage will be an appointment with the consultant who will be able to diagnose the type of dementia, etc. What happens if he refuses the appointment?

It was a similar situation for me. It took me over a year from GP to Memory clinic with a series of cancelled appointments. This is where your perseverance comes in. There can't be a diagnosis without him attending the appointment. The MRI is only part of the testing. It will be difficult getting to the appointment but it will give you both the power that only knowledge can give you. Life would remain difficult without the official diagnosis - its only this that releases all the support that is available both from the professionals and financial. If he is motivated by money then perhaps this may be something you could use to convince him to go to the appointment. In addition to the 2 benefits I mentioned you can also get a 25% reduction on council tax. I know this sounds mercenary but if you can use it to your advantage then why not? If you have financial difficulties then this will certainly help out.

Hope it helps and I wish you well

 

[annieka 56]

Still learning how to use site. Meant to post response but think it went out as a general post (?). Does anyone leave a partner at this stage?

Still learning how to use site. Meant to post response but think it went out as a general post (?). Does anyone leave a partner at this stage?

Hello Jazzi

In answer to your direct question, I'm sure people do leave a partner at this stage - and before as well as at a later stage.
But I 'm sure like any break up it would be full of practical, financial and emotional pitfalls. With the added layer of not quite diagnosed dementia on top.
I think you said you had considered it before?
I'm guessing that even if you sorted out the mechanics of living separately you would still be invested in your partner's health and well being as you have tried so hard to get him to appointments etc and I somehow doubt that would stop even if somehow you weren't living with him. I imagine you would still be worrying if he was missing appointments etc

I may be a lone voice on this one, but I wouldn't be too hesitant in involving adult sons and daughters in any of this especially as you say they are supportive. I for some reason protected ours from the reality of their dad's dementia for a while but I didn't need to.

wishing you all the best x

 

[leny connery]

Thank you for responding. Do you know if anyone does divorce, live separately at this stage?

 

[leny connery]

My friend cares for a man whose wife waliked when he was diagnosed..but more often the only time we can stop carrying the (physical) burden is when we can no longer manage and put him/her into care homes