New member trying our best

[Bald guy]

Hi All,
My partner and I have been caring for my mother who has early to mid dementia after the sudden death of my father some 3 months ago. My parents live in a town 12 miles away and although I was always visiting at least 3 times a week and could see my mother was getting very forgetful I had no idea how bad things were until my fathers death.

I had raised the issue of mums forgetfulness with my father just before his death and his response was “don’t say anything she will go mad” we now realise he was trying very hard to hide her illness.

We have found we are learning as we go along one foot at a time, I want my mum to stay in her house for as long as possible although she doesn’t know anyone in the street as I worry a change of surroundings may not be good for her, I work 45 hours plus per week so a lot of the care is given to my partner and she is doing an amazing job and I can never thank her enough.

Mum has good and bad days but won’t acknowledge dads passing so we get a continuous bombardment of he hasn’t come home yet, have you seen him, maybe he’s having an affair which we try to ignore but does become very painful as my father and I were more like best mates than father and son.

Dave.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP.
I’m sorry to read about your dad.

I think you may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[LadyA]

I'm sorry to read about your dad's death, and what it means for your mum, you and your partner. I wonder if she has been diagnosed? I know the trip to the doctor might be tricky, but could you talk to him/her first, and explain how things are with your mum? Maybe he could then call her in for a "routine check up", and perhaps you or your partner could accompany her? Then you could apply for Attendance Allowance for her, and the Council Tax discount, which would help pay for some care in the future, if not now. I know getting someone to accept care or a "befriender" when they can no longer be left safely alone can be tricky. I hired a man "to help in the garden, do the heavier work" and he and my husband pottered about happily until my husband was no longer able to be outside, and then they watched dvds, the guy read bits from the newspaper to him, they played a sort of chess (to my husband's by then limited ability), fixed snacks etc. I know other people have used themes like "daughter of a friend needs some work experience/some extra pocket money. Would you be willing to help out mum, by letting her do a bit of vacuuming or that? We'll pay her, as it won't be much."

By the way, if you can, now would be a good time to try and get power of Attorney for your mum too.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Bald guy,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and, from the sounds of it, your best mate.

With regards to your mum, she is not willfully not remembering. She is totally unable to remember that your dad has died. Is there any point in telling her? No. Just give her what are called love lies - Dad is collecting the car. He has gone shopping. He has been called out of town and will be back soon. Just getting the shopping - You get the gist.

A for your mum staying in the house. Well, it is a case of wait for the crisis.You can plan as much as you want. However, dementia will have other plans.

It might be worth getting your mum out to clubs. In part to give her activities she might enjoy. In part to give your partner a break. Dementia caring can be pretty thankless.

Do you have POA (Power of Attorney) for you mum for Finance and Health and Welfare? If not might be worth sorting. Another thing worth sorting is AA (Attendance Allowance). This is important as it is the line in the sand for SS (Social Services) when your mother does need additional care put in place.

Should you need any help with finding clubs or AA the links which will be useful are listed below. Put in your mum's post code and the local contact details will come up.

Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

 

[Bald guy]

Hi and thank you all very much for your replies all great advice which we will take on board. So far my mother has been assessed by her surgery a slight love lie to get her there, she was referrered to specialists in the general hospital again more love lies where to say she wasn’t best pleased when we got there was the understatement of the year and she refused point blank to attend any further appointments although further assessments will take place as a team are coming to her home on Tuesday so hopefully a written diagnosis will follow.

We were worried it may be to late to go down power of attorney, the bank, surgery and council have all been very understanding and helpful sending letters through to me and acknowledging I as an only child and only remaining relative are dealing with all finances and household expenses.

We have a carer coming in once a week but are very interested in getting her out and meeting others in her area, my partner has considerable more free time than I and takes mum out somewhere most days even if it’s a coffee at the nearby bakery.

We have just returned from mums and although she mentioned dad quite often but took your advice (oh Knickers) and went along with her which seemed to help all parties.

Sometimes things can get on top of us as holidays and my social life have totally evaporated but so far we are coping ok and enjoy making her happy, I know it’s early stages now but we are in for the long haul no matter what we are face.

Dave.

 

[LadyA]

Might be good to try introducing a Day Centre or "Lunch Club" too.

 

[Bald guy]

Thanks LadyA I have just followed Cat27’s link and found a day centre within half a mile of mums house I will check it out Wednesday after her next assessment.