1. zebraff

    zebraff Registered User

    Dec 5, 2006
    5
    Dorset
    Hi, just joined.

    My dad has dementia. Mum has been looking after him. She could barely manage and we help as much as she'll let us but she has fiercly resisted any intervention.
    We wanted to build an extension on our house for them so that we could be close at hand. No way. We wanted to employ a carer, no way.
    Anyway, things have come to a head and she's become ill with the strain. My father has gone into urgent respite.

    Now she doesn't want to know about him and it's almost as if she's handed the responsibility to me. It needn't have come to this, it's so tragic. I now have two dependant parents, the last few days have been a nightmare. He's crying because he wants to come home. I can't bear the sadness.

    The guilt trip is massive, I should have done more, yet I don't know what.

    Is this a familiar story?
    Thanks for reading this.

    Zebraff
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Yes, it's familiar. The possessiveness, the all-or-nothing approach.

    Lila
     
  3. zebraff

    zebraff Registered User

    Dec 5, 2006
    5
    Dorset
    Thanks for your reply Lila,

    Zebraff
     
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Zebraff,
    For me it was a hard lesson to learn that my father was an adult too, and had to be allowed to make his own decisions about how to care for my mum - and that also meant that he had to be allowed to make some mistakes - all we can do is help to pick up the pieces when it comes to that.
    Mum has had a fright. She feels that she has let everyone down. She has been struggling to carry your dad alone (her choice), and now that she has dropped the burden, she realises how heavy it was, and doesn't want to take the strain again. Mum is in a very vulnerable state.
    The way forward? Well, you have to look at what is right for both your parents.
    At present your dad will be scared and confused. If he remains in a Residential/Nursing Home, that will improve with time. Though he may not understand what is going on, he will pick up on the vibes from you. Dad is safe and well cared for where he is, I think your priority must be to get mum stabilised, so that you can then as a family make decisions about the future.
    Thinking of you.
    Love Helen
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Hi Zebraff
    Welcome to TP

    Helen's words of advice can't be bettered, I don't think. This, I'm afraid, is a long road, and the only thing you can do is take it one day at a time, trite as that might sound. You have to help your parents find a situation that is workable for both of them. I do think many people, like your mother, carry on until they finally can't take it any more. Whether that is a permanent state only time will tell.

    This place (TP) is a great place to ask advice, share and or even just have a generalised moan about any situation you find yourself in.

    Love
    Jennifer
     
  6. zebraff

    zebraff Registered User

    Dec 5, 2006
    5
    Dorset
    Helen, I can't tell you how grateful I am for your post.

    At the moment I'm not thinking clearly and it's like a roller coaster of guilt, frustration, fear, sadness and anger.
    You have put things into perspective. Thank you.

    Zebraff
     
  7. zebraff

    zebraff Registered User

    Dec 5, 2006
    5
    Dorset
    Thanks for your post Jennifer. So glad for this site.

    Zebraff
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Zebraff

    So sorry for your situation. I'm seeing it from the other side of the fence. I'm caring for my husband, who has AD. I have bouts when I feel I can't cope any more, and I just want someone to take over. But I love him very much, and the feeling passes (for a while). Your mum may alo get over the feeling of not wanting to know. Just give her all the love and support you can.

    You may also find that after this crisis they may both be prepared to accept more outide help, if it means your mumis more able to cope at home.

    As for the guilt trip, again that's normal. We all feel that we should be able to cope better. The reality is, we're all human, we all have our breaking point.

    But try to keep it in proportion. You're a loving, caring daughter, otherwise you wouldn't be here! It's not all up to you, you have your own life and responsibilities. You owe it to yourself to investigate what help is available.

    Stay strong, and keep posting. You have lots of new friends here.
     
  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Zebraff

    I can't add much to what's already been said above, but would emphasise that we ALL know the guilt-monster much better than we want to, however much we have done our best. Don't let him add to your problems, he doesn't belong on your shoulder so spit in his eye!

    Best wishes
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
  11. zebraff

    zebraff Registered User

    Dec 5, 2006
    5
    Dorset
    I am so glad I found you all.

    My father had to be taken to hospital by the CPN as I had to deal with my mother who was in a terrible state, (I had to call 999 in the end).

    I only got in to see him the next day and he was crying because he thought my mum had got rid of him and he couldn't contact any of us and didn't know if she was going to die. He was trying to eat his dinner and crying at the same time. That is the saddest thing I have ever seen and it will never leave me.

    Zebraff

    PS Thanks for the link Margarita.
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I am sorry they waited for it to turn into such an emergency. Hope you were able to reassure your father.

    During my father's illness I thought both my parents had gone mad, and she was so possessive with him, it was difficult for anyone to help without being rejected as interfering. And then of course if you did nothing you'd be misrepresented as uncaring, neglectful etc.
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #13 Margarita, Dec 7, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2006
    Those images of those memories may never go , if you choose to look back on them in the future , but in the future your look back and think , thank-god you or your mum did it ,and how did you all cope , but you did it , so you can get the best help for your dad that your mother could not of done , your also helping your mum .

    If you can understand that you father persecution of thinking is confused he can now no longer think clearly that is why his saying what his saying , because of his illness . also your will not feel so guilty and get depress.

    and your mother must have much stress anxiery or depression ,with trying to help your father she lost the capacity to think clearly . Negtive events grow in ininportaance and domintae our lives and we cannot tell that our thinking is out of perspective .These negative thoughts seem to take hold and we become trapped in misery , anxiety or anger , thats maybe where your mother is at now .

    I only say this as its help me to understand my own feeling so I can move on help my family and all the above has happen to me .

    I wish I had someone to have help me also in those days , But I never but I done so will you .

    Good luck
     

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