Welcome!
Hi, Murrill, and welcome to TP. I am fairly new here myself but have gotten a great deal of advice, suggestions, and support here, and hope it will be useful for you as well.
I am also in the States and am here to tell you that the lovely people on this forum don't mind a bit where we are from. Dementia ignores national boundaries.
(There is a similar forum to this on the US Alzheimer's website, but, if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll tell you a secret: I much prefer this one!)
Having said that, there are differences in how the US and UK legal, medical, and social services systems work.
If you are not in the States, please ignore these links:
Our national Alzheimer's organization is the Alzheimer's Association, and they deal with all types of dementia, not just Alzheimer's. Their web site is
http://www.alz.org/ and if you haven't explored their web site, I urge you to do so. They have a 24/7 helpline you can call at 1-800-272-3900. They will be able to direct you to local organizations and groups in your area. Where I live, when I call that number during certain daytime hours, I get connected to a local person in my state and county, but I don't know if that is the same everywhere. But give them a call, they will know.
In the state where I live, we also have local area agencies on aging, or local councils on aging. They are the organization who may be able to best connect you to other resources in your area. Mine has a website, offers classes and workshops, and publishes reference materials, among other things. This is a valuable resource.
The next step is to find the local groups and support in your area, and/or the area where your parents live, if it's not the same state and county as you. While some states do offer services/support on a statewide level, mostly it's from the county. Again, AA and/or Google, plus your local council on aging, should be able to put you in touch and help you get started to find services.
The legal and financial things are a whole other kettle of fish, as you probably know. My advice is that you should get that sorted ASAP. If your parents don't have an attorney, get one. Eventually you will probably want someone versed in elder law and possibly wills, estates, and trusts (depending on their financial situation and the state where they live) but for right now, a regular old lawyer with experience in wills and powers of attorney will do. Both of your parents need to have a will, your state's required living will/health care power of attorney forms, and a general power of attorney. If something happened to your dad, and you don't have power of attorney for your mother, you will (depending on where you live) have a very difficult time doing things like paying the bills. You need both your parents to do this. You need an attorney who will go to their house (a good one won't have a problem with this) and will know how to talk to them. This will save you a huge amount of time and hassle and emergencies later on, trust me.
Then we come down to the nitty-gritty of caretaking. As you know all too well, it's terribly difficult and exhausting, physically and emotionally and mentally, to be a caregiver for someone with dementia. You are not whining. Nobody here will judge you for saying it's hard
I think it sounds like you really, really need some help. I would consider:
-establishing direct contact with your mother's doctor. Even if she hasn't given them permission to talk to you (and she may have, in the past, and the doctor may be able to obtain that from her verbally, even now), you can always talk to them. Make sure they understand what is going on from a caretaking point of view, as well as her health. Is it a primary care/internist/GP that she has, or a geriatrician, or a neurologist, or what? Find out what options they have to get you as much information and help as possible. Some memory clinics/geriatric/older adult practices can connect you directly to social services in your area. But I agree with others, more information about your mother, from the medical professionals, will be helpful.
-get the legal paperwork under control
-find out about support groups in your area, and attend them all until you find one you like. It took me several tries to get the right ones. My local Alzheimer's association knew about most of them, but I found a few others through community agencies. I attend one that's just for dementia caregivers and another one that is a general caregiver group, through a community agency. Some of these offer respite care for the person with dementia. Your dad would benefit from this as well. Support groups, like this forum, are an important way to feel connected and know you are not alone.
-find out about any social services that your parents may be entitled to, such as Meals on Wheels or whatever is in your area. Be prepared for your mother to refuse, but gently go ahead anyway (more on this later). If either of your parents is a veteran, you may be entitled to services through your local VA agency. There may be community agencies or local faith-based agencies.
-find out about day care and other respite options in your area. If your mother could go to day care (sometimes called adult day care here in the States) even a few times a week, it would give your dad a much-needed break. Respite is the term for when the person with dementia goes and stays somewhere, sometimes at a local nursing home or other facility. Some day care is through facilities, some is privately run, some is community agency based, etc. It will depend on where they live (sorry, you are probably tired of hearing me say that).
-investigate getting help to come to the home, whether it's cleaning, a caregiver, a companion, a lawn service, a handyman, a personal chef, whatever, you name it. Caregiving takes up so much time and energy that other things get lost in the shuffle. You could also look into a delivery service for groceries or even getting regular supplies from Amazon, to cut down on the shopping. A laundry service is another possibility. This would probably all be private pay but may be money well spent. Medicare, Medicaid, and insurance will pay for some home care but as I'm sure you know, that's complicated.
-if it's the sort of thing that helps you, there are lots and lots of books out there about dementia, caregiving, Alzheimer's, et cetera. If that sounds like something you want to pursue, head to your local library and let them find books for you.
That is to get you started. I'm sorry to present you with a laundry list of things to do and I hope it's not overwhelming. When I found out my mother had dementia, I literally did not know where to start and luckily my therapist works at a local community agency, and she put me in touch with the right people, but I would have been lost otherwise.
I also want to say that I, and many others on here as well (more than you'd think!), am the adult daughter of a difficult mother. I've never been emotionally close to my mother, she wasn't a particularly good mother, she has battled mental and physical illness all her life, and now I have been landed with the job of being her caretaker (I'm an only child and so is she; my parents divorced when I was very young and my father died in 1998). I love her because she is my mother, but I do not love the person she is, nor do I like her, nor have I done for many, many years. As you said, I'm here for the duration. I will do this job to the best of my ability but I will not let it destroy me in the process. I'm not the only one here, who feels like this.
Earlier on, when I was trying to "research" dementia and caregiving by reading all the books I could get my hands on, I often felt frustrated that a lot of the books and online resources talked about people who were devastated that their loving, warm mother, to whom they'd always been so close, was now changed by dementia. This is not to belittle their experience, but I couldn't find anything in that experience to relate to--my mother is still as unpleasant, unpredictable, manipulative, demanding, and difficult as she ever was, just worse in a different way. Here was where I found other people who knew what I meant and didn't judge me for it.
I hope something in this mess of a response helps. Please read around on the current and older threads here on TP, come back and ask questions, whatever you need to do. There is support here.