New Here, Advice Needed

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Cullercoats, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. Cullercoats

    Cullercoats Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    7
    I'm posting instead of my mother, for reasons that will become clear in a few moments. I hope this is OK? I am gravely concerned about the health and well-being of my father. I have been trying to persuade my mother to take my dad to the doctor for about 3 years now without success. She refused to acknowledge there was an issue but now accepts there is. We have just returned from a trip to London with them. My father is 76. He was muddled, confused, anxious, incoherent, inconsistent and very up and down. There were a couple of situations in London where he behaved very out of character and was aggressive, nasty and unpleasant. As stated, this is very out of character. The hustle and bustle of London clearly unnerved him and he seemed isolated and intimidated. With the benefit of hindsight not an ideal setting for a short holiday but my mother kept telling us there wasn't an issue so we went ahead. If anything, this helped convince my mother there was an issue. We got to spend 5 days with him (usually one or two max) and my friend, in social services with some dementia experience also met him and confirmed he is quite poorly. I have now wrestled control from my mum as intervention seemed the only way and he will soon visit his GP, with me accompanying him. I spoke to his GP, and they have been fantastic. I fear he is too far gone to really help now, and am conscious I am waffling, but I just wanted to know what happens next so I can guide my mother. I assume he shouldnt drive, we should moderate his alcohol intake and we should keep his life as simple as possible for the time being?? Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I wonder if your Mum does know, but is just refusing to acknowledge things are out of kilter? I know I did that for ages before making a move. Be gentle with your Mum, and I sincerely hope you get the help you need.
     
  3. Cullercoats

    Cullercoats Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    7
    You've hit the nail on the head. We had a huge clear the air yesterday and she acknowledged she had been aware for some time and it became clear their friends and certain family members are in the loop too. Perhaps they were trying to protect me, I am an only child and was once very close to my father. My parents have/had a very traditional marriage. She does/did what she was told, it seemed to work, she is scared to rock the boat.

    If this has any positive it is that she is actually now prospering in her own way, taking a greater lead with finances and if you pardon the expression, is starting to wear the trousers after 50 years of playing second fiddle. Ironically I had long since given up hope about my father, it is my mother I am concerned about as I live at the other end of the country. I am trying to get her the help she needs, to help him as much as I can at the same time. She deserves some respite as it is clearly having an impact.
     
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello cullercoats l relate to your mother, l was in denail with my hubby for 6yrs, then after family and friends kept lecturing me to do something about it, l did !!! Not an easy task wish l had a daughter, but l haven't only sons they didn't think anything was wrong with their father. I am pleased you have got things moving, l hope all goes well for you
     
  5. ann.marie

    ann.marie Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    3
    Camberley, Surrey
    Hi there, I am new on here today too and your post struck a cord with me. My Mother-in-law (age 70, I posted about our problems with the memory clinic earlier) was recently diagnosed with dementia. We also knew there was a problem which was getting worse over the last 3 years, but she was adamant that she was fine and wouldn't hear of seeking advice. It was only when we insisted (a very emotional discussion for all concerned!) that she agreed to be tested. Both my husband (her son) and I went with her to the GP. I had to raise our concerns about her memory to the GP, and give examples which she flatly denied so it was very difficult. The GP then did the memory test, which proved she had a definite problem. We were referred to the memory clinic, another test there which showed she had deteriorated again and then MRI scan, blood tests etc. I am sure the same will happen for your Dad, it will be easier once you have a diagnosis and the memory clinic should be able to tell you about help your parents are entitled to.
     
  6. Cullercoats

    Cullercoats Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    7
    Thanks for your kind words.
     
  7. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I'm pretty much in the same boat as your Mum. Having to control the household after living under what I used to is something I loathe, quite honestly. It's only the fact that I believe in my marriage vows that keeps me doing what I'm doing. I don't do it very well, totally without support, which is why I desperately hope no one else ever comes here saying they can't find any support. I sincerely hope you and your Mum are heard and that you get the required care you all need.

    Dementia; Alzheimers, call it what we will. It's a medical condition and we need to be supported.

    Love and strength to you.
     
  8. Cullercoats

    Cullercoats Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    7
    Thanks for your kind words and advice. Same back.
     
  9. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    It was the opposite for me. I spent 2 years trying to persuade John to visit the GP, whilst he, together with friends and family, denied there was anything wrong. It's good if your Mum now acknowledges things, but everyone has to reach the line in their own time.

    Even if you don't live nearby, knowing that she has your love and support will help your Mum enormously. My son lives 6,000 miles away in California, but we Skype a couple of times a week. When he came over in January for John's funeral, I hadn't had a cuddle with him for 6 years, but I always felt he was close to me.

    John's department was always DIY, the car, the garden, all the "manly" things, whereas I did the arranging, the admin and the finance. I experienced undiluted joy when I tightened a loose screw ON MY OWN!

    I wish you and your family well. xxx
     
  10. Cullercoats

    Cullercoats Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    7
    Thank you for those very kind words of support and encouragement. My mother has known there is a problem, she just hasn't wanted to rock the boat with my father. They have a very traditional marriage, and she would never cross him. The one positive of this whole carry on has been her willingness to step up and do more, she has actually started to flourish and has taken on a lot more responsibility. He will soon have the care and medication he needs which will hopefully mean my mum can have a better quality life.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.