1. desperado

    desperado Registered User

    Apr 7, 2008
    Lancashire England
    Hello everyone. It's difficult to know where to start really. My mother is 89 yrs old and has been suffering from memory loss for some time now. I was working overseas for 20 years and in 1997 returned as both parents were suffering from various problems (physical as well) so I thought I'd better come back tohelp them when needed. After trying a couple of different jobs I settled into the one I'm in, got a flat 20 mins from Mum and Dad and that's how it all began. Mum doesn't trust anyone and when she can't find something she blames everyone else. Dad died in December 2007 so i moved in with mum as she can't cope with being alone. since Dad's death she has deteriorated and even called the police a couple of weeks ago as she though my brother (who visits once a week but now he's been disgnosed with prostrate cancer won't be coming for a while) and I were in league to make her think she is losing her mind. She had lost her easter cards and her keys !!! Anyway last Thursday I took her for a memory assessment and the psychiatrist told her that she must inform the DVLA that she'd seen him. He confirmed that she has dementia but could not advise whether it was Alzheimers or Vascular. He's writing to the GP so i don't know what will happen next. i reminded mum that she has to tell the DVLA but she refuses as without the car she feels helpless. I feel like a traitor taking her to the memory assessment and possible causing her to lose her license. I understand that the place she's in is frightening for her but sometimes she is so aggressive and accusatory that I get really upset and even considered walking out and finding another flat. But I realise that she couldn't live alone all the time. I work full time and get home about 6pm. Somethimes she cooks, sometimes we have some strange concoctions (a bit like Letitia in the vicar of Dibley) but whenever possible I cook when I get in. Since the memory assessment we have had a good few days but today it started again. Four phone calls accusing me of taking her keys.
    Everythings a bit jumbled up - sorry if it doesn't flow well but it's all in my head at once. Hope there's someone out there who's dealing with similar issues.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello desperado, :)

    If I say most of us have dealt with similar issues, I hope you will believe me.

    The clinging to independence, in the forms of managing finance and driving, seem to be two of the biggest areas of conflict between carers and the cared for.

    Your mother will either be in denial of her condition, or unable to accept logical reasoning , or both.

    I was the one who informed the DVLA about my mother`s condition. I didn`t tell her, but she knew it was me. She said if she`d had a gun she would have killed me.
    But at least she wasn`t given the chance to kill anyone else.

    I also had a battle with her about money. I really don`t know how it was reaolved, I think it was due to general progression of her condition. Even so, it was very wearing.

    I have also had problems with my husband about driving and finance. The driving has been resolved but the finance is part of our day to day life.

    I can only suggest you play it by ear. Don`t argue with your mother, if necessary, walk away and tell her you are not prepared to discuss it. Try to distract her. Tell her this is how it is and she will have to accept it. Whatever works for you.

    Mind you, whatever works, might not necessarily work the second time. It`s really hard going and we can only do the best we can.

    Take care xx
  3. desperado

    desperado Registered User

    Apr 7, 2008
    Lancashire England
    thank you

    Thank you Sylvia
    Funny you should mention money because that's the other problem. Mum hides everything including her housekeeping. when she can't find it she says she never had it so draws out more. As this is from our joint account which is for bills I am having to top it up all the time. The psychiatrist spoke about power of attorney but she doesn't want to know about that as "there's nothing wong with her." It's everyone else ie me !!

    The psychiatrist said he will tell mum again about the DVLA and then will write to her. If she does nothing he will inform them. I'll try to persuade her but I think it will be very difficult and no doubt I'll have to tell them in the end.

    Do the GP's normally follow up the psychaitrist's evaluation ?
  4. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Dear Desperado,
    Welcome to TP first of all. It really is an excellent place for you to get help, support and advice. From the main web site you can access information about all practical aspects of caring for your Mum, such as obtaining an EPA (enduring power of attorney), applying for Attendance Allowance, relief on council tax, etc.

    Others will come along and advise about their own experiences, including how to deal with your Mum not being able to drive any longer. Everyone experiences dementia in their own way, so no two people will be alike.

    Your Mum's behaviour may be extremely difficult to cope with, but you have to understand that it is the illness, not your Mum. Everyone finds this so difficult. None uf us are saints, so don't be too hard on yourself if you lose your rag now and again.

    Depending what happens now on the medical front, you will no doubt require the involvement of Social Services at some stage. I am only at this stage myself now, so will let other members advise you better than I am able.

    I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, and wish you all the best in caring for her. You are welcome here any time, even if it's just to let off steam.

    Best wishes.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I think if the psychiatrist doesn`t want your mother to drive, the GP will inform the DVLA.
  6. desperado

    desperado Registered User

    Apr 7, 2008
    Lancashire England
    Great support

    Thank you everyone who has replied. It's great to know there is so much support out there. One tends to feel so alone and isolated until you hear everyone else's stories. I am sure all will be well tonight when I get home - just keep positive !!!
  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Hi desperado and welcome to Talking Point.

    I'm moving your thread to the main support forum because I think you'll get more input there.
  8. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    Hi desperado

    Hi there and Welcome to TP
    I am relatively new myself and have found the site to be extremely friendly and welcoming and have had support from a number of the members who have given me some very good advice.
    Through this site I have finally had the courage to contact dads GP but my dad won't even let anyone other than myself into the house so I don't/can't ask for outside help. My mum is there also but she is terminally ill so I'm also in a bit of a termoil but TP is helping me through.
    Good luck to you because you sure are going to need it.
  9. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Hello Desperado

    Welcome to Talking Point. My husband has a dementia and I was very worried about his driving but no one had suggested that he stop driving. One day I went to see our GP and told her of some of my worries about him driving and asked her if she would write to him officially and suggest he stop driving and inform the DVLA.

    Alan doesn't know that I instigated this because I felt that our relationship was more important. When he got the letter he was upset and angry and didn't want to do it but I told him that it would be illegal to drive and he had to get used to it. It took quite some time but he's got used to it now.

    I felt very disloyal by doing this but would have felt ridiculous if he'd caused an accident and I hadn't done anything about it. I knew that he wasn't able to take the responsibility for that decision.

    I'm learning as I go along but that was one of the hardest decisions (that and stopping him using the cash point and his bank card).

    Love and best wishes

  10. Mrs Mop

    Mrs Mop Registered User

    Jan 19, 2008
    How to make sure husband and public are safe

    Helen you did the right thing but it must have been really hard .We are taking over all the things our husbands did and feel guilty about it yet what can we do. My husband tells me he couldn't manage without me and a minute later I get a lecture on how bossy I am. I dread the day I have to do something about his licence as it is all he has left. I was advised to apologise even when in the right and it sometimes works. If I walk away it can put him in the sulks for ages. Good job we love them !!

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