New and overwhelmed

[Surll]

Hi I’m Sue
I’m desperately trying to navigate choosing a care home for my Mum. It’s just so overwhelming and I’m so worried I’ll make a mistake. Trying to work out how much money we have and how long it will last and what happens when it runs out. I’m also an only child so navigating alone.

 

[Violet Jane]

Welcome to the forum.

When your mother's money runs out - actually, when her assets drop below £23,000 - the LA will start to contribute towards her care home fees. Some homes won't accept the rates that the LA pay and so do bear that in mind if your mother's assets won't last very long and she will need LA funding. Some homes will accept local authority rates if the person has been self-funding for a couple of years before they require LA funding.

In terms of choosing a home you could: (1) ask around locally, (2) speak to the elderly care nurse at your mother's surgery who might have knowledge of local homes, (3) ask Social Services for recommendations, (4) look at CQC inspection reports and (5) look at the carehome.co.uk website which is a bit like TripAdvisor. Do bear in mind that homes can change quickly and so views can become out of date.

Do visit several homes as homes can vary a lot in terms of facilities and atmosphere. Some are like hotels, some have a clinical feel and some are homely. It's easy to be attracted by facilities but do consider whether your mother is likely to use them. The quality of the care is more important than the quality of the decor and furnishings.

Visiting a care home full of people with dementia can be a bit of a shock. If you visit in the late afternoon you are likely to see the home at its 'worst' as residents will be sun downing then. Activities are usually offered in the morning, and in the early and mid afternoon you may find most of residents asleep.

It feels a big responsibility choosing a home and it's natural to worry about whether you are making the right decision. If your mother is self-funding you can change homes if you're really not happy with the one she's in.

Do keep posting for advice and support.

 

[X_5939]

The most I can suggest is visit as many as you can. My grandmother has recently just moved settings. She had been in her previous place for 4.5yrs and I cannot explain how ‘off’ things felt when I visited. She has been in her new place 2wks now and what I can tell you how much more relaxed, homely and natural it all feels. I no longer feel stressed when leaving, I feel like I’m leaving her own personal house rather than wanting to bundle her into the car with me and bring her home. - **very difficult family relationship so was unable to voice my concerns as they fell onto deaf ears, hence why I never tried to suggest moving before hand!

 

[Jake's Nan]

Hi I’m Sue
I’m desperately trying to navigate choosing a care home for my Mum. It’s just so overwhelming and I’m so worried I’ll make a mistake. Trying to work out how much money we have and how long it will last and what happens when it runs out. I’m also an only child so navigating alone.

HI, does your mum have reviews at a memory clinic? We were allocated a lovely social worker through the mental health team at the clinic. She has already said she can help us navigate the care home process when needed. Maybe try your local council, agree it's all very overwhelming and scary.

 

[Sue741215]

When I was looking for a care home for my mum I started with the CQC website and chose the ones with good reviews to visit. I think two important questions to ask are about the turnover of staff - the one I chose had obviously local staff who had been there for a while and were doing the job because they liked it rather than having no choice. The home was not purpose built - it was old with some strangely shaped rooms but it is the staff that are more important than the decor. The other thing that impressed me about the one I chose is that they immediately promised to keep her until the end - this was a brave statement for a home that was residential rather than nursing but it was their policy to keep the residents until the end of their life if at all possible as they saw them as family. You may also want to ask what happens if your funding runs out - I understand that some homes will accept the lower social services rate when someone has been resident for a couple of years.

Don't worry too much about the choice it may be that like me you will know it when you see it - you get a feel from the atmosphere and staff. I was lucky that I had sisters and it was a joint decision and it was good that we both had the same response to the place we chose. If you don't have a friend who can visit with you tell yourself that at least you can decide for yourself it must be awful to have relatives who disagree. Also don't expect to find the perfect home - there will be things that maybe you don't like or agree with but it is unlikely that your mum will feel the same.

I hope you find somewhere suitable soon - it is an extremely stressful time for you until she is settled in her new home and most do settle though sometimes it takes a little while.

 

[JHA]

Like you I am an only child and had to make all the decisions alone. Our situation was a little different in that we had reached crisis point and my mom had to be admitted on respite at very short notice so I hate to admit there was very little choice as my main priority was to ensure her safety.

Some two years later I still look back and wonder if I made the right decision but she is safe, warm and well fed. I cannot say she is happy more content - not sure she would be happy anywhere. I do at the moment have a few reservations with the care home as standards have slipped - they have been made aware and know that I am watching them closely.

Happy to chat as I know how difficult this time can be

 

[maisiecat]

My husband is in a very good Nursing home, they win lots of awards. I have watched closely how it is all managed and if I take away the extras the thing that really is noticeable is staff.
Many of the staff have been at the Home for years and there are many families working there. Staff are plentiful,bells never go unanswered and they have planty of night staff essential for my husband who is extremely disturbed at night.
My advice would be how many staff on shifts,how many on at night. If staff are off sick are they able to cover that. Don't be afraid to ask.
Good luck

 

[canary]

Hi @Surll

You have had good advice and I agree that the care is more important than the decor. I would ask homes what behaviour they would not tolerate. Many homes (even one who say they specialise in dementia care) will not accept people who have common dementia behaviour like being up at night, resistance to personal care, going into other peoples rooms or loss of mobility. Also remember that if you want the home to look after your mum until the end you will have to accept that there will be residents living there who are in very advanced stage of dementia.

My mum was in a dementia care home. The care was wonderful and they looked after her right up to the end so that she passed away in her care home tended by people she knew and trusted They would accept the LA rate if her money ran out. However, the decor was shabby and dated, there were no bells and whistles and when I first started visiting it was a bit of a culture shock due to the presence of people whose dementia was very advanced. I know that lots of people find this very distressing and want their relative to be with people are at about their own level. If you want this then you will have to accept that you will have to move your mum at some stage as the home can give 28 days notice to move her - and it may happen sooner than you think. Hence needing to know what behaviour they wont accept.

 

[Katy_did]

I’ve been looking at care homes for my Dad recently. He’s moving into one that is local to me soon. Factors that influenced my choice were its proximity to me, the CQC rating, the general feel of the place (calm and pleasant), the way staff interacted with the residents, and also that it’s run by a charity rather than run for profit.

 

[Angel55]

Hi I’m Sue
I’m desperately trying to navigate choosing a care home for my Mum. It’s just so overwhelming and I’m so worried I’ll make a mistake. Trying to work out how much money we have and how long it will last and what happens when it runs out. I’m also an only child so navigating alone.

💗 Hello Don't be worried about making a mistake. No one gets a guide to these things , people do that they can in the best way they can.

The main things lots of the other lovely posters have talked about already but I would just add its okay to stop...if you need a hour, two hours or a day and I say that because it can clear your head and it then becomes easier to begin again. I think it is important because you are navigating this alone ♥️

 

[Sarasa]

Do have a look at a few homes as they will all be very different and what suits one person won't another. A couple of years ago we were looking for both my mother and my mother in law. There was one that would have been fine for my mum as it was big and busy and would have suited her feisty nature. There was another that would have been lovely for mother in law as it had a beautiful garden. However it also had unsecured staircases which would have been a nightmare for my mobile mum, but not MiL who had very limited mobility.
Do ask about about financial security, that home closed about a year later and I was very glad neither parent had gone there, nice as though it was.

 

[Surll]

Thankyou all for your advice and suggestions. I am going to take a deep breathe, try not to look for perfect as it doesn’t exist and go with my feelings. It is hard as yes I want to find somewhere she will want to move into now but yes you are all correct that may not be right for her in the future and I really don’t want to have to move her again as that will be a huge upset for her. It does feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one who’s felt so lost, you are just so unprepared for all this. I will keep going.