1. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I experienced my first negative and hurtful comment today:(. I was at the local garden centre when I bumped into a 'friend' who I hadn't seen for quite a while. "Oh" she said " I hear that you have put Lex into a home now. He didn't seem that bad to me!" Seeing that she hasn't been to our home for years, I don't know what she based this comment on, or even how she knew of his admission to the Care Home.
    I wanted to tell her that it wasn't a decision taken lightly, but all I could do was mumble something about running late and made a hasty exit. Lots of things came to mind later of course, but it certainly cast a shadow over the rest of my day.

    Why do people think that they are all experts??????
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Hugs xx

    I don't know why, but I sat for a minute, thinking that perhaps she didn't mean it as it came out, but then I thought... She should have been more careful with her words if she didn't mean it they way they came out :mad:


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    No wonder that cast a shadow on your day. I hope she realised what she had done after you left her.
  4. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Nasty moo!
    You know you went above & beyond for your beloved Lex so just ignore her.
  5. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    That phrase 'put your husband/wife/parent in a care home' is like a slap on the face. No-one, who hasn't had to go through looking after someone with dementia and the heart rending decision making process to ensure they have the care they need when it becomes impossible at home, should ever utter those words. People can be very thoughtless and you have to be charitable I suppose and hope they never have to find out just how difficult it is. Big hug ((((((X))))))

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  6. sjg610

    sjg610 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    Perhaps the fact that this friend did not recognise how bad things were pays credit to how well you were coping. We carers are good at hiding how bad things really are and putting on a brave face. Then suddenly something changes and we have that trigger, that final event (maybe something small, maybe a major event) which lets us know that we've done our bit and it's in the best interests of the person with dementia, as well as those who love them, that they move into an environment which can provide the extra care they now need.
    Nobody takes the decision lightly and you don't need to justify that decision to anyone. It's probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do and it took massive strength to make that choice. You should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do the right thing.
  7. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    Thank you all so very much for your words. I have started to feel a little better, especially after a 'real' friend phoned for a chat and I was telling her about the encounter. She was horrified and next thing I know she was on my doorstep with a box of chocolates which we devoured over tears and hugs. It is so good to have this sort of friend to balance life out in such a special way.

  8. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    How lovely of her:)
  9. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello di l had the same remark from a so called friend whom hadn't seen hubby for at least 9mths, she must have thought about it, and sent me a card apologising for her comment, people don't always think before they speak. We just had to do it for our own sanity. Thinking of you
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    We dont put our l8ved ones into homes. Dementia robs us of the ability to care for them without help. Dementia means they need more than we can ever hope to provide. We all know how hard it to let go and admit this. We all understand as we live this. Others can never understand. We stand with you. Love quilty
  11. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    What a thoughtless thing to say (I am giving the benefit of the doubt here)! I am so glad that you have a true friend who brought chocolate and hugs. Only you know the reality of your life caring for your hubby, I do agree that the remark shows how well you had been managing the situation - but the time comes when it is impossible to give the necessary care in your own home, no matter how hard you try.

    Please look after yourself and beat that GM into submission (pity you can't do the same to the 'friend' :D ).
  12. NanLorac

    NanLorac Registered User

    May 14, 2012
    Some people just don't think before they speak. That was lovely of your friend to bring round chocolates. That is a true friend.:)
  13. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    What a lovely friend you have with the chocolates. The other acquaintance is simply that and doesn't understand dementia at all.
  14. Lucy Grace

    Lucy Grace Registered User

    Jul 24, 2015

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I get so frustrated with people who see my husband for a short while and then sit in judgement as if they know more than I do. Socially A seems ok but what people don't realise is he is talking rubbish most of the time but they believe every word and if I hear once more 'He seems fine' I will scream. My answer now is I live with him and you don't and he has no short-term memory and his world has shrunk. His children only see him for a few hours here and there and then they write to me and say he was fine with them.

    Carers have a raw deal! I do everything for my husband to make his life as good as possible but living with him is very depressing as he has no conversation - sleeps a lot of the time and the only exercise now is walking our dog.

    Good Luck

    Lucy Grace
  15. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    Thank you Lucy Grace.

    I have calmed down slightly now, and have put her into my " move on " file. I have hopefully put all those responses that I thought of afterwards in a place that I can retrieve them when faced with a similar situation - but they will probably not surface till later again :)

    Had a lovely night tonight. The Care Home held it's six monthly relatives meeting, where they hold a Q&A session. They provided wine and nibbles as well, and I must admit to having a couple of glasses before driving home. It is only a two minute drive, so made it safely:D. It is quite some time since I have allowed myself more than one glass, so this was a treat. It is so good to talk to the other relatives and the care staff - at least they know where you are coming from.

  16. Gwyneth

    Gwyneth Registered User

    Nov 25, 2015
    My thoughts

    Reading the comments below makes me realise just how quickly we learn who our true and supportive friends really are, the ones who are non-judgmental, accepting, supportive and helpful in a gentle way. One of my long standing friends, who is a qualified counsellor (lol), constantly puts my husband and me down. When I mentioned my husband was offered an 8 week cognitive stimulation course last year, (at which he was the life and soul and could have been running it!!) her response was 'well, he has deteriorated so much, hasn't he' instead of being encouraging! When I decided to join a gym to improve my fitness because that seemed an important step to boost my energy and confidence, she again put me down asking what on earth...and she couldn't see me on a treadmill for love nor money!!!! Always saying B should be learning a new skill, have an i pad, etc etc. Don't we wish they could pick up something new! Complete lack of understanding maybe. We certainly have to learn to be tough in this game. Wonderful to have somewhere to offload, share and NOT feel alone as it is a scary place to be. Xx
  17. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Hi Gwyneth. It's hard when it's a long standing friend, as you say. We went away with one of ours in May and she and her husband hadn't seen Mick for months. Pretty soon after we arrived she said, 'he's got worse'. I couldn't stop the retort of 'yes, and he will continue to. He has Alzheimer's'. I know that she replied and seemed to miss my attempt at sarcasm.
    Is it just a complete lack of awareness of others or deliberate unkindness? I can't decide with some people.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  18. Gwyneth

    Gwyneth Registered User

    Nov 25, 2015
    Hi Trisha4. Thanks for your response to my post which I somehow submitted twice!!! Got to get used to the lay out of this site. I suppose it is hard for 'outsiders' whether family or friends. It has been a huge learning curve for me and I still handle things badly with my husband most days. Whatever I say, however gentle I feel I say it, it can be misconstrued by him and he erupts. Door slamming seems to be the norm at the moment and it is like living with a moody petulant child. The last thing you want are inappropriate comments from family and friends who think they mean well but do not bear the brunt of any of this behaviour. We have just been to Australia to see a sister there for her son's wedding. My husband found the long haul this time very disorientating when a few years ago it would have easy peasy. I was still proud of him for sticking it out and tried to just chill. However the sisters from the UK who also attended went on and on and on about the fact he never knew where the toilet was and that he was excluding himself and hadn't got much to say etc. I know that but on holiday all I wanted was a bit of peace and perhaps some understanding helpfulness in spending time with him. Anyway, these blogs help me unload and at least my husband's symptoms seem to be part of the pattern, sadly. Thanks for listening.
  19. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    Ha! The most judgemental person I have ever met was a senior trainer for The Samaritans! All they ever talked about was their own problems, worse still, they asked me about mine as an opener to cutting me off to talk about theirs!!!

    And sometimes even people who have been through it themselves can be cruel. About 18 months ago my cousin phoned to see how Mum was. He cared for my Aunt until her Alzheimer's got so bad she had to go into a home. He is possibly the most tactless person on the planet so I am immensely glad I intercepted the phone. When I said things were not too bad (this was a while ago of course) and we were coping ok he replied 'Well wait till she doesn't know who you are.' Through gritted teeth I said 'I think we're a little way off that at the moment'

    'You'd be surprised!' was his gleeful response, said with almost palpable relish.

    If it weren't for the fact that I am pretty sure he has undiagnosed Asperger's I'd have said something I can't type here.... :mad:
  20. Gwyneth

    Gwyneth Registered User

    Nov 25, 2015
    That's awful. I generally find most people I meet who ask after my husband are lovely, very sympathetic to both our needs and I am grateful. Much of the time I don't want to talk about it as it is something that always weighs heavily on my mind. When I am out doing other things I need to lighten up. Today has been a really good day for both of us. Hooray! Best wishes. Gwyneth

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