Nearly Lost It

desperado

Registered User
Apr 7, 2008
42
Lancashire England
Last night Mum and I were happily clearing away the dinner things and heading for the lounge when I noticed i had a letter. I opened it and it was my bank statement. Mum wanted to see it
"Why have you got the statement for the Current Account?" (She appears to think that "Current Account" reers only to her account. I tried to explain ....... Then she disappeared and came back with all of her statements for her three acounts and the joint account (for bills). She queried everything on them and then asked why my brother and I had written on HER statements. I explained that it was to show what each withdrawal was for.
Mum: "Why did you just write on them without discussing it with me?"
Me: "We did discuss it with you!"
Mum:"NO YOU DID NOT ... DON'T LIE TO ME !!! How would you like it if i just came into your room and took your statements and wrote on them??

Me: "I wouldn't mind - you can do what you like with my things !!!"
Mum: "I'm getting fed up with all this, I'm going to see a solicitor. I don't know what you and your brother are up to !!"
Me: "We're just trying to help you"
Mum: "Oh so that's what you call it !!!"
I was starting to see red.
Me: I'm going out for a cigarette"

I came back ten minutes later and she was watching the TV and talking about the programme as if nothing had happened !! So everything was alright again.... till the next time !!!
:confused::confused::confused:
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi desperado

You did exactly the right thing, walking away from an argument. There's absolutely no point in arguing with someone with dementia, they're not going to be swayed from their beliefs, and the only person to suffer is the carer, who will be upset.

As for the person with dementia -- well, as you saw, ten minutes later they've forgotten about it -- until the next time!

Try to stay relaxed -- and I know how hard that is, especially when you're being accused of something.

Well done!:)
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,347
Kent
Well done desperado.

It`s all you need to do, just walk away. If the first attempt at reasoning doesn`t work, there`s no point trying further.

The hardest thing is to calm down and forget the conflict in the same short length of time as your mother/my husband.
 

helen.tomlinson

Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
541
Hello Desperado

I think you did really well. I haven't had this (yet?) with my husband and I don't know how I will cope if it does happen because I have a guilt complex (I feel guilty when I am not). I am sure I will remember what you did and what others have said "walk away" because it does blow over.

Well done

Love Helen :):)
 

bclark

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
68
greenhithe kent
well done desperado, i thought your post was so funny, not you or your mum but the situations we find ourselves in, you did the right thing you let the situation die down, keep well b clark:)
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Well done Desperado

As someone else said, the most difficult thing is to forget it yourself, along with the hurt & indignation of being accused of being underhand, when you are only (ONLY!) doing the very best you can for Mum.
With total understanding & sympathy ...
 

Lucille

Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
542
Hello Desperado

Know exactly what you're going through. My mum's the same, in fact now, when I mention anything to do with money it's couched in such woolly terms, I sometimes wonder what I'm talking about! :D My mum has lost her reasoning ability, so it's pointless trying to explain/argue/cajole.

Best thing is to walk away, but as you say, it's you that ends up getting stressed, because your mum forgets about it soon afterwards. Hell, isn't it?
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Hi my stepmum is just the same, she has a anwser for everything,
her favorite saying to me is you don't know half of it you always side with your dad, well yes he is doing his best to look after you, my reply is, yes I don't know half of it, I only know the right half LOL she thinks I'm agreeing with her.
 

asiya

Registered User
Apr 9, 2008
2
Hi. I have just joined this site and i fully sympathise with you. I nearly lost it yesterday with my mum who was insisting she had taken her medication. It turned into a full scale arguement and i had to leave in order to calm down. An hour later she said hello to me as if nothing had happened and took her medication as soon as i told her to. Its so damn hard seeing her this way and also very very trying for me. (Deep sigh).
 

alfjess

Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
1,213
south lanarkshire
Hi

I agree that the right thing to do is walk away if confronted by unreasonable behaviour.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do this, as when Mum started kicking off, if I had left, she would turn on my poor Dad, who also has dementia and would become so anxious, that I couldn't just leave him to the demented accusations of my Mum.

To all of you carers out there trying to look after both parents, you have my sympathy and admiration

It is not easy. Even now, when my parents are in care, there are still problems ---- and the guilt --- and the what if's -- and the, I wish.

Love
Alfjess
 

asiya

Registered User
Apr 9, 2008
2
Hi. Thanks for that. Its so good to hear from people in similar situations. You feel so alone sometimes. I was in tears today because mum was yet again being stubborn and insisting she was right when i knew she wasnt. She told me to get out and said i gave her nothing but grief. It was so hurtful to listen to but i tried telling myself its cos of her condition. Doesnt stop that initial pain though.
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Hi asiya
you say
mum was yet again being stubborn and insisting she was right when i knew she wasnt.
the problem is that, in her world, she is right and you are not. With dementia, what is 'right' to the rest of us is not relevant to the person who has dementia.

You can't argue logic or reason or anything like that as it will probably simply make things worse.

The best thing is to accept the situation, and try to work a way around it somehow, anyhow.

Argument will be counter productive and, no matter how 'right' you are, you can't win this argument.

Yes, it is very, very painful. :(
 

knackered

Registered User
Apr 8, 2008
21
Sussex
hi desperado

Oh dear, your scenario sounds so familiar!

Going for a smoke is one of my answers too (and gives me time to tend to my mother's plants!)

I joined the local swimming baths and now go off for a swim then come back afterwards by which time, of course, my mother is inhabiting a completely different mental 'room'.

This usually works quite well. Having taken out my aggression in the pool, I'm more relaxed (and hopefully a bit fitter) and she usually seems pleased to see me and more amenable to letting me help her. Strangely enough, she is quite happy to accept I have been swimming, and seems to remember it's something I do, which she has no argument with.

Perhaps there's something you could do to separate yourself when these fraught situations arise, that is actually good for YOU?

I do think that much as I try to hide it, any tension or irritations I may have are definitely detected by my mother leading to anxiety and anger in her, and the situation spirals.

Another reason for finding some way of having a Time-Out to relax!