1. desperado

    desperado Registered User

    Apr 7, 2008
    42
    Lancashire England
    Last night Mum and I were happily clearing away the dinner things and heading for the lounge when I noticed i had a letter. I opened it and it was my bank statement. Mum wanted to see it
    "Why have you got the statement for the Current Account?" (She appears to think that "Current Account" reers only to her account. I tried to explain ....... Then she disappeared and came back with all of her statements for her three acounts and the joint account (for bills). She queried everything on them and then asked why my brother and I had written on HER statements. I explained that it was to show what each withdrawal was for.
    Mum: "Why did you just write on them without discussing it with me?"
    Me: "We did discuss it with you!"
    Mum:"NO YOU DID NOT ... DON'T LIE TO ME !!! How would you like it if i just came into your room and took your statements and wrote on them??

    Me: "I wouldn't mind - you can do what you like with my things !!!"
    Mum: "I'm getting fed up with all this, I'm going to see a solicitor. I don't know what you and your brother are up to !!"
    Me: "We're just trying to help you"
    Mum: "Oh so that's what you call it !!!"
    I was starting to see red.
    Me: I'm going out for a cigarette"

    I came back ten minutes later and she was watching the TV and talking about the programme as if nothing had happened !! So everything was alright again.... till the next time !!!
    :confused::confused::confused:
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi desperado

    You did exactly the right thing, walking away from an argument. There's absolutely no point in arguing with someone with dementia, they're not going to be swayed from their beliefs, and the only person to suffer is the carer, who will be upset.

    As for the person with dementia -- well, as you saw, ten minutes later they've forgotten about it -- until the next time!

    Try to stay relaxed -- and I know how hard that is, especially when you're being accused of something.

    Well done!:)
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Well done desperado.

    It`s all you need to do, just walk away. If the first attempt at reasoning doesn`t work, there`s no point trying further.

    The hardest thing is to calm down and forget the conflict in the same short length of time as your mother/my husband.
     
  4. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Desperado

    I think you did really well. I haven't had this (yet?) with my husband and I don't know how I will cope if it does happen because I have a guilt complex (I feel guilty when I am not). I am sure I will remember what you did and what others have said "walk away" because it does blow over.

    Well done

    Love Helen :):)
     
  5. bclark

    bclark Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    68
    greenhithe kent
    well done desperado, i thought your post was so funny, not you or your mum but the situations we find ourselves in, you did the right thing you let the situation die down, keep well b clark:)
     
  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Well done Desperado

    As someone else said, the most difficult thing is to forget it yourself, along with the hurt & indignation of being accused of being underhand, when you are only (ONLY!) doing the very best you can for Mum.
    With total understanding & sympathy ...
     
  7. desperado

    desperado Registered User

    Apr 7, 2008
    42
    Lancashire England
    Thank you all you fellow "sufferers" I feel quite good about myself now !!! Better make the doors wider otherwise my head won't fit through !!!
    ;);)
     
  8. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello Desperado

    Know exactly what you're going through. My mum's the same, in fact now, when I mention anything to do with money it's couched in such woolly terms, I sometimes wonder what I'm talking about! :D My mum has lost her reasoning ability, so it's pointless trying to explain/argue/cajole.

    Best thing is to walk away, but as you say, it's you that ends up getting stressed, because your mum forgets about it soon afterwards. Hell, isn't it?
     
  9. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Hi my stepmum is just the same, she has a anwser for everything,
    her favorite saying to me is you don't know half of it you always side with your dad, well yes he is doing his best to look after you, my reply is, yes I don't know half of it, I only know the right half LOL she thinks I'm agreeing with her.
     
  10. asiya

    asiya Registered User

    Apr 9, 2008
    2
    Hi. I have just joined this site and i fully sympathise with you. I nearly lost it yesterday with my mum who was insisting she had taken her medication. It turned into a full scale arguement and i had to leave in order to calm down. An hour later she said hello to me as if nothing had happened and took her medication as soon as i told her to. Its so damn hard seeing her this way and also very very trying for me. (Deep sigh).
     
  11. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    I agree that the right thing to do is walk away if confronted by unreasonable behaviour.

    Unfortunately, I couldn't do this, as when Mum started kicking off, if I had left, she would turn on my poor Dad, who also has dementia and would become so anxious, that I couldn't just leave him to the demented accusations of my Mum.

    To all of you carers out there trying to look after both parents, you have my sympathy and admiration

    It is not easy. Even now, when my parents are in care, there are still problems ---- and the guilt --- and the what if's -- and the, I wish.

    Love
    Alfjess
     
  12. asiya

    asiya Registered User

    Apr 9, 2008
    2
    Hi. Thanks for that. Its so good to hear from people in similar situations. You feel so alone sometimes. I was in tears today because mum was yet again being stubborn and insisting she was right when i knew she wasnt. She told me to get out and said i gave her nothing but grief. It was so hurtful to listen to but i tried telling myself its cos of her condition. Doesnt stop that initial pain though.
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi asiya
    you say
    the problem is that, in her world, she is right and you are not. With dementia, what is 'right' to the rest of us is not relevant to the person who has dementia.

    You can't argue logic or reason or anything like that as it will probably simply make things worse.

    The best thing is to accept the situation, and try to work a way around it somehow, anyhow.

    Argument will be counter productive and, no matter how 'right' you are, you can't win this argument.

    Yes, it is very, very painful. :(
     
  14. knackered

    knackered Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    21
    Sussex
    hi desperado

    Oh dear, your scenario sounds so familiar!

    Going for a smoke is one of my answers too (and gives me time to tend to my mother's plants!)

    I joined the local swimming baths and now go off for a swim then come back afterwards by which time, of course, my mother is inhabiting a completely different mental 'room'.

    This usually works quite well. Having taken out my aggression in the pool, I'm more relaxed (and hopefully a bit fitter) and she usually seems pleased to see me and more amenable to letting me help her. Strangely enough, she is quite happy to accept I have been swimming, and seems to remember it's something I do, which she has no argument with.

    Perhaps there's something you could do to separate yourself when these fraught situations arise, that is actually good for YOU?

    I do think that much as I try to hide it, any tension or irritations I may have are definitely detected by my mother leading to anxiety and anger in her, and the situation spirals.

    Another reason for finding some way of having a Time-Out to relax!
     

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