Nearly a Year

[Natashalou]

Since mum died and probably nearly as long since I visited here...it wasnt meant to be this way . My relationship as anyone who remembers me might know wasnt great with mum pre dementia and was unbearable post dementia.
I cant honestly say I miss "her" but I seem unable to come to terms with it all . I am increasingly bewlidered and think the reverse is happening , usually people see the deceased through rose tinted spectacles , whereas I keep thinking how in the world cold she have been that bad ? And angry with myself that I can never now try to ask her why she behaved as she did .

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Natashlou, I think I can understand a little of where you are now. If you also remember me (!) I too had a difficult relationship with mum pre-dementia (only mine changed to a very loving one as the disease took hold) and some TWO years on I am still trying to work through why she was as she was .... and now with professional help.

I, too, have a sense that to admit to her ‘faults’ and our problems previously I am somehow ‘speaking ill of the dead’. I find myself seeking ‘excuses’ for her rather than reasons ... and cling on to them .. perhaps because I am still trying to recreate in my mind a perfect mother/daughter relationship I craved but didn’t have?

I appreciate the sense of not being able to question or validate anymore but I also look at it that if I find some resolution that sits comfortably for me – she is not here to argue otherwise! (God rest her soul).

Take care, love, Karen, x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

And angry with myself that I can never now try to ask her why she behaved as she did .

Natasha, I do remember you and your difficult relationship with your mother.

But why be angry with yourself now? I very much doubt she would have been able to answer your questions in any way at all. I think you did a phenomenal job caring for someone with whom you didn't have a good relationship. So very many other people would have simply walked away. That walking away may be neither right nor wrong - there's so much we here don't know about.

But you persevered - you made a conscious, voluntary choice to care for her and you continued to care for her. You deserve recognition for the difficult time you had and the choices you made.

I had a wonderful relationship with my mother pre-AD and then we had a few hellish years, which seemed to last forever. Now she's in the last stages and she's smiling and content. At least I had the good relationship.

My sister, on the other hand, always had a strained relationship with Mum. Ironically, it was once AD set in that Carole had a much better time with Mum. She often has said that it took Alzheimer's for her to have the relationship she wanted with her mother.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Natasha

You know I didn`t have a good relationship with my mother either. She wasn`t `bad` just selfish and ignorant.
Like you, I did my duty, but when she died was able to let it go. Please try to do the same. You have a lot of life to live to make up for the bad times.

 

[lin1]

I am sorry your mums relationshio with you her daughter, was bad.
I have not read your other posts

But will say not every woman is a natural mother and its always the children that suffer.

From peoples posts who remember you , I see you did well by your mum and thats not easy is it. You were there for her when some would have turned there backs .

Try to let the anger go, not easy I know
Be at oeace with yourself you did more than your best .

 

[Helen33]

Dear Natasha,

I remember you too. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the letting go of 'hope'. One might not even know that one is clinging to 'hope'. Hope can have a silent stronghold - hope for things to be different. When someone dies we then have to let our hope go and this can be very difficult when the relationship has been difficult. It can also be very difficult for some people to live with 'never knowing'. It really is an achievement to be able to learn to live with non knowing 'why' to some things.

I hope you will find it a positive experience to have re-visited TP Natasha

Love

 

[Padraig]

Strangers

One of the sad facts of life is that we can't chose our parents. It is only in the past few months that I have discovered so very much about my birth mother and father. It has taken over a year of research. I met her briefly for the first time when I was sixteen. The story is both shocking and amazing; too long to relate here. Suffice to say that she was the main prosecution witness in court that resulted in both my seven year old sister and I being sentenced to 9 and 14 years detention respectively. She lied about our father; stating that he deserted her and the family. He in fact gave her a handsome sum of money prior to work in the UK and with her agreement placed the two of us with his parents. It was during the depression of the 1930s. She removed us from the custody of his parents.
On his return home he was arrested and appeared in court. All charges were dropped when under cross-examination our mother admitted she lied. He fought to get his children back and after two years managed to get my sister out on license. A year later the mother reported to the Gardai (police) that her daughter was attending a Protestant School and the license was revoked. Because he refused to hand back his daughter it was considered to be in my best interest that no family member should have contact with me in the other end of the country,and so it remained. She did far worse things. I left for the UK in Oct 1947 and never heard from her. Strangely, she died 1983 in Salford Manchester age 83! Many that read the full story would say she was an evil woman. I feel sad for her and pray she is forgiven. She showed me the hurt and pain caused through the lack of love and nurturing. It made me all the more determined to protect and love all my family, and to love the vulnerable all the more.