Nearly a year since my Dad passed

[pahaps]

I lost my Dad about this time last year and although I still have very painful memories of his last weeks, I am also able to dwell on the the many positive aspects of my relationship with him. I also have a wife and kids who all really loved my old man and are able to share positive memories with me.
If you're in pain and missing a loved one then I hope that it becomes easier for you. I haven't been on here for a while but I remain grateful for all the kind words from members that helped me through a very difficult period in my life. Best wishes to you all.

 

[Soobee]

Thank you for your post, pahaps. When you can think about positive memories, I find it makes the harder times just a little bit easier to get through.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi there, nice to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear that your family is able to come together to generate positive memories of your dad. I lost my Mum nearly 4 months ago now and this forum has been such a support. Strangers really, who really have nothing but dementia-in-their-lives in common and who therefore understand. Wishing you all the best.

 

[pahaps]

It shows how supportive this community is that even though I've not posted for months there are still good people out there who are ready with a positive message. There isn't a day goes by when I don't briefly forget my Dad has gone and I think that I might just phone up for a chat. Sounds stupid I know. Being able to come on here and say this (or anything for that matter) is really important especially when it might be difficult to articulate that to friends and family without bringing everyone down.
Thanks again.

 

[BMitchell]

I'm a new member here and it warms my heart to see messages like this, because it is a testament to how supportive everyone can be. I hope you continue to hold onto those amazing memories so they get you and your family through. I joined so that I could get that kind of support to help me be a better care giver, and from what you're all saying it looks like that is the case. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family, and anyone else on here who needs the support. I know I will at some point.

 

[canary]

Hello pahaps - its good to hear from you again and Im glad you can start to dwell on the good things in your reationship again
My mum passed away nearly 6 months ago and its still quite raw, but the people on here are wonderful
xx

Welcome to @BMitchell.- do post your own thread telling us a bit about yourself so that we can welcome you properly

 

[BMitchell]

Hello pahaps - its good to hear from you again and Im glad you can start to dwell on the good things in your reationship again
My mum passed away nearly 6 months ago and its still quite raw, but the people on here are wonderful
xx

Welcome to @BMitchell.- do post your own thread telling us a bit about yourself so that we can welcome you properly

Thank you @canary! I will make sure to make an introductory post soon, I got sidetracked reading through other peoples experiences and letting my mind wander. I am sorry about your loss by the way. I hope this forum serves as a good support system.

 

[Amy in the US]

Pahaps, certainly I remember you and your posts. Thank you for the update. I hope you and your family are all as well as possible.

Anniversaries are hard, there's no getting around that.

I don't think it sounds at all stupid, about forgetting your dad is gone and starting to pick up the phone for a chat. I definitely went through the same thing when my father died (20 years ago next year, not that I'm counting). It takes time to adjust and we all grieve in our own way and in our own good time. Unfortunately, lots of people don't understand that and think we should be on some sort of timetable, which is unhelpful.

One of the things I love about Talking Point is that it's a safe place to talk about whatever is on our minds.

I agree that being able to share memories with other people can be a real comfort. That's a good reminder; thank you!

Very best wishes to you and yours and please, stop in anytime. TP is always open! (Except when they upgrade, but let's hope they don't do that again until I get used to the changes.)

 

[pahaps]

Thanks to all the people who posted on this thread yesterday. Good to hear from you all again and new members too.

I was just thinking in work today how hurtful it was when last year lots of my colleagues (but not all of them) seemed to be totally unaware of my pain when my Dad passed even though they were aware that it had happened and that I'd been away on compassionate leave. Even good friends. Many actively avoided me and said not a word of condolence. I was shocked and hurt.
As the year has progressed I've come to realise that although one or two people are just not that empathetic, most were unable to find the words to console me and so avoided the issue. I don't know what you think but I'd have preferred an inarticulate word or two or a silent hug.
I'd urge anyone to reach out and offer words or acts of kindness to those you work with who have lost someone close. A minute of your time is really valuable and will live long in the memory.
It's been a busy day and after a bike ride home and a quick shower, writing this is a good way to reflect and gather my thoughts. Sorry if it seems trivial.
Have a great weekend people.

 

[pahaps]

I'm travelling with my wife and two of my kids up North to visit my Mum tomorrow. She is in ill health and finding the loss of my Dad increasingly difficult. She has been seeing a counsellor to help in dealing with conflicting emotions of anger and loss and has recently started to sound like she's giving up. My relationship with her continues to be difficult and tense but I really hope our visit is a positive one. The last time was very challenging. I want my kids to be able to re-establish a bond with my Mum that has become very fragile in the year since my Dad passed. My wife too. She has endured some dreadful behaviour from my Mum over the years and it is amazing to think how much she is willing to forget that so we can maintain a relationship.
Currently on the prosseco to calm the nerves. Or something!

 

[HillyBilly]

Oo er, good luck and well done on at least putting in the effort.
Stop off en route for more supplies of prosecco would be my advice!

 

[canary]

Fingers, toes, eyes and legs all crossed that it goes well

 

[pahaps]

Thank you to both of you for those messages. Deffo crossing my fingers for a happy time. Plenty to do in Liverpool if it doesn't go to plan.

 

[pahaps]

At my Mum's (see my post from yesterday). While it is far from being the worst time I've spent with her, she has decided to go out tonight! We've travelled 250 miles and last saw her about 6 months ago. We're only able to stay two nights so for her to do that means she won't see as much of her grandkids. The whole purpose of us visiting was to re-establish bonds and spend quality time perhaps reminiscing about my Dad. Ho hum. It's not surprising but I'm more puzzled than hurt.
One thing that got me emotional was a small leather wallet/pouch which she'd found in my Dad's stuff. It contained a times tables book and a little poetry/ handwriting book from primary school. At first I thought it was Dad's then it became apparent that it had actually belonged to his youngest sibling (little brother Alan who had died when he was only about 9 or 10). Dad had kept it all these years and I'd never seen it. It was perhaps the most poignant item I've ever looked at and I became instantly tearful.
Needed a bit of an old cry but it caught me unawares.

 

[HillyBilly]

Was your Mum's going out pre-organised on her part? As in a regular thing she does on a Tuesday? Or do you think there is some ulterior motive? Are you all staying with her? Maybe she feels a bit overwhelmed.
Sorry to hear you've had a bit of a cry over a random item but isn't that a very lovely thing to have found, especially as your Dad obviously treasured it.

 

[canary]

Oh well, pahaps, it could be worse. I think Id be bemused too.
Yes, very poignant about the wallet.

 

[pahaps]

We're all staying at a hotel nearby and her night out was organised this morning. Mum's known we've been coming for a couple of weeks. I'm not feeling very cut up about it just a bit sad that my two boys might be a bit baffled by it all.
Hope tomorrow we can re-connect and have a good day. Gotta stay optimistic people. I've had a couple of G+Ts. Takes the edge off any situation.