My wife has dementia, and it reached the stage last month, when she has had to move into a care home. I am now 73 , she is 71, and we’d been together since she was 15. I am lost without her. My children are great - do what they can- but one lives in California and the other in Paris, so there’s no physical contact with them. I went to visit my wife yesterday and she wouldn’t come down to see me. No amount of cajoling by her carers would make her budge. She doesn’t know me. I find being at home with memories all around me, and with Christmas coming unbearable. I’m just sad and unhappy all the time.
My wife has moved to a care home.
- Thread starter DavidDymamite
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Hello @DavidDymamite and welcome to TP although I’m sorry than circumstances have escalated to the position that you find yourself in.
Have you thought about asking your GP for a referral for some counselling?
Have you told your children how you are feeling? None of us like to admit when we find ourselves feeling so sad and unhappy all the time..
Now you have found the forum I hope you will continue to post as many of the members will be able to relate to your situation and will be able to offer help and support.
Have you thought about asking your GP for a referral for some counselling?
Have you told your children how you are feeling? None of us like to admit when we find ourselves feeling so sad and unhappy all the time..
Now you have found the forum I hope you will continue to post as many of the members will be able to relate to your situation and will be able to offer help and support.
So sorry to read about what has happened - I hope that you will be able to see your wife at some point in the future. It's so hard for people with dementia to 'imagine ahead'. But her mood may change - let's hope so - and things get easier once the pandemic is over.
There are a lot of very nice people on here who gave me support when my mother had to move into a care home. You are in a very difficult period of your life and need to find some company for yourself to tide yourself over - talking with neighbours or friends on the phone, zoom hobbies, something that will engross your mind. I think it's a good idea to approach your gp for counselling as nellbelles suggests.
Thinking of you - please do come on here often and tell us how you are. xx
There are a lot of very nice people on here who gave me support when my mother had to move into a care home. You are in a very difficult period of your life and need to find some company for yourself to tide yourself over - talking with neighbours or friends on the phone, zoom hobbies, something that will engross your mind. I think it's a good idea to approach your gp for counselling as nellbelles suggests.
Thinking of you - please do come on here often and tell us how you are. xx
Hi David,
I don’t have much in the way of advice to offer but I didn’t want to read your post and not reply as your sadness is palpable.
I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. You must just be so lost without her. And you will have so much more time on your hands too now that you aren’t caring for her. For this to happen during a pandemic will be so much worse.
My mum moved to a care home less than a week ago and I feel grief stricken right now. But she didn’t live with me so it’s a different situation altogether.
Someone else suggested a video call, have you asked about that? And can they send you some pictures or videos so that you can see she is ok?
Do you have friends or extended family you can speak to?
I am in Scotland and have called the Alzheimer’s Scotland helpline in the past for advice - they have carers groups and other supports available - it might be worthwhile seeing what’s available near you. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel or ask for support. You will have been through so much and it’s important to pay attention to your needs too.
Sending you lots of strength to get through this awful time.
I don’t have much in the way of advice to offer but I didn’t want to read your post and not reply as your sadness is palpable.
I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. You must just be so lost without her. And you will have so much more time on your hands too now that you aren’t caring for her. For this to happen during a pandemic will be so much worse.
My mum moved to a care home less than a week ago and I feel grief stricken right now. But she didn’t live with me so it’s a different situation altogether.
Someone else suggested a video call, have you asked about that? And can they send you some pictures or videos so that you can see she is ok?
Do you have friends or extended family you can speak to?
I am in Scotland and have called the Alzheimer’s Scotland helpline in the past for advice - they have carers groups and other supports available - it might be worthwhile seeing what’s available near you. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel or ask for support. You will have been through so much and it’s important to pay attention to your needs too.
Sending you lots of strength to get through this awful time.
Hello @DavidDymamite . I'm sorry you're feeling so lost. I hope that your next visit is more successful. I know it's not the same but my mum can be a different person from day to day, even hour to hour, sometimes refusing to see me one day and welcoming me the next, sometimes she knows I am her daughter and sometimes thinks I am her sister, so you may have a completely different experience next time. I see you've already had good advice so am just going to say keep posting for support. There are lots of people out here who understand.
I know exactly how you feel - its the combination of not being able to meet her care needs any longer, plus suddenly being on your own in the house (after so so many years together).
My wife was 68 when she got a bad UTI whilst on 2 weeks respite care last August. Although her mobility was declining, I was still able to get her up and down the stairs, plus down to our local pub at the weekends. The UTI meant she could no longer stand or get about and so it was decided she needed to move into a nursing home.
That was last September and I remember feeling totally lost in the house on my own. My daily visits were at least okay, but following another UTI in mid December, she went even further downhill (Christmas was very difficult, as she slept through virtually all of my visit). Sadly, she passed away mid January, having just turned 69.
I am lucky in that our two sons live locally and I have very supportive friends and family around me too but like you, it has been very hard living in the house without her, reminded of the wonderful years we spent together. All I can say is that my way of coping, was to get out and about as much as I could (not easy, given the first lockdown came a month after her funeral). I have been very determined that I am not going to fall into the dark depths of grief and become a victim of this horrible disease (she wouldn't have wanted me to). I decided that after 36 years, I am going to move and if it all goes through, I will be moving to a nice bungalow a couple of miles from here. This fresh start, I hope, will help me to move on.
I do hope once your wife settles in, your visits will better and you get adjusted to your new situation.
Kind regards
Phil
hi David, im so sorry for your loss (because it is a loss really). I’m 53 and my husband died suddenly in December 2015 and I’d been with him since I was 17 In the next 9 months my younger brother and my Mum died too. My Mum had suffered with dementia for the previous 6 years. I’m now experiencing the loss of my dad through dementia.
the loss of the person you knew and loved is awful. She might just have felt tired and unwell that day, maybe another visit could be different.
I can’t pretend that I know how you feel, I don’t and everyone deals with things differently and at the moment the restrictions make everything so much harder plus this time of year (although no one has a xmas like the bloody films and adverts make out ?) I know for me it would have been so much more difficult for me in lockdown. As you’re on your own are you able to join in a household bubble with someone else ?
i agree with a lot of Philbo comments. It’s so hard but if you can meet friends for socially distanced walks then give it a go. I’m not into zoom but I’m in a group chat with friends and we have quizzes.
I’m a massive advocate of counselling and I’ve been fortunate that I could pay privately. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, friends and your GP.
I don’t know what else to say but take care xx
the loss of the person you knew and loved is awful. She might just have felt tired and unwell that day, maybe another visit could be different.
I can’t pretend that I know how you feel, I don’t and everyone deals with things differently and at the moment the restrictions make everything so much harder plus this time of year (although no one has a xmas like the bloody films and adverts make out ?) I know for me it would have been so much more difficult for me in lockdown. As you’re on your own are you able to join in a household bubble with someone else ?
i agree with a lot of Philbo comments. It’s so hard but if you can meet friends for socially distanced walks then give it a go. I’m not into zoom but I’m in a group chat with friends and we have quizzes.
I’m a massive advocate of counselling and I’ve been fortunate that I could pay privately. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, friends and your GP.
I don’t know what else to say but take care xx
Hello David
ive just come across your post after looking for similar experiences from other posters this morning. I’m feeling miserable this morning so i can know of some thing you’re going through. I felt i just had to reply.
Im about the same age as you and my wife is a little older. Your experience at this stage is one i went through about 16 months ago. My wife is in a home and went in around the end of August last year. Like you my wife doesn’t know me, hasn’t done so since Easter 2019 but she sees someone who she recognises now as a familiar face.
Its no good me telling you that things improve over time, or try and keep busy, or advising you of things to cheer you up, because all i wanted to do ( and still do) when she went in was to cry, question and find it impossible to accept the situation. Things do get better ( a bit) over time but i know that will be of no comfort to you now. There’s a number of books that you might try that i’ve found helpful and honest ( Its ok that you’re not ok ....Megan Devine and You’ll get over it ....Virginia Ironside) both pull no punches and do not rest on platitudes.
My other suggestions for support are Admiral Nurses who will listen and advise as they have professional knowledge of what we’re going through ( details on Dementia UK web site), the Alzheimer helpline, Samaritans not so much but handy at 4 in the morning, and of course here on the Forum who have been a lifeline ( literally) for me. The Forum posters are angels and we’re all here to help one another and can say anything to each other that might help day by day.
I felt personally that the more honest i was to myself that is NORMAL to feel bloody awful about everything then i could start to accept it ( feeling miserable I mean, not my wife in the home, thats going to take a considerable time longer).
If it helps i would be more than willing to keep in touch if you feel it useful. I’m on here most days moaning about something that’s upsetting me
Peter
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David, hi again. Couple of other things I didn’t mention. My counsellor ( i’m seeing her twice a week) has advised me that accumulating grief books isn’t helping me ( read them if it helps you and i can recommend some if you feel interested) and instead has suggested a book on Self Compassion by Kristen Neff. I’m finding i need a lot of this because i repeatedly blame myself and generally beat myself up about the situation. And a counsellor could be useful but only those who have experience in our type upset.
Hope some of this helps
ps one more thing. Get yourself down to the doctors asap and ask their advice. i was given sleeping tablets ( ok but wakes you at 4 in the morning), anti depressants ( they take a while to kick in) and general emotional support. They do worry about you so they should keep an eye on you.
Peter
Hope some of this helps
ps one more thing. Get yourself down to the doctors asap and ask their advice. i was given sleeping tablets ( ok but wakes you at 4 in the morning), anti depressants ( they take a while to kick in) and general emotional support. They do worry about you so they should keep an eye on you.
Peter
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Hi Peter, just read your posts and thought they were very honest. I bought the book “it’s ok not to be ok” but just found it too intense. So I might try the one you suggest. When my mum was first diagnosed I was able to to access counselling through my job and when I was told that it was completely normal to be so upset it made me feel a bit better. But it’s still so difficult and I get very angry that I’ve had to cope with my losses and now my Dad. I hope that David sees your message x
Hello @DavidDymamite. My name is Peter and I’ve gone through very similar circumstances to you. My wife of 30 years has been in a home for about 18 months now. She, like yours, doesn’t know me.
I’ve been through all the rollercoaster of emotions and still find that the smallest reminders of her in our house turns me into a crying wreck. “Why us, why couldn’t you of stayed here with me ,etc”. I’m lonely and regret all the bad times and can’t now remember her as my normal wife talking, laughing, singing, just making conversation. Shes fine In the home, it’s me who has to pick up the pieces.
I’d love to say something to make you feel better, dementia being so cruel. Some comfort can be got from your wife now being safe, you have a crowd of people looking after her, not just you. It’s you, like me, that needs hope of some acceptance, some sense of all this and a virtual arm round your shoulder when you’re really down.
Please reach out if you want and I’ll try to offer what little advice I can from my horrible experience with this dementia journey.
@DavidDymamite I hope by now you're starting to feel better. My husband went into care in October and I went through exactly what you're experiencing. All I can say is cry all you want, but it truly does get better. I would have MH home in a heartbeat, but being realistic I know I couldn't cope and have had to accept that we can't change where Life takes us. I have terrible regrets, but I can't keep beating myself up. I am lucky in that MH still recognises me, but I know that this won't last. Just have to steel myself for the inevitable.
Hi @DavidDymamite
I’m not sure where we both are at the moment with this dementia journey but I’d like to help if I can. My circumstances are similar ( can never be exact) in that my wife is also in a home and I struggle every day with the grief and loss I suffer.
If you want to reply perhaps I can share with you some bloke chat. Please consider getting in touch
Peter
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