My spouse runs away

[Jfeems]

My spouse is in third year of dementia. He has begun to run away. 911 is called to collect him and bring him back. Wednesday he was taken to hospital. Officer asked his name and he said he didn’t know it. Also asked if he wanted to come inside house. He said no that he would leave again after officer left.

He is also now incontinant, won’t take prescribed meds, is somewhat combative, won’t go to doctor. I am going to have him placed in a nursing home. He is 80. I am 74. My 40 year old son put his life aside to care for his Dad during the day while I work. It is becoming more than we can handle. I feel guilty, I am afraid of so many things. Can I make it in my own, will he hate me. Am I doing the right thing. Am I being selfish because I don’t want the drama I have to go through daily with him at home. So many questions. I have been in this marriage 54 years to a person who controlled my very being
And now do I see this as a way to have freedom
I’m scared to let go and scared not to.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Jfeems and welcome, although sorry that you and your son are having such a difficult time at the moment. You will find that this is a friendly and supportive place where people understand. It sounds as if you have made the right decision to keep your spouse safe, as leaving the house on his own is placing him at risk and he has now reached the stage where a team of people are needed to keep him safe. You are not being selfish to want the best care for him. It may take some time for him to settle into a new environment but you will still be involved in his care to some extent, and can go back to having a relationship as a partner - and son - rather than exhausted carers. I'm in a slightly different position as my mum, not partner, is in a nursing home but I'm sure that others will be along to share their experiences, you are not alone here.

 

[canary]

Hello @Jfeems

It sounds to me as though a nursing home is the right thing for your husband.
Someone with dementias needs grow and grow as the disease progresses and eventually it is too much for one person to handle on their own. Keep leaving their home and having to get the police involved is a huge red flag that it is now impossible to keep him safe at home.

None of this is your fault - it is the dementia that he become too much for you. If he had a physical disease, like appendicitis you wouldnt think twice about taking him to hospital and leaving him there with doctors and nurses because you would know that you cant deal with it. This is the same - it is now more than you can manage and needs a team of trained, experienced staff working in teams around the clock to care for him. It is not selfishness
xx