MY son's wedding & my Mum couldn't go.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mother goose, Jun 14, 2015.

  1. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    My Mum has been in N/H for 7 months & thankfully, settled. We live in Ireland & our son got married last sat in England. Many months ago, I spoke to my brother about our Mum going to the wedding. I said, my husband & myself would take her over on the plane & if he & his wife would look after her for the few days, as they lived nearby. Our son really wanted his Nan to be at his wedding.

    He said, I'm sure we'll sort something out & I rang him many times the last few months & he never mentioned looking after our Mum. He hardly ever rings her, it's me that always rings him & when his wife had breast cancer 18 months ago, I rang every 2 weeks to see how she was doing. I hadn't heard from him for 2 months, as I've stopped doing all the ringing. Our son's wedding was last sat & my brother rang me 6 days before the wedding & didn't ask how our Mum was. At the end of the conversation, he asked what did I decide to do about Mum at the wedding. I was upset & said, what could I do, I'd asked you ages ago if you'd look after her & you didn't do anything about it.

    Sadly, my Mum couldn't go to the wedding anyway, as she got the MRSA bug 2 weeks ago & also the nurse & GP suggested we didn't take her as she would be out of her routine & it would be like starting all over again, when we got back. They also suggested not to tell her about the wedding, which was hard keeping it to myself. It would have been too much for her, but so sad as she would have really enjoyed the day & seeing her 3 grandsons & 2 great-grandchildren. My husband & myself were very busy on the friday & wedding morning helping our son & daughter in law with the last few jobs to do.

    My brother & his wife were at the wedding & I was even more upset, as neither of them asked how our Mum was, especially having the MRSA. They kept to themselves, with their son & daughter in law. They hardly spoke to my husband's family, who they know quite well.

    We got back home to Ireland on monday afternoon & I went into to see my Mum on way home from the airport. Her memory is so bad now, she didn't mention that I hadn't been in. The hard thing for me is when I visited her on friday, she asked if I'd spoken to my brother. I felt so sad, she'd have been upset to think that I saw him on sat at the wedding & she wasn't there. I said, yes I have spoken to him & I asked if she'd heard from him, knowing full well that she hadn't. I asked her how she felt, that he doesn't ring her, she said, out of sight, out of mind. So very true, but all my growing up years, my brother could do no wrong, yet did nothing. My husband & myself, have looked after my mum last 2 years, until she went into N/H. We pay her bills etc & keep her bungalow going that is being rented out & deal with her needs for the N/H. It seems so one sided, I'm sure it's like that in a lot of families.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,489
    Female
    London
    I think under the circumstances the wedding attendance would have been too much upheaval for your mother, though that doesn't excuse your brother's attitude.

    A lot of family members cope by sticking their head in the sand, convincing themselves that their loved ones don't notice their absence anyway due to the nature of their illness. That may or may not be true but of course they fail to see the consequences of their non-actions on the other family members. Pity them, they don't know any better.
     
  3. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    4,013
    Essex
    #3 ellejay, Jun 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2015
    I'm sorry things couldn't go as you would have wished Mother goose, but hope you had a lovely time with your son .

    I do think that it was probably right that your mum didn't go, the amount of people moving around , unfamiliar place & music would have maybe confused your mum.

    As for your brother, well, there are a lot like him, sadly. I would guess that the one most upset is you, so for your protection, please try to put his behaviour in the " Well, that's how it is " pile.

    You won't change his attitude & will just give yourself more agro thinking about it.

    Take care

    Lin x
     
  4. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    My brother & his wife obviously didn't want to look after our Mum, for the few days. Yes, it would have been too much for her to attend the wedding.
     
  5. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland





    We did have a lovely day with our son, thank you, Lin. Our eldest son & his family were there too, it was also lovely to see them & our other 2 grandchildren. Our 4 little grandchildren were part of the wedding, our 2 little granddaughters' were flower girls & our 2 toddler grandsons, were pageboys & they all made the day more special.

    It was the right decision for my Mum not to go as you mentioned, with a lot of people & the loud music. Yes, I am the one most upset about my brother & his wife obviously not wanting to look after our Mum, for the few days. One of the carers at the N/H suggested I show her some photos of the wedding. That's the hardest part, I couldn't do that, as it would upset her more if she knew she wasn't there for it. She would've expected to stay with my brother & his wife too.
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I'm so sorry that your mum couldn't go to the wedding, and I'm sorry for your brother's attitude, too. I wonder if his wife being poorly with cancer not so long ago had anything to do with it - perhaps they felt they just weren't up to the responsibility? He could have talked to you about it, though, couldn't he? Please forgive me if I'm presuming too much. I wish I could find the right words to comfort you over this sad situation.

    My daughter's getting married next year and I don't think my mam, her nana, will be able to go. It will be heartbreaking for my dad to attend his granddaughter's wedding without his wife by his side.

    In her previous life my mam would have been ecstatic at the thought of H getting married and it's horrible to think that now she probably has no awareness or understanding of these sort of occasions.
     
  7. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you for your reply, College girl. Your right, my brother could have talked to me about it. About 2 years ago, my husband & myself went over to England to visit our sons' & their families. We told my brother & his wife we were going over & we even went past the motorway at the bottom of their road. But there was no mention of us, being invited to them at all. If we knew they were coming over to Ireland, we wouldn't have hesitated to invite them to our home. Last Oct they came over & we collected them at the airport, to save them getting a hire car. We had them to stay with us & cooked for them & took them out.

    Their own son got married 3 years ago, long before his wife had cancer. As we were going to be staying in a hotel in England, it would've been too much for our Mum. I asked my brother & his wife then, if they could look after our Mum, in their own home for the few days. I was told they had too many people staying. It turned out, that it was only the best man & the spare room was empty. It's like they don't want to be involved in helping at all. Sadly, our Mum didn't get to go to that wedding either & she didn't have alzheimers then.

    That's hard for you too, when your daughter's getting married next year. It's so difficult for us being the daughters'. I do hope your Mum keeps well. The alzheimers is such a horrible disease, it certainly changes the person affected by it.
     
  8. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Mother goose, I'm so sorry your mum couldn't go to your son's wedding. Family is important to me too, and I also have a brother who is more or less totally 'invisible'. I try to keep him up to date on mum's condition, but he never phones or emails me to ask about her, or indeed to ask me if he can do anything. So upsetting......to me it's just a given that you'd offer to help out friends and family.

    My daughter is getting married in London in September and mum won't be able to go. Like you, I struggle to know how much to chat about it. I want to include her, and yet feel that in talking about it, I am emphasising the fact that she is really too ill to go. It seems like a no win situation, really.

    I'm glad your son's wedding went well and that you were able to travel and enjoy it.

    All the best

    Lindy xx
     
  9. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland





    Thank you for your reply Lindy. I really feel for you, if your in the same position as me, with your brother. I was phoning my brother every few weeks & also kept him up to date. But he hardly ever rings me to ask how our Mum is, which like you is hard to deal with.

    It's a shame that your Mum won't be able to go to your daughter's wedding either. If only we could talk about it to our Mums', but that would be too upsetting for them.
    My Mum knew last year, that our son was getting married. She's obviously forgotten & I'm worried if she asks about it, I won't know what to say. My husband suggested that If she asks, to tell her that they are already married & that she couldn't go as in the N/H. If she knew the truth, that her son & wife decided they couldn't have her to stay, she wouldn't be very happy.
     
  10. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Oh yessss, my brother! He lives two hours' drive away from us, by the sea, and in 30+ years, has never invited mum down. (This goes way beyond mum being unwell). I once asked if we could call in one weekend, and although he and his wife agreed, we were made so unwelcome, we've never repeated the trip. They'd got absolutely no extra food in, for example.....even my brother was embarrassed enough to eventually go and get a takeaway!

    When dad was critically ill 12 years ago, of course I called my brother and he did come up. There was a grand reconciliation, he was full of remorse, mum forgave him and he said 'things would be different from now on'. Stupidly we hoped they would be.....but no :( He now comes about 3 times a year and I provide the hospitality...

    Oh, don't get me started!!!!.....I'll never finish

    Meanwhile, my daughters and I are so sad that mum can't go to her grandaughter's wedding. They have always been very close and love each other very much. But mum struggles to get through each day as it is, with 100% routine, a toilet that is just yards from her chair, etc. She knows that A is getting married, but can't remember when or where, or share in any of the excitement. So sad.

    Re your mum and what to say if she asks about it. It's a hard one, but I'd say your hubby is thinking along the right lines. Would she accept that she was too unwell to go? I do hope she never asks, for your sake :)

    Take care

    Lindy xx
     
  11. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    So very sad for you. I suppose one of the 'advantages' of advanced dementia, if there ever could be said to be such a thing, is that you no longer have the dilemma and heart-searching over whether someone is up to going to a big 'do' or not. Our elder daughter got married last Saturday and my mother is way past the stage where we could even think about taking her - it was out of the question. Same daughter had her first baby, our first grandchild, 6 weeks previously and it meant nothing to my mother, nothing.

    I must be so well inured to it now, because these things don't even make me sad any more. I 'lost' my mother so long ago.
     
  12. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    I'm sorry your mum has reached this point, witzend. As you say, we decide everything issue by issue. I truly do try to appreciate my mum while we have her in her current state. This is easier when visiting her, much harder when the real world intrudes, in the shape of a wedding, Christmas or anything similar. And each member of the family that loves her, has to accommodate and understand in their own way.

    All the best to you, witzend :)

    Lindy xx
     
  13. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Your brother reminds me of mine, Lindy. 2 years ago we went to England to visit our 2 sons' & their families. We told my brother & his wife, we were going over & they never mentioned seeing us. We even drove on the motorway, at the bottom of their road. They did ring us on our last day, not until we were travelling back to Ireland. If they were in Ireland, we'd go out of our way to see them.

    My Mum has lived in Ireland 7 years & my brother & his wife have been over 4 times in that period. They did come over last Oct & we collected them from the airport to save them paying for a hire car, I cooked for them & we took them out. Yet when I asked them back in Jan, to look after our Mum for the few days for our son's wedding, as we had to stay in a hotel there was an excuse. He didn't ring me until 6 days before the wedding & asked what I had decided to do about our Mum. I know she couldn't go, but if she had been able to, it would've been too late to organise anything for her.

    I can understand your sadness that your Mum can't go to your daughter's wedding. Our son really wanted his Nan at his wedding, he accepted she couldn't go for so many reasons & he did get to enjoy his wedding & I'm sure your daughter will too. It is just sad for them.

    You mentioned that my Mum might accept she was too unwell to go. Sadly, she wouldn't, as she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. Thankfully, she is physically fit & can walk around. She even tells the nurses that she's taking a bed, that should be used for someone who really needs it. Her memory has got very bad. I called into see her yest with my husband. I told her our 5th grandchild had arrived, showed her his picture & said they might call him Harry. I said, what do you think about that, as that was my Dads name. I said, Dad would've been pleased. She said, oh that's lovely, but it didn't seem to register. I reminded her about the baby again a few mins later & his possible name. She said, oh really. Isn't alzheimers a horrible disease for the people who have it & the families & carers who look after them.
     
  14. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland

    I'm sorry for you too, Witzend. It's very sad that your Mum couldn't go to your daughter's wedding either. Sad too, that your new grandchild meant nothing to your Mum. When I showed my Mum a picture of our new grandson yesterday, she looked at it & forgot about it within a few minutes. It's so sad & so hard for us daughters' & all family members, when that happens.

    My Mum used to go to day centre a few days, each week. The manager there got to know her well. When I went to visit my Mum yest, the manager was there visiting several residents that she knows. She told me, that she called into see my Mum a few weeks ago & she didn't know who she was. I just find it so difficult to deal with, as I'm sure everyone does with their own families.
     

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