1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. gustin

    gustin Registered User

    Apr 19, 2005
    2
    ohio,usa
    #1 gustin, Apr 19, 2005
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2005
    :( My mother has a name of a flower that when said makes you think of beauty. Her name is Rose. My rose has just told us she has alzheimers. I've been wondering why my rose has last some color and her glow is slowly fading. I'm scared my rose will loose all memory of the colorful life shes led. I don't know what to do to keep my rose as beautiful as my first memory of her face.
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    gustin, what can one say. The memories of your beautiful Rose will always bloom bright in your heart. As her petals fade, your memories will grow stronger. Thank you for posting with us, please let us know how things develope, so that we may share experiences with you. Love Connie
     
  3. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Gustin,

    Somebody famous once said that 'A rose is a thing of beauty and a joy forever'. Can't remember the source of these beautiful words but never mind. The point is that your Rose may fade away in time, as we all surely must. Her memories will live on in you and then you in turn will pass them on to future generations. We all, as children keep our parents in our hearts forever.

    Don't despair. Spend time with your mother and explore her past together. Use photo albums and old newspapers to make her life come alive for you too. That way, you will never lose her.

    Jude
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Gustin

    Beauty is not a static thing.

    Parents will think their new baby beautiful, but if they were to keep that interpretation of beauty, then they would not think the person that the baby becomes such a thing of beauty. So their understanding of their child's beauty will evolve, as he or she begins to develop, physically and mentally.

    When the child becomes an adult, the parents will still think them beautiful, but will retain the memory of other times when they were beautiful too.

    Beauty is not a single thing.

    True beauty comes from within. Someone who is considered to have real physical beauty may be an ugly person when they are asked to be kind, compassionate or loving. You have to consider a person holistically to be able to see beauty.

    Love

    Love is too often used in the wrong context these days. It has become degraded currency.

    True love for someone is something that evolves with time, taking into account things that happen through life.

    Unconditional Love

    There are two periods in life when I think that love becomes unconditional, and that is from both sides.

    The first is the baby. The baby loves its parents unconditionally, and trusts them with its life. The baby may not know the parents are, in fact, its mother and father; how can it? But it gives unconditional love. The parents give unconditional love to their child, though they know nothing about the child except that it comes from their own love.

    The second is the person with dementia. This is in many respects like the baby, above. The person with dementia has to trust their carer with their life. They may not have the words to say it, but I'm convinced that love endures for them - it is all there inside, but the language changes from words to expressions, nuances of expressions. The person may no longer recognise their parents, spouse, children, and the love the person can give will be changed by the illness, but I'm convinced it is there. The relative or carer gives unconditional love to their relative/friend although they may be shouted at or punched by them; this is the dementia, not the person though it can be difficult to separate the two!

    Your mother will continue to live in beauty for as long as you remember how she was throughout the time you have known her and accept her as she is - and will be - now.

    For your own part, now would be a good time to gather all the pictures you can find of your mother and pull them together into the story of her life. This is good because firstly, you can re-live those memories with her at the moment, and it may help her. Secondly, it will help you put her life into context. When a person changes with dementia, one can forget that they once laughed at shared experiences. Never forget that they loved their life. The dementia is a temporary state. It may last quite a while, but it does not define their life in the round.

    But the way you respond to Rose's changed circumstances could change YOUR life; only time will tell.

    So sorry to see your beautifully put message.

    Best wishes
     
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Gustin, thinking of you. My Lily did the same, but she blooms continually in many ways and the bulbs I planted with her help and that she loved so much continue to do so. With love, She. XX
     
  6. Geraldine

    Geraldine Registered User

    Oct 17, 2003
    143
    Nottingham
    Dear Gustin

    When my Mum was dying a couple of months ago friends would come to see her and be visibly upset saying she just didn't look like Mrs Watchorn any more. But to me she did, despite the weight loss and ravages of the illness in my eyes she was still Mum.

    best wishes

    Geraldine
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Geraldine et al

    There's a song that describes this - it is called "Looking through the eyes of love".

    That's the secret - if you don't do that, then you don't see the real person, and that applies to everything, not only a person with dementia.

    It takes some of us rather a long time to realise that, but then, some people never do, and it is their loss..
     
  8. sheilason

    sheilason Registered User

    Apr 21, 2005
    6
    kingsbury
    My Mum is so special to me

    There ws a time when I couldnt have gone on in life without my mum.
    She was the most caring loving person any one could meet,in spite of a very violent marriage.
    She brought up us five kids,worked full time in a factory to keep our family together and was always there for us.
    She has now got dementia, alzheimers they call it.and it has taken away most of her memory ,although she always tells me that she loves me very much when I see her.
    My stepfather died two weeks ago at 85 years old,a second marriage,and a very kind and gentle old man who loved my mum and cared for her.
    Mum has been put in a special home for people with dementia,and she always asks me to take her home whenever I see her,and it breaks my heart each time,I love her so much.
    I and my four sisters all have jobs and lives to live,but the pain of leaving her ecah time is breaking me up.
    Has any one else gone through this,and does it EVER get any easier.
    I know I am guilty of abandoning her,and will have to live with it now and after shes gone.
     
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Sheilason

    I think we've all gone through it here on TP, to a degree. Some have been entirely through the process, others are just starting, some are like me, in the wilderness in between.

    Does it ever get any better?

    Not better, but perhaps less raw.

    I have found the best thing for me to handle the situation is to join my Jan, at her level, whenever I am with her. I lie on the mattress with her in her specially padded room, because she can't sit without being agitated, can't stand, can't walk. So if I can get her on her hands and knees then that is a major thing, and she knows it. Yesterday she managed on her own to kneel after I had helped her to her hands and knees. I told her that was good and that I was proud of her, and she said "is it?" and then beamed at me.

    Jan is not unhappy, and that is the most I can hope for. But I had to come to terms with that, and it takes time.

    Time will help you accept your situation and to establish a new relationship, more appropriate to the current state of things.

    It'll never stop hurting though, to some degree.

    Oh, and my wife Jan has been in her specialist care home for over 3 years. That was hard to take, but I appreciate now that she is in the best place for HER.

    Yesterday one of the staff said that the other day one of them had been unable to get her to wake up as normal. They apparently all dashed to her room, and found eventually that she was just in a very heavy sleep. They were really concerned, because at her home, residents are there long term, and the staff get very attached to them. That's about as good as it gets, and it means I can worry less when I am not there.
     
  10. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Hi there Sheilason,

    Brucie is right on here. It probably doesn't get much better but we adapt to the circumstances as time passes.

    One of my worst shocks was to realise that my parents quite often didn't have a clue who I was. I used to feel desolate. These days and after 5 years of living with AD, I've turned it inside out, I guess. The times that they do know who I am are occasions of great joy and I ignore the bits in between.

    You will cope - as Norman says - day by day.

    Jude
     
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Sheilason, don't feel guilty, it is not your fault, it is the fault of this awful disease. You should not blame yourself for these things, they are beyond your control. Just love her, spend time with her and take it Norm's way, day by day as Jude says. Love She. XX
     

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