My OH and I have had the Care Home Conversation today

[Donkeyshere]

We have the social worker coming around on Monday and today the OH and I today have decided on Care Home now. I feel bad because I read on this site about how hard it is for others and that my MIL has not been aggressive, does not wander but she needs 24/7 care as the only thing she can do on her own now is dress and undress. She relies on my OH and I for everything else but does not realise it, sometimes its become the norm for, we do not realise it. But we sat down and discussed where we are, I know I am reaching the end of what I can do for her and us as I am feeling resentful because it is all consuming.

The carers are not working out as hoped, she is being resistant to them and she says she can wash and dress herself etc but all of us know that this is not the full truth. Yes she can change her tena pants and she knows there is always a clean pair in her bathroom but she just takes the wet ones off and leaves them, she never asks where they go, she doesnt question where they have come from, a few months ago she would have.

This time last year she would visit her friends, go shopping just go out, now she does not want to. She just wants to sit in her chair all day, just with the cat and moans the carers are bothering her. Its not just the physical side, its everything else that goes with it, the mental side, the sorting and the fact that we have not been out as a couple since our anniversary in September and lets not mention the bank account and guardianship (or lack of!)

The OH understands, he has listened and he agrees, I am surprised but I he gets where I am at and even though he will not admit it, so is he. I still work so whilst and even though she has started day care one day a week she will be home by the time I am so essentially I get no rest then, the carers come in during the week but that's not working so I have to sort the rest over the weekend and get her properly showered. I just need some help from TP to get rid of the b-------d guilt monkey sitting on my shoulder and tell myself Monday is the day I am going to say "no more".

Hopefully the SW will be able to help telling the MIL that care home is now the best place, I know its not what she wants and never wanted but its not just about her, its all of us. Please can TP readers give me some courage I've always been the one to put others before me often to my detriment, but I cannot do this anymore. I just hope he the SW sees it like we do.

Am I trying to find an excuse maybe to make myself feel better, but if she did not live with us, she would have been in a home before this. We have done our best as long as we can, no help from the invisible as you know! Thanks for reading and for those that follow my posts, apologies as usual if I appear selfish - I know what you are going to say as I say it to others - you are not and your feelings are justified - If I say it enough to myself I might start believing it!

PS there is space at the home where she had respite.

 

[TNJJ]

We have the social worker coming around on Monday and today the OH and I today have decided on Care Home now. I feel bad because I read on this site about how hard it is for others and that my MIL has not been aggressive, does not wander but she needs 24/7 care as the only thing she can do on her own now is dress and undress. She relies on my OH and I for everything else but does not realise it, sometimes its become the norm for, we do not realise it. But we sat down and discussed where we are, I know I am reaching the end of what I can do for her and us as I am feeling resentful because it is all consuming.

The carers are not working out as hoped, she is being resistant to them and she says she can wash and dress herself etc but all of us know that this is not the full truth. Yes she can change her tena pants and she knows there is always a clean pair in her bathroom but she just takes the wet ones off and leaves them, she never asks where they go, she doesnt question where they have come from, a few months ago she would have.

This time last year she would visit her friends, go shopping just go out, now she does not want to. She just wants to sit in her chair all day, just with the cat and moans the carers are bothering her. Its not just the physical side, its everything else that goes with it, the mental side, the sorting and the fact that we have not been out as a couple since our anniversary in September and lets not mention the bank account and guardianship (or lack of!)

The OH understands, he has listened and he agrees, I am surprised but I he gets where I am at and even though he will not admit it, so is he. I still work so whilst and even though she has started day care one day a week she will be home by the time I am so essentially I get no rest then, the carers come in during the week but that's not working so I have to sort the rest over the weekend and get her properly showered. I just need some help from TP to get rid of the b-------d guilt monkey sitting on my shoulder and tell myself Monday is the day I am going to say "no more".

Hopefully the SW will be able to help telling the MIL that care home is now the best place, I know its not what she wants and never wanted but its not just about her, its all of us. Please can TP readers give me some courage I've always been the one to put others before me often to my detriment, but I cannot do this anymore. I just hope he the SW sees it like we do.

Am I trying to find an excuse maybe to make myself feel better, but if she did not live with us, she would have been in a home before this. We have done our best as long as we can, no help from the invisible as you know! Thanks for reading and for those that follow my posts, apologies as usual if I appear selfish - I know what you are going to say as I say it to others - you are not and your feelings are justified - If I say it enough to myself I might start believing it!

PS there is space at the home where she had respite.

Hi. It’s not easy to reach a difficult decision ,especially with the guilt monkey on your shoulder.
You are not selfish. Caring for someone with dementia takes a lot of energy.Physically and mentally.
Dementia is definitely a “ground hog day”.Same old ,same old.

Your MIL might not want to go into a home but it is not fair to expect you and your OH to give up your life for her.
Good luck and hang in there.((hugs))

 

[Bikerbeth]

I have a very large stick I will send you to wack the guilt monster with. I also have a magic wand to make him go away (unfortunately the wand breaks sometimes so he does reappear)
On a serious note although I had some issues when Mum went into her home she is beginning to settle. As I am less stressed now my visits with Mum are a lot better (we do some nice things together) rather than me having to run around shopping, sorting bills, trying to get her to let me wash clothes etc etc. Stay strong - you can do it

 

[Banjomansmate]

If she accepted the respite reasonably happily, and as far as I remember, she did, and there is a space at the same place then go for it, although remember she could well be in a different room or area of the Care Home which will confuse her.

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi. It’s not easy to reach a difficult decision ,especially with the guilt monkey on your shoulder.
You are not selfish. Caring for someone with dementia takes a lot of energy.Physically and mentally.
Dementia is definitely a “ground hog day”.Same old ,same old.

Your MIL might not want to go into a home but it is not fair to expect you and your OH to give up your life for her.
Good luck and hang in there.((hugs))

Your MIL might not want to go into a home but it is not fair to expect you and your OH to give up your life for her.

I know and I am going to give myself that mantra!

 

[Donkeyshere]

I have a very large stick I will send you to wack the guilt monster with. I also have a magic wand to make him go away (unfortunately the wand breaks sometimes so he does reappear)
On a serious note although I had some issues when Mum went into her home she is beginning to settle. As I am less stressed now my visits with Mum are a lot better (we do some nice things together) rather than me having to run around shopping, sorting bills, trying to get her to let me wash clothes etc etc. Stay strong - you can do it

Thanks I'm going to borrow the stick and the dodgy wand if that's ok!

 

[Donkeyshere]

If she accepted the respite reasonably happily, and as far as I remember, she did, and there is a space at the same place then go for it, although remember she could well be in a different room or area of the Care Home which will confuse her.

Yes she did but that was before she had her episode in hospital in October, but at the back of her mind hopefully she will remember that it was ok (she does not remember that nor her stay in hospital). She said a few weeks ago I should go in a home, but that's gone, then last week when we were at the docs, the doctor asked me how things were at home I just rolled my eyes and the MIL said I hope I'm not a nuisance. To carry on limping along is not good enough for her or us and to what end? @TNJJ struck a chord when they said it was "groundhog day".

 

[Lawson58]

I think you should take comfort that this is a decision made by both you and your husband, that ultimately it was the only decision you could make. None of us is trained to be carers and we just learn on the job, often without sufficient physical, emotional or financial support.

The toll that caring can take is too often exhausting and soul destroying and sometimes it can years to recover from that role.

But you know all this. You don't really need us to tell you that you have done the best that you can, that this is not just the best for you but for everybody. Once MIL is in care, why not take yourselves for a weekend break somewhere nice, just the two of you.

 

[Donkeyshere]

Thanks I'm going to borrow the stick and the dodgy wand if that's ok!

Used the stick this morning as the MIL said thanks for all you do - whilst I'm thinking you are not going to like me next week - whack went the monkey!

 

[Donkeyshere]

I think you should take comfort that this is a decision made by both you and your husband, that ultimately it was the only decision you could make. None of us is trained to be carers and we just learn on the job, often without sufficient physical, emotional or financial support.

The toll that caring can take is too often exhausting and soul destroying and sometimes it can years to recover from that role.

But you know all this. You don't really need us to tell you that you have done the best that you can, that this is not just the best for you but for everybody. Once MIL is in care, why not take yourselves for a weekend break somewhere nice, just the two of you.

Totally agree @Lawson58 - I've been reading your posts on the fires - I used to live outside Perth in the bush and remember getting the fire breaks done once a year but I can see how useless they are with the size of the fires as they are. We only had one time that fire came close to us so can imagine hard it is for all of you in Oz. Thinking of you all stay safe

 

[Lawson58]

Totally agree @Lawson58 - I've been reading your posts on the fires - I used to live outside Perth in the bush and remember getting the fire breaks done once a year but I can see how useless they are with the size of the fires as they are. We only had one time that fire came close to us so can imagine hard it is for all of you in Oz. Thinking of you all stay safe

Thank you.

There have been bushfires outside Perth this year but the worst one was around Norseman. The highway across the Nullabor was closed for days and Kalgoorlie was isolated for a while. Australia is a big country!

 

[Donkeyshere]

Thank you.

There have been bushfires outside Perth this year but the worst one was around Norseman. The highway across the Nullabor was closed for days and Kalgoorlie was isolated for a while. Australia is a big country!

Huge it is - we moved to NZ after OZ (we lived well away Norseman by about 4 hours I would have thought!) then back to Guernsey - my son who was a babe when we left Guernsey was 8 when we moved back and the first thing he said as we got of the plane was - how do people live in these small houses! He's an adult now and moving to the UK - the island is too small for him!

 

[Bod]

I have shot the guilt monkey.
If you want him, you'll have to pay the postage.
Seriously we have just taken the same decision, for much the same reasons. We cannot go on, without serious risk to our health and well-being, this would leave MiL well and truly up the creek without a paddle.
Letting someone go into Care, is always the best care you can give. Each Care staff only works so many hours, then has a total break, not like us carers on duty 24/7/52.
Not an easy decision, but it's in their best interest.

Bod

 

[Fullticket]

We managed lots of respites in the care home mum went to for day care. After a (wonderful) two weeks away I turned up to collect her and bring her home. As I went in there was a quiz going on so I had to wait (!) and then mum said 'Shall we go to my room so we can talk? It's a bit noisy in here.' Obviously I took her home but it made me feel so much better about what to do when the time came, knowing that she had settled. No guarantees but it might just be a whole lot better than you think.

 

[Donkeyshere]

I have shot the guilt monkey.
If you want him, you'll have to pay the postage.
Seriously we have just taken the same decision, for much the same reasons. We cannot go on, without serious risk to our health and well-being, this would leave MiL well and truly up the creek without a paddle.
Letting someone go into Care, is always the best care you can give. Each Care staff only works so many hours, then has a total break, not like us carers on duty 24/7/52.
Not an easy decision, but it's in their best interest.

Bod

No you can keep the guilt monkey he's been hanging around too long! Felt disjointed today now the decision is made just need to get past Monday's meeting with the SW. I said similar to the OH that if we were not here looking after 24/7 for the last 4 years, where would she have been a long time ago. I think we are BOTH resigned now to what will be will be. Good luck to you @Bod

 

[Jale]

I think the guilt monkey is always hanging around waiting to do his job. Mum went into hospital and during that time she lost all mobility, wasn't eating and what felt like a load more problems. The hospital social worker said that we would not be able to physically cope with her at home - she couldn't live with us and was at the point where she was not safe in her own home even though her son (he who does everything, but actually does nothing) lived with her. The only course was for her to go from hospital into a nursing home. We were lucky (if there is such a word where dementia is concerned) that the home that accepted her - 2 others wouldn't/couldn't - was the home she went into for assessment so there was no moving around. Mum still thinks she is in a "special" hospital and she has settled as far as we can tell. I still feel guilty as I was the one who promised her that she would never go into a home, but it wasn't until Mum was in the home that I realised that I had reached breaking point and had things continued as they had then it would have been me who needed care.

From your previous posts you have both done your very best and sadly there does come a time where we have to let others take over - for your sakes and the PWD. I hope that all goes well on Monday and is as stress free as it can possibly be. Tell your guilt monkey to chat with mine and perhaps whilst they are chatting away they will get off our shoulders

Best wishes

 

[Donkeyshere]

I think the guilt monkey is always hanging around waiting to do his job. Mum went into hospital and during that time she lost all mobility, wasn't eating and what felt like a load more problems. The hospital social worker said that we would not be able to physically cope with her at home - she couldn't live with us and was at the point where she was not safe in her own home even though her son (he who does everything, but actually does nothing) lived with her. The only course was for her to go from hospital into a nursing home. We were lucky (if there is such a word where dementia is concerned) that the home that accepted her - 2 others wouldn't/couldn't - was the home she went into for assessment so there was no moving around. Mum still thinks she is in a "special" hospital and she has settled as far as we can tell. I still feel guilty as I was the one who promised her that she would never go into a home, but it wasn't until Mum was in the home that I realised that I had reached breaking point and had things continued as they had then it would have been me who needed care.

From your previous posts you have both done your very best and sadly there does come a time where we have to let others take over - for your sakes and the PWD. I hope that all goes well on Monday and is as stress free as it can possibly be. Tell your guilt monkey to chat with mine and perhaps whilst they are chatting away they will get off our shoulders

Best wishes

Thanks @Jale I feel a bit sick if I'm honest, lets blame the guilt monkey I think you are right he's going to hang around a bit longer than I hoped! I have always said we will look after her until the point that we no longer have our own lives anymore - we are at that point. If she did not have Alz then she would not want this for us - I have to remember that.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@Donkeyshere i take that guilt monkey & chase him around for a while then get my hands on him & shake him till his little teeth rattle - open the window & throw him out to find a new resting place! Little blighters hide under the bed & disturb you during the night given the chance!
Joking aside - you have MIL “bests interests “ at heart
Best interests - my mantra !

tbh I think you are amazing ! I’m afraid I couldn’t & wont do what you have done. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you of all people have been selfless incredibly caring beyond belief.

I hope Monday goes smoothly- until then I highly recommend a large G&T
Guilt monkeys allergic ! xxx

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi All just an update - I broached the Care Home subject with MIL this morning it just happened as I got her showered (the carers had failed all week to get her showered as they were all different and she did not know any of them which I can understand). Luckily it was a good day of clarity and whilst she could not remember respite care or how long I had been looking after her, she did say that if its too much now she said its not fair on us and a home for her would be the best all round. She said whilst I am not her daughter I have done more than alot of people would have done but its not fair on us that she is taking priority as we need lives too. I am not sure she will remember this tomorrow when the Social Worker comes and whether she will have such clarity and empathy but it made me feel a little better. She did say could she speak to someone about the home though I said I would get our SW round she has met him several times she did not recall when but she said it would be a good idea. So there we are.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Hi All just an update - I broached the Care Home subject with MIL this morning it just happened as I got her showered (the carers had failed all week to get her showered as they were all different and she did not know any of them which I can understand). Luckily it was a good day of clarity and whilst she could not remember respite care or how long I had been looking after her, she did say that if its too much now she said its not fair on us and a home for her would be the best all round. She said whilst I am not her daughter I have done more than alot of people would have done but its not fair on us that she is taking priority as we need lives too. I am not sure she will remember this tomorrow when the Social Worker comes and whether she will have such clarity and empathy but it made me feel a little better. She did say could she speak to someone about the home though I said I would get our SW round she has met him several times she did not recall when but she said it would be a good idea. So there we are.

Fingers crossed & toes
Xx