my name is Mike, age 84, my wife has dementia and is in a care home

[MIKESEYE]

like many we have been married for 65years with a fam of 4children 10 grandchildren 4 great
and when i visit 2-3 times a week i want to take here home i live in Hamworthy Dorset my wife care home is in Swanage
i looked after her for 3years until last june 2023 WHEN I WAS NOT COPING VERY WELL so s/s put her in a care home
can any body tell me if as her husband i have the legal right to take her out of care home
I DO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS I WILL HAVE

 

[canary]

Hello @MIKESEYE and welcome

I think it can be very hard to adjust to our spouse being in a care home and I expect that the vast majority want to scoop them up and take them home, but SS do not lightly suggest a care home - it is their last resort.

If you want to take her home you will have to persuade SS that you have put additional things in place so that you will be able to cope this time. What things can you put in place to enable you to cope this time and what has changed, (because you were obviously not able to do this previously)?

I think the guilt monster is whispering in your ear - look, look, how can you bear it? you gave up too soon, you could have carried on, this time it will be different......
Lies, all lies, take a big stick and knock it off your shoulder

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @MIKESEYE

Travelling from Hamworthy to Swanage and back can’t be much fun for you. My mum used to live in Purbeck so I know the area well.

I’m not sure about legal rights, but you would need to have a best interests meeting (assuming ur wife has lost capacity) and persuade SS as @canary says above.

What do your children think? Would they be able to help you?

I knew I couldn’t manage my mum at home anymore due to her loss of mobility so she is in a home now. Rather than ‘visit’ I take my admin, relaxing stuff, emails etc and do them from there. We have made her care home room our ‘new home’ in a way.

it’s tough for you, I‘m sorry.

 

[Collywobbles]

Hi Mike. If Social Services placed her in the care home, then I believe you would have to prove to them that you were taking your wife to a safe environment before they would agree to her leaving the care home. You’d need to go through each of their concerns, one at a time, and demonstrate that you have done something to make sure they have been addressed and wouldn’t happen again.

I feel for you with that travelling. I had a job a few years back where I had to commute from Poole to Corfe Castle daily in the summer tourist season, and the traffic was dreadful. On paper it was a half hour drive, but it regularly took an hour and a half each way. You must be exhausted - but would you be less so with your wife at home with you?

 

[Chaplin]

Hello Mike, is there anywhere nearer for your wife so that the travelling is less onerous but may mean you could visit her more often if she were nearer to you. Might be worth asking social services if that’s possible.

 

[Angel55]

like many we have been married for 65years with a fam of 4children 10 grandchildren 4 great
and when i visit 2-3 times a week i want to take here home i live in Hamworthy Dorset my wife care home is in Swanage
i looked after her for 3years until last june 2023 WHEN I WAS NOT COPING VERY WELL so s/s put her in a care home
can any body tell me if as her husband i have the legal right to take her out of care home
I DO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS I WILL HAVE

Hello Mike 💗

You must miss your wife enormously more than any of us could possibly understand.

It isn't your fault that she is now living in a care home, you love her and you looked after her at home, probably for a few years at least and each time you go you of course want her to go home with you. You have been married for such a long time. ♥️

But wait ... think about how it was before and how it will be again. Social Services intervened as I understand from your words and they don't do that for no reason at all. I am not sure on the legalities of if a husband could do that to be fair.

If you could be nearer or your wife could be nearer to you would that be a compromise? Could you stay near to the home or stay with your wife sometimes?

Everyone here does understand so come back and chat if you need too or you can phone the helpline number from the main website and have chat with someone. I think you might find that could help talking to someone as well.

 

[MIKESEYE]

thank you for replying I HAVE JUST STARTED WITH a POWER OF ATTORNEY NOT YET COMPLETEDA the reason for this because i was not able to talk to my wife's doc not get a list of medicine she is taken doc sec told me to give my concerns to the home but they will not give me answers as they said i did not have POA
also i wanted to take her for 2-3 walks if she is up for it only and a rest bite in DEVON but home are against looking foward SO IF I CAN GET POA WOULD I BE ABLE TO ASK THE HOME FOR THE ABOVE or is POA a waste of time
thank you
mike

 

[Collywobbles]

thank you for replying I HAVE JUST STARTED WITH a POWER OF ATTORNEY NOT YET COMPLETEDA the reason for this because i was not able to talk to my wife's doc not get a list of medicine she is taken doc sec told me to give my concerns to the home but they will not give me answers as they said i did not have POA
also i wanted to take her for 2-3 walks if she is up for it only and a rest bite in DEVON but home are against looking foward SO IF I CAN GET POA WOULD I BE ABLE TO ASK THE HOME FOR THE ABOVE or is POA a waste of time
thank you
mike

I’m afraid your wife would have to consent to a POA. In order to do that, she would have to be deemed to have the capacity to understand it. From what you’ve said, it seems unlikely that a solicitor would agree that she has the legal capacity to understand what the POA is and its implications for her.

The alternative after mental capacity is lost, is a Court of Protection Deputyship. This has a similar effect to a POA, but can be done after the person loses capacity. However there are a lot more forms to fill in, and as you might expect, it has more safeguards built in.

 

[canary]

Hello @MIKESEYE

If you can get POA then would be great as it would allow doctors etc to talk to you, but unfortunately it would have to be your wifes decision - you cant do it for her - and it can only be done if she still has the understanding of what it means and has the capacity to consent.

I used to take mum out for short trips to the park or a garden centre, although as her dementia progressed she could not cope with even that. I really dont think it would be a good idea to take her to Devon, though. She would probably be so confused it would become a nightmare for both of you and I dont see the care home allowing this, even with POA.

 

[MIKESEYE]

reply to canary
that is what i was asking if i POA would this overrule the home

 

[Banjomansmate]

Hi Mike,
If your wife is already living in a care home why would she need respite care? Usually respite is time when a person with dementia or another illness needing permanent care, stays somewhere to give their carer a break i.e. ‘respite’, from caring.
Only your wife can ‘donate’ Power of Attorney to give someone legal right to look after her finances or health and welfare matters. She has to have the mental capacity to decide this herself, you cannot make that decision for her. If she no longer has the understanding to do this then you would have to apply for Deputyship, which is usually only given for finances not health and welfare.
As to whether LPA would over rule the home, I imagine she was placed there after a Social Services/ medical Best interest meeting, in which case it is SS you would be arguing against. However, as next of kin I find it difficult to understand why the home won’t discuss your wife’s health/medication.

 

[MIKESEYE]

thank you i just want to know what medication she is taken and what tye of dementia she has i was looking
at your websites and found that she should of had BLOOD BIOMARKER CHALLENGE but i cannot ask doc
in my eyes she would understand the POA as she does have loss of memory at 82yoa so do we all
mike

 

[Kevinl]

OK and I apolgise before I post, but what does it matter what the specific diagnosis is, how would it help, we post on here for love don't make no nevermind to me why mainly carers post as to the specific condition is called/diagnosed as.
We post about incontinence, social embarrassment or just losing someone we love by instalments not the science just the sheer social isolation of being a carer, over 10 years in and still posting as a carer.
I had to go into hospital so she went into care, I came out, she didn't. Never forgiven myself for getting ill.
K

 

[Louise7]

Hello @MIKESEYE and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it must be so difficult to be separated from your wife after 65 years of marriage. As others have already mentioned, decisions regarding whether your wife could return home or leave the care home for walks or a break in Devon, would need to be made in her best interests if she is unable to make those decisions for herself. Even if you had POA your decisions could be over ruled if they are considered not to be in your wife's best interests. It may be that your wife is subject to a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (Dols) to help keep her safe, which is put in place by the local authority.

The 'Blood Biomarker Challenge' is a research programme looking at whether a type of blood test could predict dementia 15 years prior to diagnosis. The research will be ongoing for several years, and no tests are currently available, so this isn't something that your wife should have had so please don't worry that she has missed out on something.

Have you spoken to your children about how you are feeling, as they will hopefully be able to help and support you. The situation sounds difficult and it might be helpful to get some professional advice about your situation, and to talk to people who may be able to suggest a way forward for you. The Dementia Support Line is open tomorrow between 10am and 4pm - 0333 150 3456 and are very helpful and knowledgeable:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Care Rights UK also offer advice and support about care home related issues. Their contact details are here:

Contact our helpline — Care Rights UK

Get free, independent advice about problems with care for older people.

www.carerightsuk.org

I hope this helps.

 

[MIKESEYE]

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT AFTER 65 YEARS OF MARRIAGE I STILL BELIELVE THAT I HAVE THE BEST OF INTENSIONS FOR MY WIFE PEOLPE TELL ME NOT TO REACT WHEN SHE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO DIE but i know this is comming from her heart NOT DEMETIA HOW CAN DOCTORS CONTINUAE GIVING HER TABLES THAT MAKE HER LEGS GO LIKE TREE TRUNKS amlodphine AND atorvastatin WHICH IS FOR YOUNGER THAN 80
IS THERE A REFEREE BETWEEN ME AND MEDICATION AND HOME CARE AS I FEEL IT KEEPS MY WIFE SAFE DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO WALK SIUTS THE CARE HOME

 

[canary]

Hi Mike

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is no longer able to walk.

About the drugs you mentioned - artorvastatin is for high cholesterol, and amlodipine (I think this is what you mean) is for high blood pressure. Neither of these have a sedative effect and they are both extremely unlikely to stop her walking.

Loss of mobility is part of dementia, especially in the later stages, and it sounds like your wife now has advanced dementia. Is your wife now bed bound? I'm afraid that once the ability to walk is lost, you can't get it back.

 

[Collywobbles]

Hi Mike, I’m so sorry that you continue to be worried.

I’ve looked up the drugs you mention and can’t find any recommended upper age limit for either artorvastatin or amlodipine, so they should be safe for your wife to take from an age point of view. In fact artorvastatin is said to be more effective in older people, than in younger folks. Hopefully you can put your mind at rest on that point.

 

[Knitandpurl]

Hi Mike. Many Care Homes have a visitors/guest room where friends/family can stay overnight (obviously there is a charge for this), if your wife’s Home has one of these you could ‘book in’ and have a ‘holiday’ with her?

 

[MIKESEYE]

I LOVE A HOLIDAY WITH HER
MY DOC WHO GAVE ME ADVISE ON MEDICATION SAID ATORVASTATIN WASTE OF TIME OVER 80
AND TWO DOC HAVE NOW POINTED AT AMLODOPINE FOR SWOLLEN LEGS
THIS IS CONFLICTING TO YOUR REPLIES WHERE DID YOU LOOK
THANK YOU

 

[FeeBee61]

Hello @MIKESEYE

Travelling from Hamworthy to Swanage and back can’t be much fun for you. My mum used to live in Purbeck so I know the area well.

I’m not sure about legal rights, but you would need to have a best interests meeting (assuming ur wife has lost capacity) and persuade SS as @canary says above.

What do your children think? Would they be able to help you?

I knew I couldn’t manage my mum at home anymore due to her loss of mobility so she is in a home now. Rather than ‘visit’ I take my admin, relaxing stuff, emails etc and do them from there. We have made her care home room our ‘new home’ in a way.

it’s tough for you, I‘m sorry.