My mum's needs, as well as my family.

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
I've mentioned before, that we borrowed our friends' house to move my mum closer to us & I go in every day. At the back there is a brick shed, which had a broken down washing machine & we put my mum's freezer in there too. My little granddaughter's playschool were trying to raise funds & it was suggested collecting old electrical appliances to be sold for their funds. Our friends' decided to donate their old washing machine & he & my husband went into my mum's to collect it, while she was at the day centre. I saw her later & explained about it all & she said, it's a good idea.

Almost every day since, she mentions it & keeps saying machine was stolen along with her long handled shears. I reminded her again that it wasn't her machine & that we didn't give her any garden equipment, as it wasn't her responsibility. She insisted showing me the bush she had trimmed, it was my husband who had done it.

I went in this aftn & she had the phone book out & had written down a phone no. I asked who was she ringing & it was the council dept & I read what she was going to say. It said, Those people who were collecting electrical items, didn't even knock at the door. That the washing machine was gone & her garden shears, was saying they were stolen, That she bought them last yr for 20e. At the end of it had written, I'm 84 yrs old & a widow & I think it's disgusting that this happened. I had to remind her again that is was our friend & his house & my husband, so why would they need to knock if you were at the centre, so they weren't stolen. I said, if whoever you ring had listened to you & called to you, you would be embarrassed when they asked who did machine belong to. As my husband says, she always think she's right & was like that before alzheimers.

Yest, I took her to the memory clinic, one hrs drive each way. We had lunch & I needed to pop into the shop to get a few bits. I told her I couldn't be long, as needed to get home, that I'd take her food shopping tomorrow. My husband was collecting our daughter, her husband & 2 young children from Dublin airport & it was 2 & half hrs drive home. I wanted to get back to cook dinner for them all, to save my daughter cooking. I already had a dinner for my mum, for when I took her home.

On the way home, my mum said, I didn't do any food shopping, I reminded her I take her every wk & didn't have time yest. She then said, well, I didn't get it today, did I. She can be so rude & was like that too, before alzheimers. I had to say to her, I have to help other family members too, as well as you. It seems the more we do for her, the more she expects. I had an insect bite on my leg at the wkend & next day, it swelled up, went bigger, dark red, hard & very painful. Had to see the GP, said it was infected & gave antibiotics & antihistamine. Since taking them I feel so tired & finding it harder to cope this week.
 
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Tilly Mint

Registered User
Jun 14, 2011
21
I was doing all that, putting mum right about things, partly for what I believed was her benefit and also for fear of what others may think from what mum was saying as she sounded ok in herself.
In the end I've found the best way is to give in and agree with her and if she wants to write a letter, let her do it and you'll agree to post it for her after agreeing how awful it is that someone would take stuff or do something like that, and how you can't trust anyone these days.
Then if she brings it up again make something up about they've found the person responsible and hauled them over the coals or something.
Whatever would ease your mum's mind.

Whatever she says, just agree with and create a scenario that suits what she says that saves you arguing the toss but still allows you to continue doing what you need to do.

I hope your leg is feeling better.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your advice, Tilly mint.
My mum wanted to phone the council, to complain. Maybe I should have let her do it, she certainly wouldn't remember what their reply would be either. Perhaps it would have satisfied her, to have rang them. Trouble is, she can be quite rude & it could cause more problems.








QUOTE=Tilly Mint;928294]I was doing all that, putting mum right about things, partly for what I believed was her benefit and also for fear of what others may think from what mum was saying as she sounded ok in herself.
In the end I've found the best way is to give in and agree with her and if she wants to write a letter, let her do it and you'll agree to post it for her after agreeing how awful it is that someone would take stuff or do something like that, and how you can't trust anyone these days.
Then if she brings it up again make something up about they've found the person responsible and hauled them over the coals or something.
Whatever would ease your mum's mind.

Whatever she says, just agree with and create a scenario that suits what she says that saves you arguing the toss but still allows you to continue doing what you need to do.

I hope your leg is feeling better.[/QUOTE]
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,962
Brixham Devon
Good idea Tilly Mint

When my Husband used to go over and over things (wearing isn't it) I used to say 'ok I'll phone them'. Sometimes that was all that was needed-other times I had to pretend to phone 'them' there and then.

Take care

Lyn T
 

Trace2012

Registered User
Jun 24, 2013
162
This is my mam at the min, thinking everything is suspicious, we had bad neighbours and they used to *** in the garden but they moved and now my m thinks the new neighbours are aswell, they are a lovely couple, terrified incase she says something, but ive had to let them know incase she does, but she just wont have it, even have CCTV and of course it dosent see them only us lol im laughing now but I'm not when ive just done an 8 hour shift at wrk and i *** in to all this paranoia, if i agree with her she will defanatly ring the police, i also had to tell them, as she still rings them sayin the old neighbour is sitting in the tree outside watchin her, its heartbreaking as they think this stuff is real! I'm struggling aswell!
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,269
I also found the constant paranoia and confabulations exhausting, and found it amazing how most of the real stuff going on around my mum would be forgotten but the things she imagined she'd remember for weeks on end.
 

Merrymaid

Registered User
Feb 21, 2014
304
Sadly my Mum is adept in this area too. She has always had skilled tunnel vision with the view firmly set from her side and could make sharp scathing comments to guilt trip me into doing things, even as an adult.

She has lived with me for a long time helping out with childminding as I worked shifts & got divorced. Before she was diagnosed with AD & before I started to suspect something was wrong, her barbed tongue was reaching a crescendo. I finally retaliated verbally telling her I didn't deserve this & she was being unfair & hurtful by saying those things. I was trembling inside & out, I had never answered back before, always biting my tongue & walking away from an argument with her. For a while things improved then she began to show signs of AD.

It has taken me a while to adjust to the return of the nasty comments etc but I am now mostly immune to the content and sly digs. Thankfully I am also becoming adept at spotting incoming & diverting the daggers before they reveal themselves. However I am still caught out occasionally. We have downsized over the years as my family's needs have changed & I am preparing for a final move into a bungalow, so I am de-cluttering. When I had larger homes I could accommodate Mum's large rather ugly furniture but now need to get rid of quite a bit of furniture mine & hers. She has her own room which is full of her things but I had a large glass cabinet collecting dust in the living room. I explained we would not be able to take it with us and it made the room look small during house viewings, she agreed it could go. That was 3 months ago, and no comment has been made since. Yesterday we returned from a lovely day out and she wandered into the living room, she emerged seconds later transformed into angry accuser demanding where was her cabinet. I explained, as above, her response was a sarcastic 'There's not much left now is there', ignoring the fact that her furniture is everywhere in the house, I tried 'Well there is still you and me we are the most important things aren't we?' Smile....response 'Well if you say so I suppose'.

Haaarruumph.....Time to turn away & put the kettle on!:mad:
 
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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
These things can be so very hard and wearing. Before she got AD my mother willingly agreed that her neighbours' son could use her garage - she no longer had a car and the family didn't need to use it. Post AD she was complaining ad infinitum that the son had 'stolen' her garage, and would give him and his parents evil looks whenever she saw them - which was thankfully rarely since she would hardly ever go out.

Of course it was no earthly use telling her she had given him permission. I would say over and over, yes, how awful, young people these days, tut tut, I would see about it first thing tomorrow... TBh it turned into a sort of automatic replay I could switch on and off. Ditto with her endless complaints some time later that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house - dear me, I had no idea, I will get on to the solicitor, etc etc etc.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your message, LYN T.
Yes, it is very wearing. I've explained to my mum so many times, that it was my husband & our friend, (he owns the house she is living in) who took his broken down washing machine out of the shed to be sold to raise funds for the playschool.









Good idea Tilly Mint

When my Husband used to go over and over things (wearing isn't it) I used to say 'ok I'll phone them'. Sometimes that was all that was needed-other times I had to pretend to phone 'them' there and then.

Take care

Lyn T
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your reply, Trace2012.
That must be very hard for you too, if you have to be one step ahead of your mum all the time, in case she says anything to your new neighbours. It's strange how our mums' are so suspicious of everything, but I suppose that is one of the many symptoms of alzheimers.

If we go out for lunch & sit at a table to eat, my mum will tuck her handbag right beside her, in case anyone takes it. Very sad though, as she doesn't have any money in her purse. All the Drs told me to take charge of her money, as she was spending big money at the shop over road.

One month, it was 350e, 2nd month, over 500e & the following month 700e. I take her food shopping every wk & she still managed to spend those big amounts. Even when she sees the nurse to be weighed & blood pressure done, wants me to hold her handbag.









[QU
OTE=Trace2012;928378]This is my mam at the min, thinking everything is suspicious, we had bad neighbours and they used to *** in the garden but they moved and now my m thinks the new neighbours are aswell, they are a lovely couple, terrified incase she says something, but ive had to let them know incase she does, but she just wont have it, even have CCTV and of course it dosent see them only us lol im laughing now but I'm not when ive just done an 8 hour shift at wrk and i *** in to all this paranoia, if i agree with her she will defanatly ring the police, i also had to tell them, as she still rings them sayin the old neighbour is sitting in the tree outside watchin her, its heartbreaking as they think this stuff is real! I'm struggling aswell![/QUOTE]
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your reply, Trace2012.
That must be very hard for you too, in case your mum says anything to your new neighbours. It's strange how our mums' are suspicious of everything, obviously one of the symptoms of alzheimers.

If we go out to lunch & sit at a table, my mum tucks her handbag right close beside her. It's sad though as her purse is empty, as all the Drs told me to take charge of her money. She was spending big money at the shop over the road, going there some days 2 or 3 times.

One month, she spent 350e, next month over 500e, the following month over 700e. I take her food shopping every week & she was still spending big amounts at the shop.
Even when she sees the nurse for her blood pressure check etc, she'll give me her handbag to look after.


This is my mam at the min, thinking everything is suspicious, we had bad neighbours and they used to *** in the garden but they moved and now my m thinks the new neighbours are aswell, they are a lovely couple, terrified incase she says something, but ive had to let them know incase she does, but she just wont have it, even have CCTV and of course it dosent see them only us lol im laughing now but I'm not when ive just done an 8 hour shift at wrk and i *** in to all this paranoia, if i agree with her she will defanatly ring the police, i also had to tell them, as she still rings them sayin the old neighbour is sitting in the tree outside watchin her, its heartbreaking as they think this stuff is real! I'm struggling aswell!
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your message, Delphie.
I couldn't agree with you more, it is exhausting & my mum is exactly the same as your mum. When I took her to the memory Dr on wednesday, he asked her several questions, some of which she got right.

He then asked what news is there at the moment, she just said, I don't know. She insists on having a newspaper every day, but doesn't read it & tells me she that she does. Yet, as you say the things they imagine, they remember for a long time.





I also found the constant paranoia and confabulations exhausting, and found it amazing how most of the real stuff going on around my mum would be forgotten but the things she imagined she'd remember for weeks on end.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your reply, Merrymaid.
You are very good having your Mum living with you. I hope your move goes well & that you don't get too stressed. I remember when we moved my Mum to where she is living now, 2 years ago. My husband & myself packed up all the boxes & labelled them all. When we went back to my Mum's next day, she had opened several of them & taken items out & mixed them up. We had worked so hard, it got so stressful. We knew that she would just stand in the way of everyone moving the furniture in, so we made sure she went to day centre, the day of the move. Was certainly the right thing to do.

The nasty comments are hard to take, at times. I was talking to my Mum's GP, as she is very good & lets me chat to her about how my Mum's getting on. Then she calls her in & asks her questions etc. I told her GP, when either myself or my husband take in my Mum's dinner & tablets, when we're leaving she says, enjoy your evening. Her GP said, she's trying to make us feel guilty, as she's on her own. I just ignore it anymore & pretend I didn't hear it.











Sadly my Mum is adept in this area too. She has always had skilled tunnel vision with the view firmly set from her side and could make sharp scathing comments to guilt trip me into doing things, even as an adult.

She has lived with me for a long time helping out with childminding as I worked shifts & got divorced. Before she was diagnosed with AD & before I started to suspect something was wrong, her barbed tongue was reaching a crescendo. I finally retaliated verbally telling her I didn't deserve this & she was being unfair & hurtful by saying those things. I was trembling inside & out, I had never answered back before, always biting my tongue & walking away from an argument with her. For a while things improved then she began to show signs of AD.

It has taken me a while to adjust to the return of the nasty comments etc but I am now mostly immune to the content and sly digs. Thankfully I am also becoming adept at spotting incoming & diverting the daggers before they reveal themselves. However I am still caught out occasionally. We have downsized over the years as my family's needs have changed & I am preparing for a final move into a bungalow, so I am de-cluttering. When I had larger homes I could accommodate Mum's large rather ugly furniture but now need to get rid of quite a bit of furniture mine & hers. She has her own room which is full of her things but I had a large glass cabinet collecting dust in the living room. I explained we would not be able to take it with us and it made the room look small during house viewings, she agreed it could go. That was 3 months ago, and no comment has been made since. Yesterday we returned from a lovely day out and she wandered into the living room, she emerged seconds later transformed into angry accuser demanding where was her cabinet. I explained, as above, her response was a sarcastic 'There's not much left now is there', ignoring the fact that her furniture is everywhere in the house, I tried 'Well there is still you and me we are the most important things aren't we?' Smile....response 'Well if you say so I suppose'.

Haaarruumph.....Time to turn away & put the kettle on!:mad:
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
249
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Thank you for your message, Witzend.
All our Mums' sound the same & seem to do the same things, sadly caused by the alzheimers. We moved my Mum nearer to us 2 years ago & I arranged for homehelp, she wouldn't accept her at the beginning, then eventually did. A few weeks later, she said her gold bracelet was missing, must be stolen. I said, who would've stolen it. She said, that woman, she's the only outsider. I was so angry at the time, as I didn't realise that was part of alzheimers. Thankfully, she didn't accuse her openly, only to us.

It got to the stage, where she wouldn't let her in & pretended she was unwell. I had to go & let the homehelp in & stay a while, almost to protect her, as I didn't know what my mum was going to do or say. When my husband & myself were clearing out my mum's bungalow to get it ready to rent, I found the bracelet in her bedroom there. When I told her yet again, that the homehelp didn't steal it & where I found it, she still wouldn't accept that's where it was.

When she lived in the bungalow, she had lovely next door neighbours, who helped her a lot, as we were half an hours drive away. My mum had a recycling bin & didn't have much to put in, so as the neighbours didn't have one, she said they could use it.
Every week, my mum complained to me & said, Helena's put her rubbish in, but didn't even thank me. I got annoyed & said, you suggested she uses it, surely you don't expect her to knock on your door every week, to thank you. I said, we let my husbands brother use ours, but we'd hardly expect him to come all the way up our drive, just to say thank you, every wk.

Where she's living now, I go & put her bin out & again it is only half full. So the other week I suggested to my daughter, as she lives near us to put her rubbish in too. I went with her & my mum appeared at the door & said, oh, is that your rubbish, as if to say to her own granddaughter, did you ask my permission. My daughter didn't want to use it anymore, because of my Mum's reaction. Yest, I told her I'd take it & put it in my mum's bin. I was at my mum's already, then put the extra rubbish in & straight away, she said, is that Laura's? It would have been nicer if she had said, tell Laura to use it anytime, if it saves her some money. It certainly doesn't get any easier.







These things can be so very hard and wearing. Before she got AD my mother willingly agreed that her neighbours' son could use her garage - she no longer had a car and the family didn't need to use it. Post AD she was complaining ad infinitum that the son had 'stolen' her garage, and would give him and his parents evil looks whenever she saw them - which was thankfully rarely since she would hardly ever go out.

Of course it was no earthly use telling her she had given him permission. I would say over and over, yes, how awful, young people these days, tut tut, I would see about it first thing tomorrow... TBh it turned into a sort of automatic replay I could switch on and off. Ditto with her endless complaints some time later that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house - dear me, I had no idea, I will get on to the solicitor, etc etc etc.
 

Fran84

Registered User
May 24, 2014
2
London
totally understand

This is my mam at the min, thinking everything is suspicious, we had bad neighbours and they used to *** in the garden but they moved and now my m thinks the new neighbours are aswell, they are a lovely couple, terrified incase she says something, but ive had to let them know incase she does, but she just wont have it, even have CCTV and of course it dosent see them only us lol im laughing now but I'm not when ive just done an 8 hour shift at wrk and i *** in to all this paranoia, if i agree with her she will defanatly ring the police, i also had to tell them, as she still rings them sayin the old neighbour is sitting in the tree outside watchin her, its heartbreaking as they think this stuff is real! I'm struggling aswell!
Almost an identical situation with my Mum - she was diagnosed 4 yrs ago but has had symptoms for 9 years. She is convinced neighbours throwing stuff on her roof. This started three years ago - we used to try and convince her but now (providing the windows are closed!), we agree, roll our eyes and put the emphasis back on my Mum by saying what a good Christian she is (she's catholic) by letting it go. When she does talk about further action/ police etc. we encourage her to write it down so we can send a letter to the police. My Mum's cognition is now so limited she believes this - give it a shot if you can. Good luck xx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
Almost an identical situation with my Mum - she was diagnosed 4 yrs ago but has had symptoms for 9 years. She is convinced neighbours throwing stuff on her roof. This started three years ago - we used to try and convince her but now (providing the windows are closed!), we agree, roll our eyes and put the emphasis back on my Mum by saying what a good Christian she is (she's catholic) by letting it go. When she does talk about further action/ police etc. we encourage her to write it down so we can send a letter to the police. My Mum's cognition is now so limited she believes this - give it a shot if you can. Good luck xx
Thank you for the writing it down idea, I can relate to all of this, and will try it. Thank you. I am happy to say I am always learning.