1. snooky

    snooky Registered User

    May 12, 2007
    104
    devon
    Hi all,
    Well I thought I'd update you. My mum, who is the carer (or was until Dad went in the home), is a very strong lady, who doesnt show her emotions. Well tonight when I rang her to ask how she was, and to say I dont think it will be long before we have to tell Dad that he is staying permanently in the home, because he keeps asking!!!! Well she has never told me once that she loves me 'out loud', but tonight she said that she really appreciated the support that my sister and me had given her and that 'you know I love you both dearly don't you'. It meant the world to me to hear those words. I said mum I dont think I've ever heard you say that before and I love you too. Sorry if it sounds a bit soppy but, believe me, it means so much coming from my mum. She said, I may not cry outwardly, but I cry inwardly and those words said everything. She is dreading telling Dad and she said I need to prepare myself, because we all know he will be devestated, because he still understands hugely, which makes it even the more harder. She is going in for her tests next Tuesday so she wants to get that over and the operation (if she needs one) before we tell him. She just cant cope with it all at the same time. It is so hard, because although Dad is doubly incontinent now and has had frequent falls when he went out when living at home, he is still mentally easily able to hold a conversation and said to me yesterday, 'they wont tell me when I am going home', and I just dread the day soon when we have to crush him and say that day is not coming. I know that a lot of you have been through it, but I know it is going to be so hard to tell someone who understands, that they are not coming home after 50 yrs. It just feels so cruel sometimes. I wish he could come home, but I know he cant, because mum just cannot cope anymore. When he used to go into the home for respite he would chat with the residents and make an effort, but since he has been in there for 3 wks he doesnt do that anymore, because I think he is in a period of grieving and feels depressed and that he should be home. Sorry to ramble.
    Snooky xx
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Snooky,
    As the saying goes take it day by day,
    At this present time your Mum needs must be sorted out.
    To have your Mum tell you she loves you must have been such a wonderful thing for your to hear.
    Perhaps, if you tell your Dad your Mum needs but only you know how your Dad will react to the news.
    I wish you all the best and hope your Mother is soon well.
    Best wishes. Christine
     
  3. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Snooky
    I feel for you at this time,its a hard decsion to make without the fact that you have to portray it to your dad.i work in ahome and have had the experience of this with families and their loved ones.theres no easy way for anyone,take hold of the thought that your loved one may take time to settle and that your input in the settling process may be revoked by the home.Don't feel offended,but speak up where you feel the need to.

    hope all goes well elainex
     
  4. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Snooky,

    Well rejoice at your mum's words. It must have taken her a lot to say them if she is not a person do that naturally (best my mum has every said to me is Youre very good to me). Love? I don't think so somehow.

    Make the most of it Snooky.
    Love Margaret
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Snooky, how wonderful for you to hear those words from your mum. You have a huge burden, worrying about both your mum and your dad, but knowing your mum loves and appreciates you must make it that much lighter.

    It's going to be hard, telling your dad that he won't be coming home, and is going to be upsetting for you all. But perhaps in a way, once he has got over the initial shock, it might be easier for him.

    It is obviously preying on his mind, as he keeps asking, and it is very stressful to know that your future is in the hands of other people, but no-one will tell you what that future is. My advice would be, for all your sakes, get it over as soon as possible.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

    Love,
     
  6. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello Snooky:

    I am so pleased your Mum was able to tell you she loved you. You will hold that for ever.

    You are having a hard time but somehow these difficulties have way of sorting themselves out. I hope this is the case for you now. It is sad to hear of your Dad being miserable when he took to respite quite well.

    As they say 'day by day'.

    Best wishes Jan
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,156
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Snooky,
    Is it possible to tell your father that you mum is going to have a little op and needs time to prepare for it and recuperate from it? Or would he just worry? Is there anything you can say as a delaying tactic until your mother is up to it?

    I am so glad she told you she loved you. I'm sure you knew from her actions but it's so wonderful to hear the words.
     
  8. snooky

    snooky Registered User

    May 12, 2007
    104
    devon
    Thanks everyone for your kind words. Well, the morning after my call with mum when she went in (yesterday), Dad asked her three times and she just thought, I cant do this anymore (its only been a week since hes been asking and has shown an improvement from his pneumonia, but feels like a year!!) and she explained to him that he would be staying in the home permanently, because she could no longer care for his needs and that we would all continue to visit regularly and in time when he is stronger we will take him out to wherever he wants to go. We had all planned to be there to explain to him, but it just happened that way and I think it was probably for the best. He just said 'oh' and said he was worried he wouldnt see anyone, but mum reassured him and explained to the Care Manager and she had a chat with him this morning. I am going in tomorrow to see him. I think it was really worrying mum having to tell him, but I think he knew deep down and it didnt come as a huge shock. He is going in anti-depressants in a couple of days, once the antibiotics are out of his system, so that is probably a good thing for now (and at least they havent given him anymore antibiotics, so thats a good sign).

    Anyway I wont go on too much, but just wanted to thank you all for your invaluable support of me through this really tough few weeks and I really appreciate all your advice and support.

    I'll let you know how we get on for mum's appt on Tuesday.

    Love
    Snooky xx
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Snooky, well done your mum!

    You're right, it has been a tough time for you all, but that's one less thing to worry about.

    I hope all goes well for your mum on Tuesday.

    Love,
     
  10. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    I am so glad you have one hurdle done with - its amazing how things sort out.

    Hope all is ok for your Mum on Tuesday. Please keep us posted.

    Jan
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,892
    Kent
    Dear Snooky.

    Sometimes the things we fear the most aren`t quite as bad as we thought they would be. The time was right for your mother to tell your father and I`m sure it`s a weight lifted from her mind now the deed had been done.

    It will be easier for you too.

    All the best for Tuesday.

    Love xx
     

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