My Mum’s Dementia

[Alex53]

Hi All. I’m new to this forum. I care for my mum full time who has stage 5 dementia and had to give up work for a while. My mum is going into respite tomorrow for 2 weeks as I am completely burnt out 😫 can anybody make me feel better about this awful situation as I feel so cruel for making this decision, but finding it more and more difficult to look after her. Thank you xx

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Alex53. Caring for someone with dementia full time is a tough job and there comes a time when it needs a team of people, not just one frazzled carer. A move into care doesn't mean you stop being her carer, just that you have a team of people to help you do the caring.
This is a very friendly and supportive place and I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions.

 

[Jale]

Hi @Alex53, you are definitely not cruel - you are making sure your Mum is being cared for. Are you getting any outside help?

 

[canary]

No, its not cruel, dementia reaches a stage when its a necessity
OH has had a couple of respite stays in a care home. In his case he liked it, but even if he didnt, I need it or I would become ill and not be able to care for him

 

[Dawag]

I understand i moved in with my Mother who has vascular dementia, for a year and tried to cope. In the end she agreed to go into a Residential Home although she struggled to settle. I shed tears of guilt and selling her house behind her back was awful but I too was broken and had to develop a hard shell and Sarasa is right it is a different kind of caring . The guilt doesn’t go away but Dementia affects both the person and the Carer and we have to do the best we can for the person we love and ourselves . My Mother has since moved to a Nursing Home but. That’s another story x

 

[Alex53]

Thank you all for your kind replies. It is good to know I am not alone. It’s just so sad isn’t it and you become the parent. I have a fantastic support network around me but just feel so overwhelmed at times. We have carers come in the morning to dress and wash my mum as her mobility has declined and the last few weeks she has become incontinent since having a UTI, she says she doesn’t want to go but I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. So it’s got to happen and I need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it .. thank you for taking the time to listen, it’s helped already xx

 

[Alex53]

I understand i moved in with my Mother who has vascular dementia, for a year and tried to cope. In the end she agreed to go into a Residential Home although she struggled to settle. I shed tears of guilt and selling her house behind her back was awful but I too was broken and had to develop a hard shell and Sarasa is right it is a different kind of caring . The guilt doesn’t go away but Dementia affects both the person and the Carer and we have to do the best we can for the person we love and ourselves . My Mother has since moved to a Nursing Home but. That’s another story x

Dawag you are so brave to go through all that. This will eventually be the next thing to deal with I think. Is your mum not settling well? Xx

 

[Alex53]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Alex53. Caring for someone with dementia full time is a tough job and there comes a time when it needs a team of people, not just one frazzled carer. A move into care doesn't mean you stop being her carer, just that you have a team of people to help you do the caring.
This is a very friendly and supportive place and I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions.

Thank you. I just haven’t got the skills and she needs round the clock care atm. Your so right in what your saying xx

 

[sdmhred]

Welcome to the forum @Alex53

You’ve asked and sought out help - that is in itself an act of strength and courage - the big girls pants are already on 😀

What else would help you right now for your mental health? have you a supportive GP to turn to?

Enjoy at least 2 weeks of rest - and take time to figure what’s right for u and ur mum going forward xx

 

[Alex53]

What an awful day 😢 my mum refused to get dressed and co-operate this morning, screaming, crying as she said she was not going into respite. My brother talked her round. Anyway managed to get her there, what a shock it was to see other residents there, just slumped in chairs, asleep .. I feel like I’m the worst daughter in the world .. just want to bring her back home now even though I’m completely exhausted caring for her .. what should I do? Xx

 

[Gosling]

It's always gut wrenching to leave a loved one in a care home, even if it is respite care @Alex53 . Sadly, care homes are often full with residents in various stages of dementia, and it can be very worrying to see that. BUT, you are also the important one in this situation and You need a break. You are not the worst daughter at all; after all what good would you be to you Mum if you became ill or totally burnt out? I'm sure she will be well looked after for two weeks, and will allow you some 'me time' hopefully. Please try to be kind and gentle to yourself.

 

[Talli13]

What an awful day 😢 my mum refused to get dressed and co-operate this morning, screaming, crying as she said she was not going into respite. My brother talked her round. Anyway managed to get her there, what a shock it was to see other residents there, just slumped in chairs, asleep .. I feel like I’m the worst daughter in the world .. just want to bring her back home now even though I’m completely exhausted caring for her .. what should I do? Xx

Hi @Alex53 - am sending all my love to you. I'm at this point now. I've tried my best but this illness has beaten me too. My advice to you is to let her go where she is safe & cared for. You will cry & feel guilty but you've done best you can take it from someone who knows. Even though you know what's coming it's totally different to it actually happening. I've been caring full time for mum since 2015 & the other day it was taken out of my hands, the relief & guilt are natural🫂my heart goes out to you please know you are not alone and you have to be proud of yourself for coming this far x

 

[sdmhred]

You’ve done the right thing @Alex53. You must rest now. Your mum will be looked after - she may even like it a little bit.

 

[Talli13]

Totally agree @sdmhred the mum I knew would never have wanted to be in a place such as care home etc. But I've seen myself how being amongst people has given my mum a lease of life She's got to point where the quality of life at home is less than that being amongst so much going on especially as she cannot read or watch tv properly. I hope @Alex53 that this will help the fear you must naturally feel I honestly used to feel exactly same as you🫂

 

[canary]

managed to get her there, what a shock it was to see other residents there, just slumped in chairs, asleep

Im guessing you arrived in the afternoon.
The typical day in a care home has activities in the mornings when the residents are at their brightest and the home often has a busy vibe, but then in the afternoons most of them are tired and want an afternoon nap in their room, or snooze in the lounge so there is a much more quiet vibe

 

[Talli13]

Im guessing you arrived in the afternoon.
The typical day in a care home has activities in the mornings when the residents are at their brightest and the home often has a busy vibe, but then in the afternoons most of them are tired and want an afternoon nap in their room, or snooze in the lounge so there is a much more quiet vibe

This is totally true also 👍it gets to point where they doze after midday meal (or indeed any meal) not a bad thing especially if they've been sundowing really badly. Funnily enough I hopped back on here because something that @canary said a long time ago has really stuck in my head - ie when you're letting a loved one go into care its a lot like first day of school, whether it's a partner or parent it's heartbreaking I hope you can take comfort from knowing we all go through this @Alex53 🫂

Eta - because as with a parent you will feel like you have become the parent. This is sadly normal i have learnt. I wholeheartedly advise calling the support line just to know you are not alone & to talk to someone if you are on your own. No one is an island none of us would be able to cope without these shared experiences x

 

[Spotify]

Hi All. I’m new to this forum. I care for my mum full time who has stage 5 dementia and had to give up work for a while. My mum is going into respite tomorrow for 2 weeks as I am completely burnt out 😫 can anybody make me feel better about this awful situation as I feel so cruel for making this decision, but finding it more and more difficult to look after her. Thank you xx

You need this break from this soul destroying disease This is not your fault looked after my husband for 4years in a care home now sectioned twice Iam sure if your mum knew how you are suffering she would want you to this and totally understand please be kind to yourself this is not a cruel decision it is a cruel disease god bless🙏❤️

 

[Talli13]

You need this break from this soul destroying disease This is not your fault looked after my husband for 4years in a care home now sectioned twice Iam sure if your mum knew how you are suffering she would want you to this and totally understand please be kind to yourself this is not a cruel decision it is a cruel disease god bless🙏❤️

Never a truer word said @Spotify I've come to conclusion that when my mum in a better place she will understand everything I've done 🫂xx