My Mother

[Teddybear12]

I feel my mother has been suffering with Alzheimer's for three years and I missed the early signs due to living in my own world. I now live with her being her full time carer unable to work at this time due to her needing me. My thoughts now are selling up her home buying nearer my sister( 250 miles away) so we could share her care. Another idea was to live with me in the Philippines and obviously set her medication up there .But I fear taking her out of her normal environment would be to stressful any thoughts I am feeling tied down at the moment am I being selfish? any thoughts please?

 

[Beate]

it is important to first know what support facilities there are in your area and any area you want to move her. So before you relocate someone, especially to another country half way around the world with a different climate, different health system and different food, please research as thoroughly as you can what would happen if you needed help when there. What is social care like, what are the hospitals like, how easy could you get her meds, who pays and how much would it cost!? Apart from your sister, are there any other relatives, here or in the Philippines? Are they willing to help? Has someone got power of attorney for her?

Have you asked Adult Social Care for help where you live now? It's the state who has duty of care for her, not any individual. Could she go to a day centre to enable you to at least work part time? You shouldn't have to move her to receive help, and yes, it can be disruptive to move someone. Some people adapt quickly, others don't. What is your sister saying about potentially being roped into care for Mum?

 

[Teddybear12]

it is important to first know what support facilities there are in your area and any area you want to move her. So before you relocate someone, especially to another country half way around the world with a different climate, different health system and different food, please research as thoroughly as you can what would happen if you needed help when there. What is social care like, what are the hospitals like, how easy could you get her meds, who pays and how much would it cost!? Apart from your sister, are there any other relatives, here or in the Philippines? Are they willing to help? Has someone got power of attorney for her?

Have you asked Adult Social Care for help where you live now? It's the state who has duty of care for her, not any individual. Could she go to a day centre to enable you to at least work part time? You shouldn't have to move her to receive help, and yes, it can be disruptive to move someone. Some people adapt quickly, others don't. What is your sister saying about potentially being roped into care for Mum?

Thanks for your advise Beate. I feel social care switched off as soon as they got mum out of Hospital in my case. The day care access was said to have been outside the weekly budget of mum. When I offered to pay they said I couldn't .
Regarding the move oversea all medicines would be paid privately, i have joint power of attorney with my sister who really has switched off or the situation is too daunting for her and lives 6 hours away so that's why the move closer to her is an idea to share the help.
There is no social care in the Philippines its the family and I have plenty there to help. I find there is not a lot of social care here as I get no back up what so ever.You can only swim so far
P/S I am doing the medical research for mums health needs overseas.tx

 

[arielsmelody]

I feel my mother has been suffering with Alzheimer's for three years and I missed the early signs due to living in my own world. I now live with her being her full time carer unable to work at this time due to her needing me. My thoughts now are selling up her home buying nearer my sister( 250 miles away) so we could share her care. Another idea was to live with me in the Philippines and obviously set her medication up there .But I fear taking her out of her normal environment would be to stressful any thoughts I am feeling tied down at the moment am I being selfish? any thoughts please?

It's a little bit difficult to understand your situation. I think you and your sister both live in the UK, but you are living with your mum at the moment and your sister lives six hours drive away? You are thinking of moving with your mum either closer to your sister in the UK or to the Philippines where you have family? Did your mum grow up in the Philippines - would she be returning to her childhood home area and family, or would it all be completely new to her? How would your sister feel if you both moved away? Do you have income to support you there?

 

[Teddybear12]

It's a little bit difficult to understand your situation. I think you and your sister both live in the UK, but you are living with your mum at the moment and your sister lives six hours drive away? You are thinking of moving with your mum either closer to your sister in the UK or to the Philippines where you have family? Did your mum grow up in the Philippines - would she be returning to her childhood home area and family, or would it all be completely new to her? How would your sister feel if you both moved away? Do you have income to support you there?

My mother is English we would have her and my pensions plus other means to financially help us .My sister is not sharing the care load due to logistics but also it seems can not bring herself to aid my mother in the love she needs. For me to stay in the UK I feel on a purely selfish way I would be treading water and waiting for the sad end of my mother and over seas I would have plenty of people to share the care. Sorry if I sound mercenary .

 

[canary]

Hello Teddybear. I do not think that you come across as mercenary - dementia requires practicalities and finances are part of this. I understand that you want your mum cared for by part of a loving community of friends and relatives, but it may not be that simple. There often comes a time when love (however deep and heartfelt) is not enough. She is likely to be very confused by the change in culture, although I assume that everyone will speak English (she is likely to forget any other language that she may have learned). How will you cope when she insists on going home and walking out of wherever she is staying - perhaps in the middle of the night? Or she becomes doubly incontinent and resists anyone changing her? Or she screams non-stop for hours? Becomes violent - throwing things at people, spitting at them, lashing out/biting/scratching them? What happens when she loses her mobility? At mums care home they have hoists to lift the immobile residents and people trained in how to use them - will you have access to this? If she is left immobile for too long she will develop pressure sores - could you deal with this? Will you have access to a pressure mattress?

Do the people that you have assumed will be helping to look after her know what they will be letting themselves in for and are they actually willing to do it? They are not trained in dementia care. So often we assume that family will help, but it ends up on the shoulders of one person.

Im sorry about all the questions. You do not have to answer. It would be nice if it worked out as you hope, but I think you need to think long and hard about the practicalities.

 

[Teddybear12]

Hello Teddybear. I do not think that you come across as mercenary - dementia requires practicalities and finances are part of this. I understand that you want your mum cared for by part of a loving community of friends and relatives, but it may not be that simple. There often comes a time when love (however deep and heartfelt) is not enough. She is likely to be very confused by the change in culture, although I assume that everyone will speak English (she is likely to forget any other language that she may have learned). How will you cope when she insists on going home and walking out of wherever she is staying - perhaps in the middle of the night? Or she becomes doubly incontinent and resists anyone changing her? Or she screams non-stop for hours? Becomes violent - throwing things at people, spitting at them, lashing out/biting/scratching them? What happens when she loses her mobility? At mums care home they have hoists to lift the immobile residents and people trained in how to use them - will you have access to this? If she is left immobile for too long she will develop pressure sores - could you deal with this? Will you have access to a pressure mattress?

Do the people that you have assumed will be helping to look after her know what they will be letting themselves in for and are they actually willing to do it? They are not trained in dementia care. So often we assume that family will help, but it ends up on the shoulders of one person.

Im sorry about all the questions. You do not have to answer. It would be nice if it worked out as you hope, but I think you need to think long and hard about the practicalities.

Dear Canary
I understand fully what you are saying regarding care homes and professional people and equipment. I would then be struggling at what point would the time come to place mum in a home as at this time she has just showing slight signs of dementia. Eat's well sleeps well etc .

 

[canary]

Dear Canary
I understand fully what you are saying regarding care homes and professional people and equipment. I would then be struggling at what point would the time come to place mum in a home as at this time she has just showing slight signs of dementia. Eat's well sleeps well etc .

Unfortunately it is impossible to predict. All our lives would be so much easier if we knew exactly at what points things would happen. There have been reports on here of people who have reached that stage in a matter of months - others it has taken several years. The only thing that is certain is that dementia will progress. Unless she dies of something else first (like a stroke) your mum will travel the whole of the dementia journey. The things that I have mentioned are typical of mid and late stage dementia and may last several years. I think that if you are saying that you would struggle at that stage then I am wondering what you would do. Would you be thinking that she could come back to UK? It is a long flight from the Philippians to here - she may not be able to travel that far at that stage. This is why people have asked about social care where you go.

 

[Peirre]

As she is still in the early stages, an option could be to seek out a retirement village close to home or close to you sister, then maybe a CH in the later stages, this would enable her to monitor your mother but not personnelly be involved in her care. You could then return to the Philippines and visit as often as time permits. Your mother would receive the care she needs without the stress to yourself or your sister of becoming her long term carer.
As already touched on, IMO I'm not convinced taking someone out of their comfort zone to another country then potentially bringing them back in mid to late stages is a good idea. Moving them once or twice within the uk would be a better idea.

 

[Teddybear12]

Unfortunately it is impossible to predict. All our lives would be so much easier if we knew exactly at what points things would happen. There have been reports on here of people who have reached that stage in a matter of months - others it has taken several years. The only thing that is certain is that dementia will progress. Unless she dies of something else first (like a stroke) your mum will travel the whole of the dementia journey. The things that I have mentioned are typical of mid and late stage dementia and may last several years. I think that if you are saying that you would struggle at that stage then I am wondering what you would do. Would you be thinking that she could come back to UK? It is a long flight from the Philippians to here - she may not be able to travel that far at that stage. This is why people have asked about social care where you go.

Thank you Canary for your thoughts and advise .The Philippines was purely a thought that mum would be with me but there is so much more to the situation than I am thinking so more research needed possibly a no go .Its after planning to retire early there my life is now on hold but I am not alone obviously .watch this space x

 

[Teddybear12]

As she is still in the early stages, an option could be to seek out a retirement village close to home or close to you sister, then maybe a CH in the later stages, this would enable her to monitor your mother but not personnelly be involved in her care. You could then return to the Philippines and visit as often as time permits. Your mother would receive the care she needs without the stress to yourself or your sister of becoming her long term carer.
As already touched on, IMO I'm not convinced taking someone out of their comfort zone to another country then potentially bringing them back in mid to late stages is a good idea. Moving them once or twice within the uk would be a better idea.

Thanks Peirre, yes taking in your ideas .More to look in to.