My grandad is obsessed with a woman

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by UnicornReality, Jun 20, 2015.

  1. UnicornReality

    UnicornReality Registered User

    Jun 20, 2015
    Hi ladies and gents. I'm hoping you might be able to give me some advice.

    My grandad has been in and out of hospital since the end of last year. It ended with him having a small stroke. Grandma died suddenly four years ago and he became more and more forgetful after that. Resulting in us having to leave notes for him to remind him to do things. Short term memory is very bad and long term is okay but with frequent changes depending on his mood! He failed the memory test in hospital and due to his issues with mobility he went into a residential home.

    At first he hated it and was determined to get home but gradually he accepted it as long as he could go out once a week and go to church on a Sunday. This was fine and with visitors multiple times a day he was content.

    He spent a bit of time in his room at the start but then he mingled a bit and met another resident and this is how our issues started. Before I go on we are really happy that he has a friend in the home it makes it easier to know he's happy and with someone to talk to.

    But he is obsessed. Over the last two months it has gotten to the stage where she is all he thinks of. He will follow her around the home, even walking her to the toilet and waiting for her. She was dancing with another lady when I visited once and he walked up to stand by her and I just sat on my own! He makes excuses like he wants to stretch his legs or he normally goes to sit in another room etc.

    The carer told us the other day that he won't eat if she isn't eating or go to the loo if she doesn't need it. He now waits up until she goes to bed before he will go to bed himself. He doesn't listen to us if we say put a pad on but will if she says to. He no longer goes to church and it's got to the stage where my cousins are cutting down their visits as he either ignores them or brings this lady in on every conversation. I asked if he wanted to go for a day out but he said he'd only go if this lady went and it didn't matter how many times I or the carer explained that legally we can't he still wouldn't have it. He actually told my mum and cousin to leave the other day as they were talking and "spoiling <lady's> time" she even turned round and said they weren't but he was frustrated that she was talking to someone else and he couldn't hear!

    Gosh. Wall of text. I am sorry. So! Tl;dr Grandad is becoming increasingly obsessed with a lady in his residential home to the point he doesn't do anything without her and we worry about her getting annoyed or God forbid dying as we don't know what would happen. I just would like someone else's viewpoint.

    Thank you.
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    I wonder if your Grandad now sees this lady as his security? It's often posted on this Forum how Dementia sufferers stay close to the people who represent their security and safety. It is easy to get distressed with Dementia-any change of routine could do that, hence him refusing to go out for they day.

    'Shadowing' is also a feature of Dementia-maybe he doesn't eat when the lady isn't because he uses her as someone to look to to see how he should act with cutlery etc.

    No harm is being done at the moment-as long as the lady involved doesn't object BUT I understand why you are worried that your Grandad would suffer if the lady passed away.

    Of course, as is the nature of dementia, things may change. Your Grandads fixation may lessen as his Dementia increases-or he may transfer his affections to someone else.

    Have the Carers expressed their concern?

    Take care

    Lyn T
  3. UnicornReality

    UnicornReality Registered User

    Jun 20, 2015
    Hi. My grandad is more capable than this lady, she can't dress herself, use a pen without help etc.

    The carers have said they have noticed, it's in his notes and they are keeping watch.

    My mother has just phoned me and apparently today he was shouting at the top of his voice how he hates it and how he's paying all that money etc! The carers advised us to go every other day maybe.
  4. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    North East
    Hmmm. I have a similar problem with my Dad but the other way round. A lady has latched herself onto him. We have been worried about it but to be honest my Dad has been much more content in care since this happened. He was really unhappy in care at first and missed my mum who died last year but now seems to have a new lease of life. There's nothing in it but one good thing is that his speech us better as he was increasingly isolated as he struggles with his speech. Often I visit but feel surplus to requirements but it's nice to see him content. We have decided to live and let live. The carers are keeping a close watch in case of any problems. X
  5. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    This has happened to my mum too but the other lady thinks my mum is a man and she is my son!My mum is 83 and I know this has been stressful on me but I mean ....
  6. Weary

    Weary Registered User

    Aug 1, 2014
    Im afraid these obsessions are part of this horrible disease. My 80 year old FIL was obsessed that my 79 year old MIL who also had alzheimers had men in her room that she was having sex with all the time and used to spend all day trying to find evidence. You can imagine the rows and unhappiness it caused. He 'found' imaginary love letters , used condoms and even pubic hairs in her bed even though he was partially sighted! If it wasnt so tragic and soul destroying you would laugh but its no laughing matter when you are trying to cope with it all.

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