My father won't admit there's a problem

[JMU]

Hi, I'm new to this.
I am in my late twenties and live alone with my father, who is 76. My father's mental health has been deteriorating steadily over the last eighteen months, but he will not seek help for it. Having read up on the signs of dementia, I am certain that he has it, he has displayed all of the symptoms over the last couple of years, but I feel completely unable to help him.
My grandmother died from Alzheimer's, living out the last of her life in a care home barely knowing who anybody was. Shortly after she died my grandfather followed, seemingly having just given up without her. My father spent much of his early life in hospital, having contracted tuberculosis at the age of eight, and from the sound of it, did not always have an easy time of it. All of these factors seem to have combined to make my father wary of seeking any help now. Instead he has come to rely wholly on me. He is now at the point where he cannot get money out of a cash machine without me directing him how to, and he has difficulty holding conversations without losing the thread of what he's saying, forgetting words or getting things mixed up. He also gets very confused about who people are amongst his friends and family.
I've found myself trapped in this place where I have become his full time carer, but cannot seek any help for it. I have siblings, who are aware that he has become 'a little forgetful', but see it as natural signs of his age, not living with him, and as I am the only person he will talk to about it I am unable to change their minds. They are of the opinion that if he doesn't want to seek help, that is his decision. In the meantime I find my own health suffering from caring for him while holding down a full time job, and the constant worries I have when I'm away from home.
Our relationship is complicated by the fact that my mother had mental health problems, and there's this whole other history underneath what's going on right now. It means the atmosphere at home is very tense, and one or the other of us frequently becomes angry and aggressive at the smallest things. I am now getting to the point where I am worried about what will happen next, not to mention financial worries for the future when things do get worse.
Does anyone know where I can get support in a way that doesn't upset him, or have any suggestions about what I can do next?

 

[Butter]

I am so sorry for all the worry and stress you have been having. I am sure there are plenty of straightforward things you can do which will help the situation. The first thing I would do is go to your GP. You can mention your health and explain everything about your father's health. If you have the same GP as your father that would help but it is not essential.
There are plenty of people here who will give you much more detailed advice. But my son is a bit younger than you (22) and sometimes I leave him for a few days with my huband (his father) as he can be much more patient and successful with him than I can. But not always. Sometimes he gets thoroughly exasperated and very angry. Just as I do. None of us are saints and it is impossible not to get really angry sometimes.
The fact that nobody who does not live with the sufferer realises what is going on is absolutely normal. My husband has 4 children but only the 22 year old lives with us - and he feels badly let down by his siblings who think we are exaggerating everything.
So keep your courage. Listen to all the wise people here on Talking Point - they can guide you all the way through this. Keep posting.
xxx

 

[chucky]

My siblings were a bit like yours and they would keep on at me, /its his age,/ hes not that bad, /he didnt do it when i was there, blah blah blah. Eventually worn to a frazzle i asked my brother to move in with dad to sleep over at night so that he wasnt left alone. Im so glad i did because after 3 or 4 weeks he was driven to distraction with him. I proved my point. Ive since been told by them they dont know how i managed for so long on my own. However, they still werent prepared to take a hands on roll in caring for my dad and regretably i had to send my dad in to a CH. I would suggest you do the same, arrange a holiday or time away for your self and ask one of your siblings to take on the roll you are enduring. Im sure once theyve experienced first hand the 24/7 grind and all that it entails they'll have a different perspective and you can sit down as a family and discuss what the next step should be. Just because you live with him doesnt mean they shouldnt help. Make a stand and get your point across, its their dad too.

 

[JoshuaTree]

I'm lucky enough to have a brother who was interested enough to take notice for the 2 hours every 2 weeks he saw Mum. He could clearly see what was going on but even he couldn't really experience the full extent only what i told him. It was him who infact took action by contacting her GP before I did

 

[carpe diem]

Hi has your farther had an official diagnosis?
Do you have an LPA?
You can get lots of advice from your GP but this thread on communication helped me the most.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ion-with-the-Memory-Impaired&highlight=specal

 

[JMU]

Hi, thanks for your advice.
I am shortly due to go away for a week to stay with friends. It is something I do yearly and has become really important to me as my only time away from home. I have previously asked my sister in a vague way to keep an eye on dad while I am gone (the first 'incident' took place at a time when I was away), but she has a family and a job of her own, and cannot spare much time. However it is now at the point where I am really worried that he can't cope alone (and look after our two cats), so I'm trying to work out a way to impress this upon her before I leave. I know she will do what she can, but whether this will make any difference in the long term I don't know. Unfortunately she is the only family member nearby whom I can ask for help.
My father has not received any official diagnosis. I have tried to bring a visit to the doctor's up in a 'light' way on several occasions but the suggestion is always ignored or he gets aggressive. He has no worries about seeing a doctor for other problems. No one in my family is good about talking about their problems (myself included), we are more the 'bottle it up' type. I know all the pitfalls of taking this approach but still find it very difficult to reach out. Even doing this is a huge step for me. The same kind of goes for seeing a GP for myself. When I think about it I start to make excuses- it's not that important, there's nothing seriously the matter. Also if I did, we attend different doctor's surgeries. I don't know if this would have an impact?
I realise I'm now at the point where I have to make some kind of decision for the both of us. I don't know how much more I can give him, before it has a serious impact on my life. I have previously suffered depression and I swore it was something I would never go through again, yet in my current position I fear that's where I will end up. If that is the case we will be no good for each other (sorry, that came out rather dramatic).
As for the financial worries, I have read in other blogs the issues that arise around the person with dementia needing to pay for their own care if they own a house. My father owns ours. It is the one in which I have spent most of my life, and it is all either of us has. Years ago he impressed upon me what would happen if such an issue as this did arise. I can see it coming, and fear that in a few years time, on top of everything else, I shall find myself homeless and needing to start a new life on my own.

 

[Butter]

It is good you can get your sister involved. If you leave everything to her for a while she will surely get a truer picture of how things are.
Yes it is difficult to begin to air these worries but, as you say, if you don't you will only make things worse for everybody in the long run. Start with your GP. You could always write things down before you go if that would help.

 

[bunnies]

I really feel for you in this difficult situation, where there is no easy answer. You are doing the best you can, but in the future it is very likely that it will become too much for you - at least for you on your own - it is only a question of when. Don't feel you will have to cope with this forever, because at some point you will need to bring others into help. I think it might be best to start thinking this through now, so that when the time comes you are mentally prepared. You may not be able to force a diagnosis now, but that doesn't stop you thinking through what may happen. Your siblings have to understand that you cannot take sole responsibility forever. I suspect the tricky thing is that you live with your father so you are perceived by them to have greater responsibility.

If you are willing to take this on, then that's fine, but if you aren't you need to be putting out some markers now. In the short term, going away is a good time to put out a marker and let your sister really understand what the situation is.

In the longer term you will need to think about whether you will want to carry on living in the house when your father becomes more ill. It is a big undertaking, and I don't know that I would be able to make that decision. Could you begin to think through if this is what you really want?

In the immediate term, do take your time away and let other people take some responsibility...

 

[carpe diem]

Hi it's really important to get power of attorney. You can download the forms from the OPG and start filling them out, they are long but have lots of help guides and you can phone them too.
Keep records/diaries of all the difficulties your dad has and phone his GP.
None of this happens overnight it took us years to persuade my mum to sign an LPA and get a diagnosis, but be patient and don't give up trying, it will happen eventually.
I also understand totally about you not going to see your own GP I have the exact same attitude but what I managed to convince myself would be nothing, for several years, did turn out to be cancer and it could have been much easier if I'd have gone earlier. But I can't preach as I still won't go and have my follow up checks. The only thing that sometimes help me go is a bribe.
With AD sometimes a white lie, a bribe and devious, imaginative lengths are necessary, all with a loved ones best interests at heart.

 

[LadyA]

Could you see your dad's GP? I'm not familiar with the system over there. My husband was showing symptoms years before anyone else would believe me, but I eventually went to his GP and explained what was happening. He was brilliant - he believed me, called William in for "a routine checkup", probed a bit, didn't get very far with him that time, but over a few years as William deteriorated, the GP was right there, with support. He knew and I knew, and he put me in touch with the Carer's Association who got me on a Carer's Training Course, from which I got on a course in Elderly/Dementia Care. You really need to start shaking trees to see what falls down! Does your dad have a Will made? Dementia aside, if he doesn't that leaves you in a vulnurable position. Could you suggest that you think you should make a Will - and in fact everyone should have a Will made, because it leaves an awful mess for family to sort out if someone dies without one, so maybe you could both make one at the same time? That's what I did with William (being a second wife, and he having several adult children from his first marriage!) to ensure that our home was secured to me and my daughter.

As regards your break, hard as it might be, I would say don't even think of cancelling. Maybe it needs to happen for your dad to find that without you there as his crutch, he actually does have a problem.

 

[Margaret W]

You need to get your father to alter the ownership of your house to being Tenants in Common. If that it the situation and your father needs care home facilities, the value of the house will be zero - you would own half of it, and there is no market for half a house.

 

[JMU]

He does have a will. I've not read it, but I do know he's left the house to me. Having buried both my mother and an uncle after they died intestate, I and my siblings have been through that process before! (The rather unusual set up of our family made us next of kin on both occasions.) I will look into the Tenants in Common thing, it sounds like it might be of some help. My Dad always said he would sign the house over to me one day, but he believed there had to be so many years between him doing so and become ill before it was made valid, which made him reluctant. I don't know if this would be the case here.
I'm trying to work up the nerve to speak to my sister next. I'm probably being a little unfair on my siblings, I know they would try to help if I could make them understand. It's as much as anything the fact that they have their own lives away from home that puts me off. And a part of me doesn't want to make things harder, which is foolish because as a family unit we do work much better. I guess it doesn't help that there is quite an age gap between myself and my siblings, and they've always been much closer to each other than I have. Not their fault, my sister is the eldest, then I have two brothers, and they've always seen her as the 'wise mother' of the family. I've always been a bit more difficult! Anyway if I can get anywhere with her we can try to figure out what to do next, including legal stuff.
I don't know what I can do regarding his GP. I did used to belong to the same surgery as my father, but chose to move on for several reasons, one of which was how unhelpful they had been to me in the past. I don't think for a minute it was intentional but they seem to have so many fixed ideas about what they can and can't do that it makes it hard for them to do anything. Perhaps I am being unfair there too.

 

[Caroline2014]

Been there

Do try and take him to the GP if only on the excuse of some other ailment or a flu jab so that he can do some memory tests on him. My father kept passing these without as problem even though there was serious issues with him. It took some time before the GP admitted there was a problem.

Please do try and get the house signed over to you now before his mental capacity is in question. This will avoid any problems with having to use mental health experts to pacify the solicitors. Don't worry about what your siblings think, you have to look after yourself.