My family want to ignore my Nans diagnosis

[Fairypixie92]

Hi I am a granddaughter of my 93 Y/O Nan who has 9 children (7 survived). Since covid she has had sever memory issues and confusion. The whole two years my
Aunty has told me she has a urine infection etc and she is being treated with antibiotics. It was so overwhelming to read an NHS letter stating my Nan has been diagnosed with advanced dementia. She thinks she’s been left at the coast in a caravan and my family still deny she has dementia. This evening my cousin has written in a group chat that Nan was confused again talking about house sitting and she didn’t know where she was. Well I said Nan has dementia so please educate yourself on it as you can’t correct her as this upsets her etc. my
Cousin told me straight away this was a wrong diagnosis!! I’m really upset that they ignore her illness because it is awful and hard to deal with. Her dog died two days ago of 12 years and she had forgotten what she was crying about. It is so hard right now to not have support for my Nan, I would want better for her but feel totally powerless. I’ve just had a baby and return to work soon. I’m doing what I can on my maternity leave but I don’t know how to cope with my family anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how to tackle these attitudes? Or advice for me on how to best help my Nan? She currently has carers 3 times a day. They are just standard ones. But they are good even though not specially for dementia patients. I just feel so helpless. Thanks

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Fairypixie92. This is a very friendly and supportive place so I’m glad you found us.
I’m sorry your concerns about your Nan brought you here. Trying to do what’s best for a relative with dementia can cause fall outs in even the closest families. My husband and his siblings came close to totally falling out with each other over the best way to care for their mother. It took a lot of phone calls, emails and zoom meetings to move forward with a plan they were all at least content with.
Is your aunt your man’s main carer? If so maybe have a chat with her. Don’t accuse, but just say you’re a bit confused because you’ve seen a letter saying she dementia but no one has told you about it. If your aunt also thinks it’s a mistake you can take it from there. At the moment whether they think she has dementia or not it sounds like things are at least ok. Most carers coming in will be familiar with dementia, and they will also flag up concerns to the family. My husband and I thought my mother in law should have moved into care a couple of years before she actually did. It was only when the carers said that’s what she needed that the rest of the family agreed.
Finally as my lovely MiL used to say, look after you. Your own family and well-being are the most important thing at the moment.

 

[canary]

Hello @Fairypixie92

It is hard when the rest of the family are in denial. You must be feeling so cross and yet so heartbroken. It must have been difficult reading that letter.

With your nan, though, it is about managing risk and it sounds like family are muddling through, even if they dont believe it is dementia. Im very glad that there are carers going in - they will have some dementia training, but no agency exists specifically for dementia. Having them coming in three times a day is pretty good though and if they think that your nan needs more care they will let the family know, and if they think the family is putting her at risk because they are in denial they will inform Social Services, so you have a safety net there. I would contact the care agency and see whether they know that your nan has been diagnosed with dementia. They have probably already guessed, even if the agency hasnt been told, but it is useful for them to be sure.

Finally, congratulations on the coming birth of your baby. Your baby will have the greatest priority in your life, so look after yourself and baby
xxx

 

[Fairypixie92]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Fairypixie92. This is a very friendly and supportive place so I’m glad you found us.
I’m sorry your concerns about your Nan brought you here. Trying to do what’s best for a relative with dementia can cause fall outs in even the closest families. My husband and his siblings came close to totally falling out with each other over the best way to care for their mother. It took a lot of phone calls, emails and zoom meetings to move forward with a plan they were all at least content with.
Is your aunt your man’s main carer? If so maybe have a chat with her. Don’t accuse, but just say you’re a bit confused because you’ve seen a letter saying she dementia but no one has told you about it. If your aunt also thinks it’s a mistake you can take it from there. At the moment whether they think she has dementia or not it sounds like things are at least ok. Most carers coming in will be familiar with dementia, and they will also flag up concerns to the family. My husband and I thought my mother in law should have moved into care a couple of years before she actually did. It was only when the carers said that’s what she needed that the rest of the family agreed.
Finally as my lovely MiL used to say, look after you. Your own family and well-being are the most important thing at the moment.

Hiya thanks for your message. My aunt is my Nans main carer currently. But because they are elderly and also having health problems they rely on other younger members of the family like myself to take care of my Nan. Which is a privilege to me because I love her so much. She was like my second mother growing up. Because of how large our family is and everyone has an opinion I just think there will never be discussions on my Nans care. We are just plodding along at the moment but now her dog is gone I feel like things are downhill from here although I don’t really know what I want for her. I just want what’s best. Thanks so much for your message and support.

 

[Fairypixie92]

Hello @Fairypixie92

It is hard when the rest of the family are in denial. You must be feeling so cross and yet so heartbroken. It must have been difficult reading that letter.

With your nan, though, it is about managing risk and it sounds like family are muddling through, even if they dont believe it is dementia. Im very glad that there are carers going in - they will have some dementia training, but no agency exists specifically for dementia. Having them coming in three times a day is pretty good though and if they think that your nan needs more care they will let the family know, and if they think the family is putting her at risk because they are in denial they will inform Social Services, so you have a safety net there. I would contact the care agency and see whether they know that your nan has been diagnosed with dementia. They have probably already guessed, even if the agency hasnt been told, but it is useful for them to be sure.

Finally, congratulations on the coming birth of your baby. Your baby will have the greatest priority in your life, so look after yourself and baby
xxx

Hello, I was very upset and cross to read the letter because I sort of knew it was dementia because of her cognitive decline but told myself I was wrong for so long. My aunt just kept saying she has a UTI again and she’s got antibiotics. I used to think ok, maybe she will improve. But it has worsened.

The carers are wonderful and deal with my Nan very well. I’m very happy with them. I guess I’m just irritated at the lack of understanding from my family. They try to correct her a lot when she thinks she’s somewhere she’s not or thinks my grandad is coming home after work (he died 30 years ago). She doesn’t know her son has passed away and it’s just very sad when family members don’t recognise her illness.

She adores my baby when I visit and lights up with the biggest smile. She calls him the professor because she thinks he is very forward. I love my Nan to bits it’s such a sad time in her life. Thank you so much for your message.