My dear Mum

[AnneD]

My dearest Mum lost her battle with Alzheimers on 14 December - she was 92 years old.

I coped extremely well, I thought. It was what she wanted, she had really had enough and told me many times she wanted to be with her Mum and Dad. We couldn't have the funeral until 3 January and I was fine at the funeral (which i really didn't think i would be!)

However, since then, I just seem to be getting worse. I went straight back to work but feel as if I am floating, I keep getting shaky - is this due to my loss? Has anyone else ever experienced it?

Mum was such a huge part of my life and it now seems empty without her, yet I feel guilty wishing she was still here because I now she was in torment.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[sleepless]

I am so sorry for your loss, AnneD. Your mum is now at peace, and this knowledge can be of comfort -- but you have lost your mum, and you will grieve for her, and part of that grieving is wishing she could still be here.
This is only natural. Sometimes after a death a sort of adrenaline keeps us going, and we accomplish so much -- funeral etc. then getting back to 'normal'.
Then this phase ends, and it can be then that we feel under par, with physical symptoms such as you describe.
We all grieve differently, and nothing is right or wrong. Just go with it, remember that you have been through something life-changing and be easy on yourself for the next few weeks and months.
My mum died before Christmas (2004) and her funeral was just before the new year. It makes a difficult time even harder, I think.
Wishing you peace and comfort,
sleepless

 

[CollegeGirl]

Anne, please accept my condolences on the death of your dear mum.

I think the feeling of detachment you describe is probably a normal reaction at this stage, although I admit I don't have personal experience. However, it's also a classic sign of depression, so if it goes on too long, please do see your GP and ask for some help. That doesn't have to be medication, there are other things to try, but you don't have to suffer on your own.

Do let us know how you get on, and I hope you feel better soon x

 

[at wits end]

Hi Anne,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum, it will be a very difficult time for you.

WHen I lost my Mum 8 years ago a friend of hers came up to me at the funeral and said ' You never get over losing your Mum, you just get used to it'. ANd I think that is very true. I miss my Mum terribly, made a little bit worse by the fact I then became HER Mums carer.

I would say take it one day at a time, dont think too far ahead, just aim on getting through each day. and try and find a little time each day to do something for YOU. Be it ten minutes with a newspaper, or standing at the window watching the world go by. Something that you consciously choose to do because you'd enjoy it.

Talk to your boss at work and explain how hard you are finding grieving for your mother, and if need be dont be afraid to go and speak to your GP to see if he/she can help you a little with the transition. I had six months of anti-Depressants which really helped me through the very worst of it.

It does ease over time, I still think about my Mum every day and often have a cry, but you can return to a full functional life in time.

Good Luck.
x

 

[SisterAct]

Hi Anne
Sorry for the loss of your Mum.
We lost our Mum 15 years ago this month and what your Mum's friend said was true.

You are still grieving for someone who was so special in your life. At the moment there is a huge void that you think will never be filled. Take one day at a time and hold on to those happy memories, they will help you through the sad times.

We melted down some gold jewellery of ours, Mums and Dads and had a special piece of jewellery made from it. We get a lot of comfort from that.

Your tears and feelings are just an expression of the love you had for your Mum. That love will never go away but the tears of sadness will gradually be replaced with wonderful memories. It does take time. Time is the healer.
Luv
Barb and Polly
xx

 

[thecurs1]

Foating also

Dear Anne,
I do understand your feeling floaty. I felt the same disconnect after my dad died and my role of carer (and of someone who simply loved him) was gone. I think that feeling came from literally being uprooted from what I was doing. Not only that but when a parent dies we become a little bit orphaned and despite having looked after them, it's still the loss of our mum or dad.
You might have started work too soon, but often we have no choice. Keep very kind to yourself if you can. Eventually I came back down to earth from floating and found my place on solid ground without him, to simply grieve his death. All the best. Isanna

 

[Noorza]

I am so sorry for your loss and this really is very early days for you. I don't think there is a right or wrong to grieving or any real time scale, it just is. I remember when I lost my Dad, I was just fourteen I didn't shed a tear for a week, I knew he was dying but it left me totally numb. When the coffin went into the ground I started crying and couldn't stop. I can't explain it, it just happens when it happens. Talking and sharing is a positive thing.

 

[happisoo]

I'm so sorry for your loss Anne. It is such a strange feeling - as another member said, the adrenaline is there for a while to get through the immediate afterwards but then things do change. My mum died last June and I'm aware of how I am with my grief for her. I have sobbed mightily at times and other times genuinely felt at peace. As others have rightly said there is no right and wrong about how you 'should' feel. It's important you allow yourself to be how you are, which can be tricky I know when all you want is to be 'normal' again. But something has happened to you - your mum has passed on and things will never be the same again. But you are still a wonderful, caring and loving soul, be proud of yourself, how you cared for your mum, how you managed a busy, frustrating and bewildering time/schedule for you and for her. Be very proud of yourself. Talk to others about your feelings, physical and emotional. Maybe the physical shakes are internal tears that haven't come through yet..... blessings to you. xxxx

 

[AnneD]

Thank you so much for your comforting words regarding the loss of my Mum. I wish others would be as compassionate. I found out on Friday that my boss is intending to change my contract from 52 weeks per year, 27 hours per week to 41 weeks per year, 37 hours per week.

I have worked at the same place for 28 years and have given over and above, I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. A new boss came in September last year and I knew she didn't have a caring bone in her body.

I only work part-time as I have two dogs which I walk in the mornings. So much for the work-life balance. The doctor has signed me off for two weeks due to work related stress.