My dad's dying and my mother is causing everyone problems

[Boldredrosie]

My poor old dad is on his way out. He's currently in the local hospital's end of life unit on the Liverpool Care Pathway. He isn't the one with dementia but my mother is and she is causing the unit, my son who's 13 and me no end of problems. I just wondered if anybody had any advice? I phoned the local AS office but they couldn't suggest anything constructive.

Basically, since my Dad was transfered to the unit on Thursday my mother has refused to leave the unit. On the first night they said she was wandering around the unit, going into people's rooms, and on the Friday they asked me to come in and stay with her. I think if they knew she's was going to be such a problem they would never have allowed her to stay that first night.

She's not taking any of her medication, barely eating and is totally irrational. Every time they tell her he's dying it's like they're telling her anew and she becomes totally upset. She also read his notes in which her dementia's mentioned and absolutely blew her top on the Friday saying all she suffered from was a little memory loss.

It's got to a point where I sit in the lounge and pop into my Dad's room when she's in the loo just so as I don't wind her up and set her off. I know she's ill but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive her for making my Dad's passing a hundred times harder than it need be.

Has anybody else been through something similar and able to find some solution? Currently I'd like her pumped full of haloperidol but I realise that's just me being very, very mean.

 

[Onlyme]

Its not mean at all. You have two people and you are split with your concentration going to the one who need immediate attention.

Is there any family who can come and Mum sit while you sit with Dad?

 

[eastiesgir]

I don't think you're being mean, you simply want a difficult time a little more easy. I can't really offer any advice, as I've not been in the situation or know of anyone who has. My instinct would be to frog march MY mum out of the hospital and back home and keep her there. Have the hospital offered you any support? My thoughts are that you are not responsible for your mums actions and if she is causing problems I would argue it is up to them to sort it out with her.
As hard as it is you need to think of yourself and your Dad right now and not your mum. I know she is not acting as she would if she had no problems, but again that is not your responsibility and that is something you need to remind yourself of.

 

[Boldredrosie]

No we don't. That's been big problem all along -- there's only the four of us in this country and as they've aged many of their friends have predeceased them.

 

[Boldredrosie]

Frog march my mum? I wish. I don't know what I'd be more worried about -- snapping her in two cos of the osteoporosis or her walloping me. She's already told the hospital that they'll only get her to leave if she's on a stretcher. You know, even before the dementia Ma wasn't the most compliant of people. I have been wondering whether there's a duty psychiatrist the unit could call? Ticks me off this process is now becoming about her and not my dad.

 

[eastiesgir]

Frog march my mum? I wish. I don't know what I'd be more worried about -- snapping her in two cos of the osteoporosis or her walloping me. She's already told the hospital that they'll only get her to leave if she's on a stretcher. You know, even before the dementia Ma wasn't the most compliant of people. I have been wondering whether there's a duty psychiatrist the unit could call? Ticks me off this process is now becoming about her and not my dad.

hmmmm I can see what you mean, my mum would probably give me a lot of grief too. Any use to try a few white lies to get her out? I'm sorry, I'm just throwing some ideas around to see if anything is any use to you. I personally think the duty psychiatrist is a good idea. I really feel for you it is such a horrible time that is being made worse by other things, and I know that this is not your mums "fault" but she is making an awful situation a whole lot worse. Hopefully someone will be able to come up with something to help you out.
x

 

[Chemmy]

Oh dear, what a dilemma. Have they put a bed for her in your dad's room? If so, can't someone just remove the bed and any comfy chair where she might sleep? Maybe she'll be more compliant if you can tire her out.

 

[Onlyme]

I would ask the hospital if there is someone from the duty mental health team available and beg them to give her something to calm her down. Even if she sits semi out of it by his side the staff would prefer that to her on the rampage.

 

[meme]

how awfull for you...your thought of the duty psychiatrist is a good one...probably take a firm request/demand though but you have the staff on your side??? and they may/should do it for you?
Something to calm mum is a good idea..fear and grief will be pushing her into overdrive
Calmed mum?.. and take her home as the "hosp dont allow peope to stay past a couple of days???"
or calmed mum and can stay as she very much wants to but not causing so much trouble and overshadowing your dads time left.
What would Dad want re your mum???
I do hope you get some help from the hosp x

 

[Tooshie]

Psychosis v Alz

Frog march my mum? I wish. I don't know what I'd be more worried about -- snapping her in two cos of the osteoporosis or her walloping me. She's already told the hospital that they'll only get her to leave if she's on a stretcher. You know, even before the dementia Ma wasn't the most compliant of people. I have been wondering whether there's a duty psychiatrist the unit could call? Ticks me off this process is now becoming about her and not my dad.

Hi,

I have just read your posts and had a few tears. My Father died on 24.4.2005, after battling cancer 2.5 years. He was also diabetic and had severe heart disease. He was always in and out of hospital, mini strokes, heart attacks, scans, it went on and on, but I didn't mind - I adored him. My Father too ended up on a Pathway with a morphine driver in the final days. Heartbreaking. You have my compassion and thoughts.

My Mother, during this period was an absolute NIGHTMARE. So uncooperative and spiteful towards him, expected me to transport her to and fro, couldn't cope with any medical information, didn't actually want to visit him every day (just so me me me). I should explain that all her life she has ridiculous phobias about doctors, dentists, opticians, bank managers, hospitals, solicitors, school teachers, water, cats, dogs - on and on and on.

My Mother bullied my Daddy as he lay dying - because she couldn't control him when he was a young and fit man owing to her irrationality. I'll never forget or forgive her for the things she did and the rumpuses she caused during his last few months. And what did he say to me and my brother 2 weeks before he died? "You will both have to look after your Mother"!! Well I have kept my side of the bargain, but Golden Balls gave her the red card after only one unpleasant conversation and he hasn't showed his face for more than 4 years now. It turned out that my Mother found a lump in her breast a year before Dad died, but being consumed by her own terror, she resisted any form of help for him in the home and did everything possible to avoid hospital visits and meetings - but she didn't tell anyone about it.

Do you have good family support? I didn't and still don't. Still to this day my Mother has managed to avoid clinical diagnosis for her mental health and I often think I am loosing mine! At least your Mother has been accurately assessed and diagnosed, so perhaps you can get some support from her GP. And yes, keep talking to your Father's hospital support team and see if they can get you the help you so desperately need.

It is hard enough to have to watch one parent slip away without the added stress of another difficult parent to try to 'manage' at the same time. Keep telling nursing staff and doctors about her pre-existing condition, and keep asking for assistance. I don't have any other advice to give, and I suspect much will depend upon the staff and policies of the hospital and your Mother's GP.

You and I have experienced many similarities, and I think it is disgraceful that the NHS are not supporting YOU during this difficult period. I truly know how you feel.

Ellie x

 

[Tooshie]

Ps

Frog march my mum? I wish. I don't know what I'd be more worried about -- snapping her in two cos of the osteoporosis or her walloping me. She's already told the hospital that they'll only get her to leave if she's on a stretcher. You know, even before the dementia Ma wasn't the most compliant of people. I have been wondering whether there's a duty psychiatrist the unit could call? Ticks me off this process is now becoming about her and not my dad.

My Mother has 'walloped' me a few times recently too - all out of bad temper and frustration when I have been trying to help her

 

[Spiro]

Is your dad a patient at a general hospital? If so, then first thing tomorrow I suggest you ring the office of the doctor whose care your mother is under. Ask if there is a healthcare professional from the Community Mental Health Team based at the same hospital. Hopefully, they will be in a position to advise you and if necessary, assess your mother.

In addition, I would contact your mother's GP for advice ASAP. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

 

[Haylett]

Boldredrosie, there's a lot of good advice here, so I have nothing to add, except to urge you to ask and continue to ask/press for help, from the hospital, from the psychiatric department, from your Mum's GP - whatever it takes. I'm so sorry - this is a terrible situation to be in and I hope someone can help you, so that whatever time you have left with your father, can be spent in peace.

 

[SWMBO1950]

I personally have no advice - you seem to have plenty here but just to wish you all the best at a very difficult time xx

 

[zeeeb]

Can you get her to leave the unit for a break (lunch or an appointment to see a doctor who wants to talk to her about your dad or something)? Will she forget about him being in hospital if she was away from him for an afternoon or something?

Sounds like she needs to be forced into a respite situation to let him go in peace. And give you guys a chance to spend some quality time with him alone.

Sounds like the staff need to tell her that all beds are full tonight, and that she will have to go home tonight and come back tomorrow (or not come back tomorrow as the case may be).

I can't imagine the stress it's causing you.