Thank you Yorkshire lass, that's a very sensible idea that I hadn't thought of, as like yourself, I couldn't ever imagine Mum being anywhere but with us but the struggle is great and Mum is changing rapidly although physically well.
I've just read your reply to my husband and he is going to take mum to day care at a nearby residential care home next week with a view to maybe becoming a resident in the future.
One thing we were just discussing and I wonder if you would be able to advise on your own experience, was, at a few homes we've looked at for day care apart from the one near us, had easy access and therefore easy exit!
My mum would be out of the door asap if we left it unlocked for a second.
Thanks for listening, Jackie x
Hi Jackie, I'm going to try and sequence the process I went through and the things that went through my mind
- I decided on an acceptable area distance wise for visiting mum for myself and my brother
- searched on the CQC report website (it allowed you to search by area and CQC rating)
- read the detail of the reports primarily looking at "Caring", "Responsive" and "Effective" sections
- made a list of homes that had "Good" rating or better ones that I liked the detailed reports and ones that took residents with dementia (most!)
- formed a shortlist of six and phoned to make arrangements to visit. Some gave a time and others said just turn up
- did the rounds and was totally honest about mum's current behaviour. Some said they couldn't meet mum's needs. Some just didn't feel right, one was chaotic (might just have been a bad day!)
- At this stage non had availability (most with waiting lists of 12 - 20) but one that I liked offered a room that would be available soon. They offered to come and assess mum at home the following week
The list now becomes messed up as the agreed assessment was cancelled the morning it was due and I was distraught as I really was at my wits end dealing with mum all day and getting up around 8 times a night. Eventually I was told it would be 4 - 5 weeks before there would be a room. In the meantime we contacted a residential home that we knew from a previous resident. I had discounted this home as it was residential and not nursing and at the time I believed I would probably need nursing eventually and wouldn't want to move mum.
We visited this home and that's exactly what it was a home from home. A large house, extended at the back reminding me of a lovely old seaside hotel. We talked to a senior carer and again total honesty (mum has AD and is blind and continually asks where she is). We discussed everything from day to day care to end of life care and the fact mum could stay here permanently and they would deal with each stage.An appointment was made to visit mum at home. She behaved exactly as described. We talked about daily routines, medication, what mum likes and dislikes, favourite foods, music, TV, radio, aids she has for her blindness...endless and all written down. I was impressed but a waiting list for a room - yes!
Thankfully I think it was our honesty, the avenues I had already tried, the difficult situation I was in, the bags under my eyes and the sad fact that another resident had just died that mum was offered a room quickly.
Unfortunately that was only the beginning. Sorting things for mum's transfer, sewing name tapes in clothes, trying to get her settled. No exaggeration it was dreadful. Following this was sorting mum's house for sale and all that entails alongside seeing her everyday.
I have to say at mum's care home I marvel everyday at the patience, kindness, concern of the carers (many in their 20's). The standard of cleanliness, lovely food, well planned activities and entertainment are exemplary. The lovely warm welcome every time I press the door buzzer and the quick update "mum has slept well", "mum is in a really good mood today". If it's not been a good night that's saved for later! This home has one entry exit door and it is locked with access via a key pad so no escaping and I have to ask for staff to let me out in case someone decides they fancy following me. Residents can and do go out for walks with a carer or with relatives or friends it's not a prison but it is secure. I have signed a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards (DoLS) for mum so the home can make sure she is safe.
Hope I have covered things for you. Just say if there's anything else. It was all completely new to me and a journey I don't want to repeat anytime soon. Perhaps I should point out mum is self funding and that gives the freedom to choose what is best for her.